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My daughter was adopted as a newborn and is now 20. My wife and I had met the birthmother before the adoption. My daughter's mother (my wife) died at 58 in July after a long illness. In Feb 2009, at my daughter's request, I located her birthmother and they had occasional telephone contact, but never met, although my daughter wanted to meet her someday. A few months ago, the birthmother told my daughter that she had cancer and was being treated, although she did not give any details. A couple of days ago, the birthmother's husband called my daughter and said that the birthmother was dying and wanted my daughter to come immediately to see her before she died. My daughter believes she should go, but is upset about it. I have agreed to drive her to meet her. How can I best support my daughter as she faces the death of both her mother and her birthmother within a few months? Is it the right thing to do for my daughter?
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Hugs!! I am so sorry for your and your dd's loss.
My sil met her bmom when she had bee diagnosed with brain cancer. They had a wonderful reunion, and it gave my sil such peace to be with her at the end. But of course it is so difficult and sad! You sound like an amazing dad and I know your love and support will mean the world to her. It may also be helpful for your dd to talk to a counselor to process all the loss.
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Circuitrider, As an adoptee who found her mothers grave...YES. I do realize 20 is very young but not ever getting to meet my mother because I waited too long...not good. Just be supportive and there to pick up pieces just like after her mom died. Research and find a grief counselor who is also familiar with adoption and have that resource available if your daughter needs it and you will know if she does. And as much as this sounds harsh - get her mother to provide a health history for her before it is too late. Kind regards,Dickons
I agree with Dickons' advice. I think your daughter would regret not going to see her which although it may hurt, it may give her some closure and perhaps give her the chance to learn things about her bmom that she never knew.
Good luck with everything and definitely call some local grief support services to ask how they would deal with the situation.
My prayers go out to your family.
w0nderingwhat2d0
I agree with Dickons' advice. I think your daughter would regret not going to see her which although it may hurt, it may give her some closure and perhaps give her the chance to learn things about her bmom that she never knew.
Good luck with everything and definitely call some local grief support services to ask how they would deal with the situation.
My prayers go out to your family.
First off, I am sorry about you and your daughters loss. It is never easy to lose a loved one, but I am sure that you would not trade a day with your wife and her mother...even knowing that you would lose her so early. I think this is the same with your daughters bmom. I doubt that she will regret meeting her and spending what time she can with her, because while it may seem to hurt more (at the time) to lose her after getting to know her, I think later in life it will feel worse not to have taken the opportunity to get to know her. I agree with the other posters who suggested counseling. I can tell that your daughter has a very loving and supportive father. You know her best, and I am sure that your father's heart will help guide you. The fact that you are seeking advise speaks volumes to your dedication to your daugther in this time. Does she have other people in her life who she is able to talk to? Good friends, aunts, grandparents, ect? I know that often times it was those people in my life that I was able to be most honest about how I was feeling after my dad died last year. (he was also 58) Sometimes it felt that I couldn't share as much as I wanted with my mom in fear of causing her more pain. So I think it is very important to have a support "team", and I hope that your daughter has one for this period in her life! :love:
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