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Hi Everyone
I hope you dont mind me posting, as I am not the adoptee. I am hoping that you will be able to offer some advice, guidance and an insight into my current situation.
Please excuse my lack of savvy when it comes to technical terms and knowledge, I am a bit of a novice (for want of a better word) when it comes to the adoption process and it's effects.
My husband was adopted roughly 25 yrs ago, after living in care for 2 years (from the age of 3), he was removed from his biological parents after suffering physical abuse at their hands, from which he still has the scars.
He was adopted into an extremely loving family who gave him an amazing upbringing. He and I now have 4 children, and have been together 8 years.
Until recently we were an extremely strong couple and family, many things have tested us in the past (including 2 tours of Iraq - whilst in the army, and major subsidence in the first house we owned which was followed by a 3 year battle with the insurance company) but we have remained strong.
It started to unravel several months ago when tragedy hit my family my aunty (to whom I was close) was diagnosed with aggressive terminal cancer, shortly after, he told me he thought he had found his biological father on facebook, I knew he was searching, but we had tried in the past without success.
He 'sat on it' for a number of weeks (in the mean time my aunty sadly passed away 3 weeks ago), he then told me he had messaged the birth father and it moved quickly from there. They started talking on the phone, all was polite and fairly restrained, on my husbands part, (his biological father has from the start been pushing to meet)
To add a little more information his birth family seem to be troubled, the parents split up about 4 yrs ago after the mother ran off with the biological fathers brother. He has found he has 4 siblings, one of whom is a heavy drug user. The father no longer sees the siblings as the mother has apparently 'turned them against him'.
My husband stared to gradually withdraw into himself - he's not a great communicator at the best of times! On Saturday things came to a head between us, the atmosphere had been awful all day, we were talking about friends who have recently split he was telling me the advice he had given them (it's better for their child to have to happy parents apart than miserable parents together). I'm ashamed to say I made a very flippant remark I deeply regret 'have you ever listened to your own advice'. When we talked about the 'issues' there was nothing of any significance causing problems between us, certainly not something to end an 8 year relationship.
I love my husband dearly with everything I have, we had a chat and although we are trying to make it work he has now totally cut himself off from me, showing me no love and affection at all. He keeps saying things like 'if you ever find someone hat makes you happier than I do, I would want you to go'
I'm sorry for waffling, what I'm trying to find out is firstly how best to support him through what must be an emotionally overwhelming time and also whether or not his recent rejection of me is 'typical' or if I'm just using it as an excuse to hide what is a different problem altogether.
I have spoken to both barnardos and the after adoption action line, who were both totally amazing and incredibly supportive. It would be great to have a personal insight into others experiences and the long road that lies ahead of us.
If you have read this far - thank you :)
Ali
xxx
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Ali, hugs!!! I am also married to an adoptee (who was placed at birth) who has a wonderful adoptive family. The last couple of years, he has been dealing with a "reunion" that hasn't really panned out well. To be honest, I think it's kind of a bummer to him, but he is sort of a stoic, "it is what it is" kind of person. One thing that seems new to me though is that I feel like he wants to "make sure" that I am always going to be there for him....almost a new sense of insecurity...which is really weird for him. (It sounds like your DH is really "testing" you by saying find someone else, etc....I don't know if it's an adoptee thing, reunion thing, or not!). Anyway, I think it may help if you really communicate that you want to be there for him no matter what, and that while you can't understand all the emotions this reunion has brought to the surface, you know that it's difficult. I don't know if he'd be open to counseling, but maybe you could suggest talking to a marriage counselor together if things don't improve. Just my 2 cents....I hope it helps! Hang in there!
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Being that your husband comes from the abusive background, it can be a big mess to reunite with such a troubled family who physically hurt him as a child. As a war vet, has he considered PTSD? Being abused can also create PTSD and having all this come at him at once could send him into a tailspin. Is he also depressed?
The adoptees that I personally know seem to find they have to re-examine their adoption, the reasons why, the what ifs etc once they have some life experiences under their belt. Triggers like death and reunion etc also create the need for introspection. Pulling away/offering you the chance to leave is at best a self protective measure that may be happening. I would suggest he find a therapist well versed in adoption and reunion and trauma...and/or come here to have some adoptees to talk too. Ripples has an amazing list of books and articles that may be helpful. If she does not chime in later today then I would send her a private message... Kind regards,Dickons
Firstly thank you all so much for your replies (and thank you for reading my long rambling message).
Unfortunately and he'd be the first to admit, communication is not something he is great at (Saturday occured after he had 2 bottles of wine - not a regular occurance though).
After he left Iraq the first time he was finding it hard to cope and went off for 6 weeks to work things through and came back in his own time. Which was fine as we didn't have children (and he was on leave). Now with commitments the space he needs is no so easy to come by. I have learnt not to ask questions, instead be patient and wait for him to come to me and support him where needed.
I am in awe of his strength and courage, lesser things would break people. I am for now taking each day as it comes, I love him for the man I met and not the past that occured before me. I am still trying to offer the love that deep down I think he needs with out trying to smother him, it's such a fine line I'm not sure if I'm being a help or a hinderance - but I am getting very good at walking on egg shells ;)
The reunion feels scary for me (so heaven only knows how he must be feeling), it has happened very quickly, is all very unstructered and feels a little like a loose cannon!
Thank you everyone for listening to me, you have provided me with comfort and hope for the future!
xxx
Ali.s
I'm sorry for waffling, what I'm trying to find out is firstly how best to support him through what must be an emotionally overwhelming time and also whether or not his recent rejection of me is 'typical' or if I'm just using it as an excuse to hide what is a different problem altogether.
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Ali...I dont know your husband but I will try to share some re-union insight. Adoptees may not share all my feelings, but they will relate to many.I am male adoptee brought up in an extremely abusive a-family. There was every form of abuse which lasted 18 years.When there is abuse, sometimes you erect walls and promise yourself no one will ever hurt you again. You try to hide in your head. On Birthdays you wish you could be invisible. At times, you find ways to escape and do time out for yourself.Sometimes you strongly believe you can put the grief, loss and fear behind and move on. In reality, it is lurking in the background---much like a shadow that never speaks. You are never completely free to believe you are a whole person. Sometimes there are feelings of being trapped. You have difficulty relating to casual or even close friends.Adoption and abuse make you somewhat of an "alien." People don't understand.In your head you are not "better than," or "unique" only "different from" your friends and peers. Many have never been through a deep emotional experience and they can't understand the dark side in your head. If they know your story, sometimes they ask, "why can't you move on?"For him to try to find his birth parents is a search the majority of adoptees follow. Now that a reunion is possible, it brings on a set of very different options.There is a flooding of emotions. Years of grief, loss and fear, surface. There is almost no end to questions relating to fear and doubt coupled with the uncertainty of what he will find. Often he will feel fragmented. He will try to cover all bases and not let anyone know how badly hurt he has been for so long. An overwhelming question is what if it doesn't work out?Through it all there is a hope that reaches your soul. You want to believe this is the last search. It will fix all the broken parts and at last you will be whole.Hopefully, this will bring about the peace he has waited for so long.A therapist will be able to give him the support and help he will need.I wish you the best.
Hi all
Firstly thank you for your responses again, taking on board all advice and everything that I read (Drywall, your post moved me to tears) I sent my dh a text message (he works nights) mainly because he is the sort of person that doesnt deal with his own emotions or feelings well and needs time to process things rather than being put on the spot and give an immediate response.
I apologised for not being there for him and being consumed by my own grief and telling him how much I love him and will support him.
Today we have had a fantastic day, I'm well aware that, that can change at any moment. There was no sniping and a lot more affection, I'm taking it slowly with him, giving him space and time. I will let him come to me.
I know this is something I will never truely understand and can only watch from the outside. But I will continue to love him and hopefully help to feel a little more secure in that love.
Fingers crossed that the road ahead runs a little more smoothly :)
xxx