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My son found his birth family recently. He is 20 years old and still living at home. My son was removed by social services when he was three, and no family member came forward to visit, or to volunteer to raise him. He became a permanent ward and I adopted him. He has been my son and a member of my family ever since. Now that he is a wonderful, handsome, healthy, intelligent young man, this family suddenly wants him. My son sees that these people have difficulties - alcohol and drug problems, domestic violence, friends in prison for manslaughter, etc. We are respectable, well-educated, kind people. But my son is enamored with this "real" family. How do I cope? It's so scary. How have others dealt with these emotions? Thanks so much.
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They are part of him too, and in the same way that loving a wife or a friend doesnt mean he doesnt love his mom - loving his family of origin doesnt erase his love or relationship or need for you. I understand that it is scary and hard -- but either you have a good relationship with him or you dont :) I understand the fears (my sons were adopted at ages 3 and 4 too from a very disfunctional situation) but my sons have still needed to know about their first family, their other mother, their siblings, their history. Being adopted by me didnt erase that.
For ME -- what was shocking is that the more I embraced and understood that need without judgement, the closer it brought my sons and I together. Can you put your own emotions aside, and understand that maybe if you were in his shoes you too would want to know your history, and figure out your past? Maybe you would want to know where your love of history came from or your smile or your talents? That doesnt erase your history with your son - but it does establish your own reality as part of his future with his bio family involved.
Your relationship will be far more secure if you can accept and support your son ... and leave your insecurities or feelings for here with other aparents that understand and will support you :)
Thanks so much. I am very close to my son, and he comes to me with every conversation he has with his birth family - I think that's why it's so hard - I have to hear about it so much. But they are MY insecurities. I'd die if I lost him, but I know that I won't lose him. It's a silly insecurity. He's my only child. I need to breathe deeply and let him explore. Thanks to both of you for listening.