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We are currently fostering a soon to bee 11 yr old girl, and are in the process of adopting her.
She has been in our home for a month. At first she was very receptive to affection and seemed to drink it in (we have an open and affectionate home and express love physically and verbally), despite the fact that our ways were foreign to her.
Two weeks ago she broke her arm while we were on holidays and this seems to have ended the "honeymoon" period. She is still very obedient, and responsible, but pulls away from us and particularily avoids my husband. Is this her way of seeing if we'll still love her no matter what? is there more involved here? What do we do? Do we keep it up or respect her need for space? So far we've explained that this is how we show love and since we love her she will continue to be told and shown that we love her.
Any advice would be appreciated (or books or courses to take....any resources).
Thanks!
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Advice from another parent: We adopted two children from Russia at 5 & 6 now 9 & 10 and we still have to prove that we love them day after day. Every night I tell my son, you don't have to hug me back, but every night I will kiss you and hug you and tell you that I love you, no matter what the day brings.
The best thing I ever read was about "PROOFS". These kids need proof after proof before they believe they are worthy of love and attention from caring adults. I am no professional just a stuggling mom. But I can see it. Every time I am at the door waiting for him to come off the bus, and telling him how glad I am to see him. That's a proof. Every thing we do together as a family, bowling, going out for lunch, watching a movie together, another proof. These all add up to PROOF that this is a forever family. I read alot from Dr. Keck on attachment and I love Susan's site, Hannahand her mama. Check out the links, you'll find it. Read everything you can. Good luck! Hope this helps.
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When adopting an older child you have to prepare yourself for the STRONG STRONG probability that the child will have attachment issues and may likely have Reactive Attachment Disorder. In addition, depending on the nature and extent of previoius abuse and neglect, and number of moves, the child may also have post-traumatic-stress-disorder.
Such children often work really hard to be "good" at first...but the honeymoon wears out soon. You need to do two things.
First, you will need to parent her VERY differently that you parented your other children or than you were parented. Attachment-based parenting is described in Daniel Hughes book, Facillitating Developmental Attachment. I can also recommned, Attaching in Adoption by Deb Gray.
Second, your child and family will need attachment-based treatment. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, or attachment therapy, is pretty much the only effective treatment for children with trauma-attachment issues. A good place to find a therapist near you is the website of the Assoc for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children. [url]www.attach.org[/url] Any professional who does this work and is trained will be listed on their site.
You can find a number of helpful articles on my website:
[url]www.Center4FamilyDevelop.com[/url]
Best regards
Dr. Art is quite correct. You are seeing what we saw a year ago when our daughter was first placed with us. RAD is obvious once you know what to look for. Our daughter is now 11 - we got her in our home just as she turned 10. She "seemed" to attach to my wife, and just avoided me - I thought due to the abuse she has seen her BM go through. Now, over a year later, she has a much closer relationship with me than with any other family member - mainly due to me working so hard to bring her closer. She is closer to my wife now, but will continue to feign closeness with any other female figure. Once around for a while, she pushes them away.
I'm trying to help her with her self-esteem now - she has a swiss-cheese education, and is in the LD resource room part of the day. It's hard for her to leave the regular classroom and be 'different'.
Hang in there - do things that are special on a daily basis. My favorite time of the day is tucking my daughter into bed and talking with her for a while, then smothering her with kisses.
I am glad to hear (soccer_dad) that things are going well for your child. What you describe is so important...that you must be prepared to hang in there for a long time. It can be difficult for a parent to love a child that the parent realizes may not love them back. The other point you make, which is really vital to healing a child, is that lots of nurturing within clear structure is required.
Good luck and best wishes