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My husband and I have experienced 2 failed adoptions now. The first was international and before we could even figure out what to do or process our feelings we were approached by a friend who knew someone looking to give up their unborn baby. What a blessing! We thought the first one failed because this one was meant to be.
After months of getting to know the teen mom and her boyfriend, both of which were totally on-board for the adoption, PLUS months of planning, decorating a nursery, shopping, legal stuff, etc. the mom asked me to meet her because she was wanting some ice cream. I agreed and was SHOCKED that she was coming to tell me she changed her mind. She was keeping the pregnancy and adoption a secret from her family (she was living with grandmother, both her parents were wackos). Someone found out her secret and told and grandmother threatened to put her out on the street if she didn't "take responsibility" for her mistake. So she cancelled the adoption.
4 weeks before our son was to be born.
That was in June. I am a teacher and so I am off for the summers (plus I actually gave up my job to stay at home with the baby). I wallowed and cried the better part of the summer. As the schoolyear approached I was offered another teaching job so I took it. I thought the distraction would help me. I needed to get back into the groove of everyday life, I figured. At first it seemed to help, but now that things are settling down again I am so aware of the hurt. I am still having depressive symptoms. Yes, I am on meds (have been ever since I gave birth to my bio son). But my heart aches for that baby.
Any advice?
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I don't have any great words of wisdom, mainly because I've never been in your shoes. But I wanted to tell you that you're not alone...many, many of the wonderful adoptive parents who are members of this forum have been exactly where you are right now. I'm positive they'll be spotting your thread shortly and will be able to tell you how they coped with failed matches.
I think it's important to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the child that you thought you'd be bringing home. It's a very real loss, and I'm so sorry you're in such pain right now.
People are always saying on these boards that eventually your baby will find his way home to you...so don't give up hope. It'll happen... :loveyou:
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My husband & I have also had 2 failed matches!!!! The first was by far the worst. We were matched with an expectant couple who were due in just 7 weeks from the day we found out about it. We were set to meet them 2 weeks later. Well the day before we were supposed to meet them, our caseworker called and she was in Labor!!!! They wanted to meet us before the baby was born so we rushed to the hospital and met her about 1 hour before her son was born. They were both amazing and we spent 2 days in the hospital with them and what we thought would be our son! He was sick and had to be transferred to a children's hospital for surgery. They were supposed to sign papers on the 3rd day and we went to work thinking we would work half the day while they were signing everything and we would go down later for his surgery. Well around lunch we got the call that they decided to parent. It was horrible! We loved him AND we love his parents!!!! It's been 4 months since then and although I am better and I now am happy that they were able to parent him ( I could tell they loved him so much!) I still think about them all often and wonder how they are doing.
We have had several more "almost" but no more where we have met the expectant parents or seen the baby so they haven't been as hard. Each one is hard BUT I just remember that there is a plan and that one day all of this heartache will be so worth it!!!!!!! I dont' really have any great advice on how to deal with the pain but make sure you grieve for that baby and then just focus on the fact that your baby WILL come to you! It might take some time but once you get your baby, all of this waiting and heartache from failed matches will be a distant memory!
Good luck to you! I really hope we both get our babies really soon!!!!!
I am so sorry for what both of you have gone through, and as RavenSong said, it is really important to allow yourself to grieve these children. My husband and I went through an adoption fraud, but I will tell you, those babies felt as real as any to us- with names, clothes, and proud grandparents spreading the news about the upcoming additions to the family. This is probably going to come out all wrong, so sorry ahead of time if it does, but almost more to me than grieving the individual children was grieving the loss of the "situation" if that makes sense. I was convinced for days that no other situation or child(ren) would "fit" like what we just thought we lost. And for background, I am not someone who was "desperate" to have a child, so the fact that something was not happening right then was not where the hurt was coming from. I have always wanted to adopt because I am adopted, and I felt very strongly that for me, the right situation was out there- and in this fraud, the "situation" as it was presented to us, was what we were waiting for. Just as the original poster said, they fell in love with the parents, too, and believed this situation was a positive resolution for all involved. The loss of that is a real loss, too. I feel like I'm rambling and not making too much sense now, but I hope I was able to convey what I was trying to!
My husband and I did attend counseling briefly after our situation because I could not get past some depressive feelings and anger. Unfortunately for us, that didn't help but only made me madder because we did not end up with a good counselor. But it did help me feel like I was taking control and taking steps to get through this situation and move forward.
About a week after all that happened last year, we got a call about our twin girls......take care of yourself; I wish you the best of luck.