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My beautiful baby girl, Jordyn Grace, was born on November 22. It hasn't even been a month, and I feel so zombified. I guess I didn't expect it to hurt this much. I knew it would be hard, but I feel like part of me was just ripped away when she left.
Her parents are awesome. They're so kind-hearted, and they're able to provide a much more stable home than I could've ever done. Her mom even sings, just like I do. (: And they let me name her.
But I always think about her first day of life, the one I got to spend with her. How little she was, how sweet, how she held my fingers and slept in my arms. And I miss her. Its so hard to get through this.
Some of my friends think I should've kept her. They've fallen away from me a little bit. Some of my friends are upset that I didn't let them come meet her. But I wanted to be selfish and keep my time with her to mostly myself. Some of my friends promised they'd love me and take care of me no matter what, whether I ended up keeping Jordyn or not. Those promises weren't kept. And some of my friends are here holding me while I cry, and being beautiful people because I need them to be.
When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't know what to say.
I guess I'm okay. I'm back in school, finishing the semester. I'm living. I'm laughing. I'm having fun. But I'm crying. I have some very sleepless nights, and sometimes I just want to sleep for hours on end. I don't know how to be. And I'm pushing people away and not being myself. I just don't remember how. And that scares me.
I used to hug my friends tightly all the time because then we could feel Jordyn move. And now when I hug anyone, she isn't there. The first time I realized, it tore me apart.
I just miss her. I miss feeling like there was a chance she could be mine. I miss her dad. And I miss feeling like a mom. I hate knowing that I'm missing out. I don't want her to think that I didn't love her. Cause I do, so much. And that's why this hurts so much.
I guess I don't know what I need. I just know that I'm happy for her. I don't know what I am for me. I just need someone to understand. I'm falling apart, and no one sees..
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You summed up my feelings all into one message. I am in the same exact boat, about a month ahead of you.
I really hope Carson never thinks i don't love him..because i love him more than life itself. if you're trying to say your numb, thats how i feel. its hard to hide it. ignore the judgements...just know you did what you thought was right...not for you, but for that precious baby girl.
feel free to pm me anytime.
xoxorach
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I'm not a birthmom; I'm an adoptive mom, but your post spoke to me so deeply. It sounds to me like you've chosen great parents for Jordyn, and I'm sure they will make sure that Jordyn always knows how much you love her and how hard it was for you to make the decision to place her for adoption. I have conversations with my 9-year-old daughters often about their birthmom, that she loves them so much, that she is happy because they are happy even though it breaks her heart that she can't raise them.
It's sad that some of your friends have backed away from you, especially right now when you need the people who love you. I am glad you have some friends who are there for you, to hold you while you cry and not make judgments about your decision.
Do you have an open adoption with Jordyn's parents? Will you be able to see her? I hope so because I believe that's one thing that has helped our girls' birthmom to come to terms with the most difficult choice she ever had to make...being able to have a part in their lives.
(((HUGS))) to you. If you don't mind, I'll be keeping you in my prayers. This time of year makes everything painful so much more so, and I hope you're able to find peace of mind.
I do have an open adoption. For me, I didn't decide to give Jordyn up until veryyy close to the end of my pregnancy. I wanted so badly to stay in my little dreamworld where I was her mother and everything would be perfect.
But when it comes down to it, I'm 17 years old. I'm finishing my senior year of high school. Jordyn's dad and I dated for a year and a half. And he flipped out when I got pregnant. I have a restraining order against him now because he had started hitting me. That's another story in and of itself. I miss him every day. No matter what he ever did to me, I loved him. I loved who he was at least. And now I'm grieving both of them. I never knew my own dad though, and that's something I wanted so deeply for my own kids: two parents who would ALWAYS be there, and a stable household. My mom was never ever okay with me getting pregnant. She's still mad at me actually. I was supposed to be perfect. I get good grades, and I do good things. This wasn't in her plan for me. So without my ex's support and my mom's support, it wasn't going to be easy. I work part time as a busser at an Italian restaurant. That doesn't pay for a child.
So I went with my gut feeling and went back to Paul and Michelle, and I guess I'm trying to trust in the fact that they can give Jordyn both of her mother's love. Its just so hard. I wanted her so much. I never realized I could love anything in the world to that extent until I knew she was inside of me. And when I got to hold her, that made it ten times more.
Thank you for praying for me. That means a lot to me right now. The holidays are hard. Its her first Christmas and I'm not there. Thanksgiving was hard too. I knew I could be thankful for the fact that she had just gone home to great parents, a great home, and everything she'll ever need. But I didn't feel like I had anything left to hold onto for myself. So this will be difficult.
I'm just stuck in the middle. I'm glad that I gave her what I did. But I feel so broken. Its nice to know that I'm not alone though. Thanks again. I'm glad I joined this site.
You are definitely not alone in any of your feelings, I have felt every emotion you've wrote about and a whole lot more. I've been taking it one day at a time, it's the only way to get through it.
I think all birth mothers grieve, and we all find our own way to deal with it. I write, in my blog, in emails to other birthmothers, in a private blog for my son. Everytime I can't process my feelings I start writing about them and it helps me.
Another birthmother I know started reading every book having anything to do with adoption that she could get her hands on. She wanted to learn about everyone's perspective, figure out how they got to the other side. There are others who spent energy going to counseling, either support groups or social workers. Others may just need to spend some time on their own, sort of get a break from their life.
Whatever you find to help you vent how you're feeling and move through the grief, use it. And make no apologies to your friends if you're not the same person, how could you be.
I know how losing a relationship that meant something in the middle of this just makes everything else that much worse, but it sounds like you are better off without him. Take time to get closure from that relationship as well, my relationship with my son's bfather is still a scab that never quite healed. It can be frustrating.
You did a brave thing, and I'm sure your daughter will have a wonderful life. Just keep talking about it all, for me the pain isn't so sharp anymore, and I think in part that's because I've talked about it. You're in my thoughts. :grouphug:
(((((Rianne)))))You have done an amazing thing that most 17-year-old girls are incapable of...you've put the needs of your daughter before your own needs. That takes a lot of courage...and a lot of love.Rianne, I wish I could wave a magic wand over you and tell you that the pain and grief will disappear on such-and-such a date...but I can't. I've been exactly where you are right now, and I know how hard this is for you. The only thing I can tell you from experience is that you need to allow yourself to feel the pain. In order to get to the other side of grief and pain, you need to go through it...we call it the firewalk.Do you like to write or draw or sing? If so, try to capture your feelings and emotions through creativity. Write the pain, sing the anguish, paint the grief...get it out. Keep a journal, and try to write a little bit every day, even if it's only a sentence or two.It sounds like you found wonderful parents for your Jordyn. The one thing that helped me immediately following the birth and relinquishment of my baby son was to pray for his new parents every day. I don't know why it worked...but it did...it gave me a sense of peace that surpassed all understanding. If you believe in any Higher Power, try praying for your daughter's parents and see if it gives you some peace.I hope you keep coming back here and posting. We don't have all the answers, but many of us have walked in your shoes and know where you're coming from. I've made a lot of good friends here on the forums, people who've given me a lot of support and love. You will too... :loveyou:
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Hey sweetie.
I know how hard it is. I gave my child up for adoption on Oct, 19. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Sometimes in life the right things to do are the hardest to cope with. I have an extremely open adoption, but I still find peace and comfort by writing everday to her. Whether I chose to give them to her one day thats another story that will play out later in life. Try to do it, just write the thoughts and feelings you have that day. It helps. You made a very big decison and I am so proud of you for giving your daughter a better life, and to have that awareness at such a young age that you would not be able to do it is brave.
Rianne, You have completely summed up how I am feeling. It has only been two weeks and things are soo much worse than I ever could have imagined. I don't have any regrets, I just miss her. I'm 17 too and have an open adoption where I text the birthparents and get pictures pretty much daily. I also am pumping breastmilk so one of them stops by about every other day. So far I've seen my daughter Zaylee five times since she left with them. Each time I get to see her makes me feel better and yet its still so hard. I googled adoption support and it led me here, so any other birthmoms who miss their babies as much as I do feel free to PM me!!
My daughter Elena was born on December 9. She is with her adoptive parents now and I miss her. I have been feeling very alone and having crazy mood swings, but reading your post helped me realize that a lot of people are feeling the same emptiness. I wouldn't wish these kind of feelings on anyone, and I am so sorry for your loss. But you are not alone. I'm thinking about you.
This story made me bawl; I am an adoptee, and my birthmom was 17 when I was born. She didn't decide to give me up until she was around 8 or 9 months pregnant, and I know that she loved me and wanted to keep me, but that she knew it wasn't right.
You are making a very difficult and heartbreaking choice, and I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through; I am sorry for you pain. I agree with previous posters -- it sounds like you chose amazing adoptive parents for you baby girl, and it's even more wonderful that you were able to give her something that will define her all her life -- her name <3.
If you don't mind me sharing, from an adoptee's perspective, my most cherished possession is everything relating to my birthmom -- the letter she wrote me when she gave me up, the pictures of her at 17, the pictures I have of her holding me, and the name she gave me at birth (which my aparents didn't keep, but I have on my pre-adoption cert). A suggestion that might make you heal just a little bit (again, I don't know from the birthmom's perspective) and will be something so dear to her as she grows, is a letter to her, and a few pictures of you.
I am so sorry you are feeling this pain, and because some of the people who need to be there for you most right now aren't, but know that you are a strong, amazing person because of this decision you have had to make. I hope that as time passes you will heal, and that one day you two can have an amazing reunion.
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Im an adoptee, I was adopted when I was four, and I always knew I was adopted, I dont know who my birth mother was/is. But I want to thank you. You gave me hope. I have been so worried that my mother didnt care, that she never felt any kind of love for me. And I guess she must have. she gave me life. she gave my sister life. Who would give life to some one they never cared about? Ive been creating a blog on another website. trying to put the pieces together, and I feel as though through that Im getting some closure