Why hasn't my birth daughter searched for me?

Hi - She may have searched for you at some point, and you just don't know it. Or, she may not be ready to search, or she may not want to search at all. If she has tried to search, maybe she doesn't yet know about registering with reunion registries. I know that in NYS, for example, the state registry is a mutual consent registry, and if that's the case in your state, it's good that you have registered. I send a letter every year or so asking that they keep my case "open," meaning that they flag it and will be more likely to contact me should someone register looking for me. Maybe you should do that, too, so that the state knows that you're still active in your search and would be open to reuniting. I also send updated information to the agency that placed me, so that it will be in my file should someone contact them looking for me. That is unfortunately about all I can do. You have to prepare yourself, too, for the reality that she may not want to search for you at this time, or at all. That may sound terrible to you and it's not meant to discourage you, but it is something that I think all women who relinquish should prepare themselves for - just like how, as an adoptee, I have resigned myself to the fact that my biological mother has no desire to meet me and has made it virtually impossible to find out any pertinent information. It stinks, but it is what it is. Rejection is, sadly, a part of adoption sometimes. So, I think that you have to think positively and assume that she is living a great life but that she may not be ready emotionally to search for biological relatives - and that this may not be a priority for her in her life. You've done what you can - posted on the Internet that you're searching for her, notified the state and agency. Now you have to wait. I've been through it too, just on the other side as an adoptee. There is not much you can do other than make your information accessible. I personally think that a woman who relinquished a baby for adoption should make their information accessible if they wish to be found, and then allow the adoptee to come and find them if that's what they want. I think that is the respectful way to go about it, you know? The what-ifs are awful, but you can't presume that she died or that her parents didn't tell her that she was adopted. Often, an adoptee just does not want to search, or they don't feel ready to do so until they are past their twenties [your teen years and twenties are crazy enough, and for an adoptee it's even more insane - trying to find your identity, moving out on your own, etc.]. Adoption - at least when you get to the point where an adoptee is of legal age to search and get non-ID info etc. - is kind of a "waiting game" in my opinion. I did what I could, put myself out there, exhausted my free search resources, and now I wait and see what happens. I hope that you find some kind of peace, though. Maybe counseling? It has to be tough to carry around the worry and fear you seem to have. You deserve to be happy, too, just like you want your biological daughter to be.

I didn't seriously look for my first mom until I was 26 I just wasn't ready until then. I would suggest some counseling or a first parents support group. From the flip side it is really hard to wait and not know. Adoption is a tough thing and mostly a waiting game after a certain point. Hang in there.