maybe I found the right people..

You didn't ask this, I'm sorry, and I'm sure you just didn't think of it in these terms, but...I don't think that's an appropriate request to make of her--and the children, too, since it takes her time and attention away from them--at her goodbye visit. Can't you send the request for information through the caseworker beforehand? Or, better if possible, plan to follow up with her and/or other family later if there is going to be some openness? As for what to ask--what did you love to do as a child? Who was your favorite movie star, singer, cartoon, tv show, book, school subjects, sports, etc? Who was your favorite relative? why? Who do I look like? What talents or interests run in the family? What is my ethnicity? Just think of what you know and would want to know about the people to whom you're connected genetically, the things that give your own identity and personality context and personal meaning. I think your heart is in the right place. Thinking ahead to what your children will want and need to know seems wise, of course. But I would let the goodbye visit be the goodbye visit, especially if she is only getting the one chance. That belongs to her and to the children. If she is inclined to provide the information before or after, she will. If she isn't, then there is no point in disrupting the goodbye visit trying to get it out of her. Peace and good luck with your new family, H.

I tend to agree with Hadley about the good-bye visit not being the most appropriate time to request her to fill out a book. And what type of book would it be?? I think the "idea" is a great one. Is there any reason why you couldn't maintain some sort of contact, even through the SW? I would also ask about the pregnancies...what she craved...about their births...allow her to add what she wants. I always wished I knew my birth story growing up. Being adopted I felt like I wasn't "really" born.....just sort of appeared, even though I KNEW i was born like everyone else in the world.

I agree the idea is a nice one but hopefully you have some way to let her fill it out on her own time. Maybe you could bring her a book of pictures of the boys to keep so she has something to remember them by. And then give her your book and ask if she'll fill it out and return it to the social worker. I would expect a goodbye visit to be super emotional and stressful for her so just doing the visit may be overwhelming.

As far as what to ask, maybe why she choose the names she gave them.Who they look like in her family - any special family traits she sees in them.What your oldest was like as a baby.special comments from family about them, especially when they were younger.

When I say book I dont mean a chapter book, I have started a scrapbook for them I wanted a few 2-5 pages from her with 1 or 2 questions each. Thanks for the suggestions. I am not sure the boys would get the "book" back, if I did send it home. She has made no contact since April until Monday, homeless, and no support from anyone. I dont want to miss the oppurtunity to get the info for the boys. The visit is going to be 2 hours long and during her one visit in April she had an hour visit and didnt stay they whole time. She wants to talk to me, so I just assumed while we are talking or shes watching them play she could jot a few things down. I got the idea from another foster parent on this website, are you all foster parents, or actuall adoptees? Sometimes I think we all have good intentions but dont always see it from an adoptees point of view. Thanks for helping me understand.

Actually I am an actual adoptee. :rolleyes:

Ditto about the possibility of letting the birthmother (and b-father) write up stuff and give it to the social worker either before or after the visit. I imagine that for the birthmother to recall all the stuff about herself - whatever the info is - would be quite heartwrenching for her. In other words, if it were me writing the stuff, I'd feel incredibly sad in knowing that this book, these few words, may be the only connection my babies will have with me, that I can't tell them in person while they're growing up. So I suggest that you do take care in how you ask her - perhaps let her have her own space to write the stuff. What I'd want to know other than my medical history are:- who is the birthfather and what sort of relationship they have/had- her thoughts/feelings about relinquishing me- what it was like during the pregnancy and birth- where she grew up- her personality as she sees it- whatever she wants to share with me about her life and growing up I recognise that the first 3 questions would most likely be VERY tough for her to answer so if she didn't want to answer any questions, I'd understand. My heart goes out to the birthmother - I can only imagine how tragic her situation is. Homeless, no support, abandoned. In the meantime, all the best to you and your children - I do sense that you're doing all you to take care of your kids.

Thank you Ripples for your kind encouraging words! I do hope we keep in contact throughout the years, but I cannot promise that and quite frankly I would be very surprised if she did keep in contact or available to be contacted. I want something that explains what she feels about the boys. Does that make sense? Stuff about her and the boys..things only a mom would know.

It might be interesting to find a book/site of getting to know youӔ type questions. Things that come to my mind are: are you left or right handed? Favorite foods, colors, sports. Name of first pet. Are there any famous/smart/inspirational people in their family? If your children have any physical characteristics that dont appear to be from bio parents maybe ask who in family does. I think mostly silly/light questions would be good. Someday if your child were good at say baseball or something, it might be nice to be able to say to them, you must have got that from your biological dad. Good luck and I think having a book is fabulous. You are mom but for some adoptive kids there is a feeling of needing to know more and that will be a great way to help with that curiosity. I also commend you for taking on 2 little boys at once! I get what the others are saying about not wanting to affect the goodbye visit, but I also get the love of a mom and wanting to do something for your children that you realize this may be your only chance to do. If there were a way to give it to her in advance that would be great, another idea might be to get a tape recorder or camcorder and just ask her if you could ask her some questions for the boys, you could then write it in the book and you would also have an audio/visual version, might be less pressure than asking her to write something out. Take care.

Don't forget pictures. I'm sure they will want to see pictures of her as they grow, especially if contact with her is as unlikely as you say.