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I was adopted at the age of 3 by my paternal grandparents. I found out at the age of 11 that I was adopted - by my birth mother and I was sworn to never tell anyone I knew because bad things would happen.
Well, I told and my life really changed. I lived for years avoiding her and keeping promises that I'd keep her away from my brother, who had also been adopted. I was also told that my biological sister - who was NOT adopted - was trying to make trouble on my bmom's behalf. So naturally, I grew up distrusting her.
I grew up being ridiculed by most of the kids in my family because I was younger than they were, but because of the dynamics of being adopted by my grandparents - I was now their Aunt. I felt harrassed and out of place because I was "Different".
Now, my adoptive parents have both passed away and so have my adoptive siblings (3 brothers - one of which was my biological father) and a biological brother and a biological sister have also passed.
At my brothers funeral, my bio-sister gave me her contact information and in the past 4 years we've tried to create a "relationship" - it just doesn't feel right - I don't know how else to explain it.
But anyway, on Facebook- a message appeared one day from a woman who claimed to have a "friend" who had a "sister" who once had 5 children, the oldest, she believed, was me and if I would, could I please contact her with my information to give to my bio-mom so she could contact me - or I could contact her.
I was upset at first - I even cried. I had spent literally, 34 years hiding from her and a stupid social networking site let her find me. Then I got pissed and politely told the lady that "no offense intended but please tell her to F-Off".
I knew about the abuse at her hands and the abandonment - I knew her because I had once called her Aunt. I want to say she ruined my life but in all honesty - she at least gave me the chance at a better life - one not filled with drugs and beatings - but I certainly don't want her anywhere near me or my daughter. She gave up those rights and when I wrote those words - it was liberating.
But then my bio-sister asked if I was even curious to hear what she had to say. I told her no and I'm still not curious.
My only question to this group is - should I have given her a chance to explain herself, to tell her side? because honestly, I think they'd all be lies anyway.
Any input is appreciated.
Thank you.
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Welcome to the forums, Most of us here are not relative adoption nor abuse etc so I don't know how much value we can give you. There may come a point in your life that you will want to here "her" reasons - or that point may never come. That is the question you really need to answer - if you change your mind in 10, 20, 30 years will you be okay never knowing her answers or will you look back and wish you had handled things differently? I do think you need to be polite but do not think you need to establish a relationship if you do not wish to. And remember, there are always two sides to every story and usually the truth lies somewhere in the middle. It really is up to you. Kind regards,Dickons
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Hello radmom65-
My husband and I adopted our nephew about 4 years ago. The situation was neglect and parental drug abuse. We wanted to keep this sweet boy in the family.
He is doing great, BTW. :)
You have a difficult decision to make, and you have had a hard struggle in the past within your family. I am so sorry to hear about that.
I am writing to suggest that contact one time with your bmother may be a way to get closure for yourself. It does not obligate you to a long-term relationship. It's totally OK for you to think in terms of how you feel in this situation. You owe nothing to anyone.
I would request HER contact info instead of giving yours to some random stranger--how rude to ask you to do this!
I will be thinking of you--and hoping you find peace for yourself and your own daughters.
Our oldest son is a relative adoption situation (he was my second cousin), he also was placed due to abuse and mostly neglect 2nd to drug abuse. He is only 8 now so I don't know how much help I can be, however, I do have numerous grown foster brothers (as good as real brothers if you ask me) and some of my opinion is based on their experiences and wants/needs.
My son is curious about his bparents and siblings (also removed but placed in different homes) and while I do not allow them contact at this time (not safe, particularly mom) I hope that they do not OD or die 2nd to drug use before he is old enough to at least meet them once and get any answers he may need. I know he will have questions for them and I am not afraid of thier answers, I hope I will have raised a son that can look at our recollection of the past and thiers and find his own truth. In the end, I think the not-knowing is more likely to stess our relationship than any lies they may fabricate (and they have proven to be good at it). I think it will be important for him to confront the situation that landed him in care in the first place, he just isn't old enough or emotionall prepared enough at this time, but I am sure that time will come. My biggest fear is that it will come too late and his parents will have killed themselves with thier lifestyle before he is ready and that would be a huge loss to him and frankly he has suffered too many losses already.
As for my brothers, they were placed into care at older ages (the youngest at 6y) so they have a different perspective because they had known/remembered the injustices against them. Even so, many have found it helpful to revisit that bio history when they are older and feel less powerless in thier lives. One said it was nice to confront the abuser when he knew he could defend himself, he said it felt like finally being able to walk after being paralysed for an entire childhood. One of my brothers never got that closure (bmother died and father unknown) and he really seems to regret that, he actually seems to hate his history more than some of the other boys, even though his story is less severe, also he doesn't accept all of the info in the foster records (possibility of sibs, actually reasons for removal/relinquishment) because he hasn't been able to confirm it.
I will say that 2 of my brothers have not sought out any connection with bios and don't seem to be bothered by that. I sometimes wonder if they ever will have an interest or if they just place very little value in that aspect of thier history.
I can't tell you what would be best for you, but I know that once some oppruntunities are lost there is no going back.
I'd also suggest a one time contact. You could even create an email account just for her and then never look at again if that makes you feel better. The idea that one day she could be gone and take any answers with her is what compels me to suggest it. Of course, whatever you decide is right! If you feel comfortable with your decision, then that's all that matters. Not everyone will have a burning need for some answers. Good luck
Everybody's situation is different- it's not even a matter of saying people have "good" or "bad" adoption experiences because there are so many complicated elements involved. But at the very least, i think that you should stay true to your feelings, and try not to be swayed into doing something you don't feel comfortable with. Some of these issues even arise in biological families, but in situations of adoption, the adoption itself tends to be blamed.I feel a similar disconnection to my biological family, although in my case it's more of an apathy than anything else. It would be very awkward indeed if one of my bio-reletives tried to contact me
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