Need advice

I've been in reunion for over 20 years now, and the one thing that I can't emphasize enough is that secrets are never healthy, not where adoption is concerned. Please go with your gut instincts on this one. Your children have the right to know each other and to develop their own relationships...if that is what they want. Over the past few years, I've read many stories from adoptees whose birth mothers didn't tell their raised children about, even after reunion. There is a LOT of pain in those stories -- how could there not be? Do you know why your husband is so adamant about your raised children not knowing about their brother?

I believe he is afraid of their world as they know it being destroyed. Everything about how they were raised will be questioned along with their relationship with me. He feels nothing good will come of it. If he had it his way I would never have agreed to a reunion. He just is very concerned about his family and wants to protect us all.

At 19 and 16 they may have some questions but should be old enough to handle the answers. I am sure your first son would feel like you are hiding him again..

I would not want to, nor could I, keep my son hidden. I'm not saying you have to tell other family members rightthisminute, but I would not make it a permanent stance to never tell your other kids about your son. As you progress in your reunion, your son will most likely not appreciate being treated like a secret, and you will most likely not appreciate tiptoeing around and lying to other people in order to maintain a relationship with him. Have you thought about getting counseling with your husband to help navigate this issue?

I agree; secrets aren't good in general! I imagine that, if you "hide" your bio son from the rest of your family, that at some point they [your daughters] will find out somehow. That could lead to distrust, resentment, etc. You should tell them, and all you need to say, in my opinion, is that you made a choice that was right for you at the time, and it's amazing that you're able to communicate with your bio son at this point. Tell your daughter's that you love them and did not want to keep a secret from them but that you and your husband felt it was the right thing to do, but now you want to be honest with them because you feel that they are mature enough to handle it and you want them to be a part of your communication with your bio son. Obviously they do not have to communicate with him at this point if it makes them uncomfortable, you know? Give them that option. I hope it goes well.

There is a good chance that if you don't tell them, someday they will find out on their own. What then? I first contacted my Bmom over 20 years ago. Her exhusband, the father of her two raised children, did not want her to reunite with me. Though my Bmom didn't totally listen when he advised her to not reunite, and agreed to correspond through an intermediary, she did choose to keep me a secret from her children. She and I wrote letters for approximately two years, as there was not email back then. It was her oldest, my sister, who found one of the letters one day when she picked up the mail out of the mail box. While my Bmom was at work, my sister read the letter. AS my Bmom pulled up to her home, my sister was standing their waiting, tears streaming from her face, and screaming at her mother, "Why didn't you tell me!" She was 13/14. Needless to say, my Bmom had some explaining to do that I'm sure she did not enjoy and wasn't pleasant. The world didn't end when her raised children found out she was not as perfect as she had wanted them to believe. My siblings, especially my sister, were extremely angry with her for keeping me a secret. My sister and I are now quite close. I'm glad my sister found that letter, but oh, how I wish my Bmom would have just told her from the start. You know your children better than anyone. Yes, it might change life as they know it now, but is that better than them finding out you didn't tell them at a later point, which will also change life as they know it? I understand your husband wanting to protect his family, but is this really protecting them, and from what exactly? I am not telling you what you should do, just giving you some food for thought. I know it is a difficult decision. Wishing you the best.

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. You pretty much have told me things I was already thinking about or have considered. It just really helps to hear it from others for confirmation. I feel the next step may need to be counseling. Thankfully my BS is being so laid back and considerate and letting us work through things at this time. If anyone can share about what to expect when they shared with their teenagers about a new family member, I would be most appreciative. Thanks for letting me have someone to talk to.