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Hi First mothers
I have been reading a lot of your stories and find them very interesting. I have also seen how complicated your relationships with your reunited child can be.
However, I am also interested in how your family (children, husband, parents, brother and sisters) get on with your reunited child, so I thought I would ask some questions:
Has your child met all the above relatives
If so, do you find the type of relationship you have with your child affects the relationship they have with your other family
Also in regards individual family members:
With your other children: Did they get on straight away or were they jealous of their "new" sibling
With your husband: Was he uncomfortable about meeting your child or does he treat them like a stepchild or even his own child
With your parents: I know in a lot of cases, your parents made you relinquish your child. Has this affected their relationship with your child. In cases where your child may have a better relationship with your parents than you, do you feel resentful about that.
With brothers and sisters: Are they interested in their niece/nephew. Do you find your sisters more interested than your brothers. Does the extent of closeness to your sisters/brothers make a difference of how interested they are in your child
Sorry, I am asking a lot of questions. I don't expect anyone to answer all the questions or even know all the answers I am just interested in the extended family situation. I do have some questions in regards to my own situation but will post it separately because in this particular post, I am only interested in your own situations, because I feel I have got to "know" quite a few of you and find your stories interesting.
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I did just want a bit of insight into my own situation separate from above.
I have been "reunited" with my uncles/cousins for about 5 months now. Though noone knew of my existence (my bmother gave birth while on a working holiday), they have been very welcoming and they seem to have taken it all in their stride, perhaps a bit too much so LOL. It is hard to know how they really feel. They really do make me feel like I am another niece/cousin and I appreciate that.
Since most of my cousins were born after my bmother died (she died 30 years ago a few months before her 40th birthday), I can understand totally that it is no big deal for them.
However with my uncles (and aunts in law and even bmother's cousins), I do wonder a bit how they really feel about their new niece.
First of all, I do think they seem to like me as a person so this post is not really about getting along with them.
I think it is the family relationship thing that has bugged me most about me being a secret. My uncles were very close to their sister yet she never told anybody about me or even gave any indication I existed. I will stress that I have always understood why she was never able to tell anyone and answers to previous threads I have posted here have just confirmed this. However, knowing what the general population's views on adoption are and, when you think about it, my brelatives are like the general population in that adoption never affected them until I came along, then I feel that I am having to educate them about my adoption; and I just feel in my own situation, that it is all supposition rather than fact; I feel deep down that they may in fact feel a bit sorry for me because they probably think (based on what the world at large feels about adoption) that my bmother didn't mention me because she had forgotten about me/put my adoption behind her. Again, I want to stress, this is NOT what I think about how she felt (I am sure that she would have thought about me and this post is not really about what my bmother's feelings were towards me but the perception of what my brelatives feel about what she felt). I do NOT want them to feel sorry for me yet I feel like an idiot when I try to say how I think she must have felt because they probably think I am being arrogant trying to explain their own sister to them.
I suppose the main insight I am seeking is do your own brothers and sisters have a lack of interest in your relinquished child or feel sorry for this child because of the fact that you didn't keep them? Sorry about the rambling post, hope it wasn't too convoluted or confusing LOL
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My brother has shown no interest in my son. As a matter of fact, he seemed kind of p'o'd when I flew my son up to meet my parents that everyone was so welcoming, his feeling was 'this guy is a STRANGER, why are you treating him like family?'
My parents are very positive but they don't seem to instigate anything. The relationship between me and my parents is super tricky as it seems like whatver they do upsets me.
My girls are quite young, and they try to establish a relationship with their big brother, but there is 18 years between him and my oldest daughter that I'm raising!
Very complicated the whole shebang!
Thanks for your reply quantum.
Do you think your parents feel guilty because of them encouraging you to relinquish your child (I went and read an early post of yours) and so don't want to instigate visits because they feel they would be stepping on your toes?
I'm sorry that your brother showed no interest. Are you close to your brother? Did he know about your relinquishment at the time?
I'll be fair to my uncles and say that there is certainly a lot of interest in me (well at least the fact I exist LOL). However, when my younger uncle and I went to visit the eldest uncle, he ignored me the whole time (luckily there were also some 2nd cousins visiting to "check me out", otherwise it would have been very uncomfortable). When younger uncle asked him if he had any photos of my bmother, he said quite abruptly no, none at all (which I find hard to believe). My younger uncle says that his big bro is just very shy and was very upset that his sister never told him about me as they were very close. That's why I wondered if you were close, because if you were close but he showed no interest and also didn't know about relinquishment, that he may be upset and therefore just be saying that he is not interested.
I have sometimes wondered myself how I would feel if a child of my (also adopted) brothers or sister turned up out of the blue. Would I be less interested because they are not blood relatives? I don't know. To be honest, if my older brother ever said one day "I have a secret wife and 10 children", we wouldn't be surprised, he is very secretive lol.