What do I do?

I think so. Regardless of what you personally think of him, he is as much a part of the child's history as you are. Suppose he refused to cooperate with you in the same way because he didn't like you. That wouldn't seem right, would it? Most importantly, if you deny him, what you are really doing is denying her, deciding for her that she will not meet him, taking that part of herself away from her, and personally I don't think you have a moral right to do that.

I agree with Hadley. My non-ID states that my biological father was unaware of my biological mother's pregnancy [she chose not to tell him] and if he were ever to find out, and want to contact me, but she denied him - it'd be a shame, and if I ever discovered that she had prevented him from getting info about me, I'd be very angry and resentful. He is just as much a part of her life as you are - despite the type of person he is or was, that's a fact. :eyebrows: Are you in contact with your biological daughter? I don't know if he could "force" you to provide information through the legal system...he potentially could if he had been named on the original BC, I suppose, or if paternity had been documented somewhere, but I don't think you want it to come to that. Good luck!

In my head, I understand your arguments. It seems only fair. But the hairs on the back of my neck go up when he finds/stalks me, I just don't trust him. The fact is he beat the poop out of me when I refused to have an abortion and kicked me in the gut when I was down and continued to beat me until I left him. He refused to sign any forms relinquishing parental rights so the baby was stuck in foster care for months while the courts did their thing. I have no contact with my daughter now but what will I tell her when she asks about her father? BTW, I don't hate him I just don't trust him.

Aniani, You did not create the child by yourself and whatever transpired between the two of you is irrelevant to the facts that he is the biological father like you are the biological mother. Do you really think that if he wants to find his daughter he is doing so to beat her or harm her? Seriously after twenty years you think he is doing this to harm her??? She is now an adult and although you made a decision on her behalf when she was an infant you no longer have the right to make another decision on her behalf. This is all hypothetical anyway because you do not know that she even wants contact - some adoptees do - some don't - so it may be a moot point anyway. As I am sure you have changed in the last twenty years I am sure he has changed also - people grow up. If you are concerned about your safety then request a restraining order on him for yourself, but you have no right to make a decision for the daughter you chose to not raise. Have you even considered that his family medical history can be invaluable to your daughter? Because it can make the difference in getting an early diagnosis that can prevent further distress or death. That one small facet of contact should negate any of your issues - if it really is about your daughter and not yourself. What you tell her about her father if she asks is to ask her father... Dickons (adoptee for your reference)

I am not sure about sending a possibly dangerous man towards my child either. Can you see if he has been arrested for domestic abuse in the past? If he stalking you and seems threatening, I can't say I would purposely set my innocent daughter up for this with no warning. My Dad was a dangerous man, but my Mom warned me first.

I may be the lone voice of dissent here, but I don't feel you are obligated to help your abusive ex fill out paperwork to facilitate this reunion. Why can he not find someone else (like the agency your daughter was placed through, or an attorney or other third party) to help him with this? I fail to understand why you need to be involved with someone who abused you (and I don't care if it was 100 years ago) when he can just as easily go through an intermediary? Although it is possible that he has changed over the last 20 years, it's also possible that he hasn't. Furthermore, even if abuse wasn't involved, maybe you just don't want to be in contact with him. My ex didn't abuse me, but I do not wish to be in touch with him at all. I would refer him to my agency if he got in contact with me about wanting to reconnect with my son, or let my son know he was inquiring and leave it to him to decide if he wanted to make contact independently of me.

I would prefer to give my daughter the story and his e mail and let her decide what she would like to do. My concern is that if I give him the info, he will relentlessly hunt her down despite what her wishes might be. I have made it clear I do not want him in my life yet he has found me 2000 miles away, knows my new profession, my new name and contacted my place of work. He says he "keeps tabs on me". He has called my unlisted home phone, emailed me, sent things in the mail. It is unsettling and unwelcome. But, honestly, I am a little afraid to anger him. Yes, people grow up but I have no evidence that he has fundamentally changed.

I understand better now. I thought at first when you said "help him" that you meant there was some information you had that he needed for a form--such as place of birth or whatever. If that can be provided by others, that's fine, of course. Your idea of giving her his info if that's what he wants to do is of course fine, too. I have no problem with you telling her what transpired, that and your perspective on it is part of her history, too. Given the behavior you describe and which I think you should share with her, I think it does make sense for her to go forward cautiously. If you know where he lives or has been living, you may be able to check court records even if you can't actually get a criminal background check without his permission. In VA, for example, it is possible to check current and past court dockets for district court, which shows the charge and disposition.

I was thinking along the same lines as Peachy. Why does he need your help to fill out paperwork? I also don't think you have the right to stop him from filing paperwork so she can find him through the agency or whatever. FYI: many courts, especially those of large metro areas, provid access to public records, including criminal records. Most of the time you can find a link to see those records by looking up the county court clerk.

It creeps me out that he is keeping tabs on you and has essentially been stalking you. I'd seriously look into a restraining order. At the minimum, I would not communicate with him. He is a grown man, and unless he is illiterate, he can figure out how to fill out forms. I think he may be using your daughter as an excuse to get to you. I dunno. I just don't like this and don't blame you one bit for being concerned.

I am not sure why he keeps emailing me the forms. I never kept anything from him when the baby was born I wrote and called and gave him more details than I am sure he wanted. He met my social worker, he was contacted to relinquish his parental rights. The only thing I can think of is that he 'forgot'. Which blows my mind, of course, because every detail of that time is ingrained in my memory.

I don't think I can get a restraining order as there has been no threats and no physical contact in over 20 years.