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My husband has decided that he will tell his son that he is adopted. He has also decided not to tell his EX, his daughter nor other son that he is doing so because he does not want them to frame a story that will make him look like he was the one who did not want to tell in the first place. Briefly, when my husband married, his new wife brought to the marriage two children, one who was 11 and one who was 14. My husband did not have any children of his own. His new wife had issues with her ex-husband, mainly that he divorced her and she had never forgiven him for that. Her Ex had a relationship with his children. After she remarried, she gave her EX 3 choices: 1) come current on child support (something that wasn't an issue before she remained), or 2) go to jail for not paying or 3) terminate his rights so her new husband could adopt them. He chose to terminate his rights. When my husband's adopted daughter got pregnant at 16, her boyfriend and his mother did not want anything to do with the baby. Her mother bonded with the baby boy during the period that their daughter and new grandson lived with them. When her daughter got engaged to another young man, she wanted to take her son and move in with him and her mother refused. Their daughter had to take them to court to get her son back. When the daughter and son left the house, his wife was distraught, calling their daughter several times a day, telling her what a terrible mother she was so after a week or so, the daughter brought her son back and said that her parents could adopt her son. My husband said that she did not need to do that, he would support her and assist her but she decided otherwise. For the last 23 years, his son has believed his adopted parents are his bio parents and his bio mother and bio uncle are his sister and brother. Everyone on either side of the family knows differently. Infact, his mother has informed friends and family members that he is adopted but not to say anything. Even his adopted brother's oldest daughter, who is younger than he, knows. During our years of marriage, his EX has called 3 times to tell him that she thought it was best to tell him and in each case my husband agreed, only to have the EX called back the next day and say that after talking with the bio mother, that the bio mother was resistent because she hadn't told her current boyfriend. When he graduated from HS, his EX said that he was going to move to his bio mother's home and go to college and that she would tell him. The next thing my husband gets is a frantic telephone call from the EX saying that she found a letter from her EX-husband, the bio father of her two oldest, that was written to his grandchildren and one of the sentences said to tell their son that he would also buy him a Christmas present and that this was his daughter's son. When the EX called her EX and threatened to kill him if he said anything more, the EX gave her until the boy turned 19 to tell him the truth or he would. Last we heard on that was that his EX and daughter confiscated the Christmas card that her bio father sent to her son so he couldn't read it.
Since that time, both the EX and daughter said that, Now wasn't the time to tell him because he was going thru challenges. Really?! When is there really a Good time to tell a young man that the life he has known is a Lie?
We could use your guideance here. The bio mother, after several miscarriages, gave birth to 2 premature sons recently. Together they weighed approximately 4 lbs and remained in the hospital in intensive neo-natal care. The healthier of the 2 got to go home around Sept 3, the other had several surguries and nearly died a couple of times. He had several feet of intestines removed and several transfusions and it is thought that he may come home next month. Her bio son has seen her go to the emotions of miscarriaging. Until her two new sons were borned, her bio son was her only child.
Should my husband go ahead with his plans to tell his son and let the chips fall where they may? Should he wait until the bio mother is ready to deal with any fall-out if there is any? The EX and two oldest children are not exactly the nicest people, infact that they are quite selfish, but so many people know and my husband feels that his son deserves to know the truth. What are your thoughts?
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At this point there never will be a good time to tell him...he should have been told before he was old enough to understand, like around 3 years old. Your husband is correct that he should be told and should have been told years ago. I am sorry if this comes off harsh but enough with what the rest of the family thinks or is going through or whatever. He deserves to know and your responsiblity is solely to him. Be prepared for anger, silence, withdrawal that may take a long time to resolve. Or he may be okay with it to start with. Do your research first and find a counselor that is experienced in adoption because most aren't and will not be helpful. Go see the counselor yourself to see if he/she is someone with empathy and validation and understanding. The counselor may also have some ways to tell him. Whatever way he is told responsibilty for not telling has to be taken and acknowledged with an apology. Good luck,Dickons
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I totally agree with Dickons, especially "enough with what the rest of the family thinks or is going through or whatever. He deserves to know and your responsiblity is solely to him." I'm a full believer that lies, including the 'conspiracy of silence' of bystanders, compound problems. Courage, integrity and honesty builds trust. You all have a lot of trust-rebuilding work to do so I would highly urge family counselling to help if the sh_t hits the fan - big time.
Definitely tell him and make sure he has a support system in place when he is informed. If there is a pastor, teacher, therapist, trusted adult friend or relative or anyone else, please make sure they are available to him if he needs them. He will likely want/need someone to talk to and your dh might not be the one he wants to talk to.
This story resonates with me on so many levels as an adoptee that was lied to and didnt find out until I was almost 28. I found out by ordering a pre-adoption birth record or have no doubt my adoptive mother never would have told me. I like the idea of telling him and letting the chips fall because that is what I wanted and essentially self-inflicted, but if there was ever a better situation such as everyone being on board with telling him and having some time to be prepared that would be preferable, but as you recognize this is unlikely to happen.
To me there are 2 people in this scenario that have the right to tell, that being your husband, the father to the child and his Ex-wife being the mother to this child. The bio mother/sister given she is in his life could tell him but I feel it is mostly the decision of the parents. Personally I always wanted to know the truth and look back on my life wondering if they ever thought of telling me, when I found out I was a college graduate, married, with my 2nd and 3rd (twins) children on the way, so I couldnҒt exactly get more established and settled. I do worry these people will never tell him and I know he is going to be furious that everyone knew and kept it from him, to me the sooner the better, but ideally he needs a strong support system when he finds out. Are your husband and him close? Do you live near him? Does he have a good support system of girlfriend or friends? Does he have counseling services available to him? Also I think telling him in person is super important, my adoptive mother told me over the phone when I called her with the name of my bio mother and it pissed me off more, she had reason to believe I would find out and was a 4 hour drive/1 hour flight away. It was the most life altering conversation of my life and my motherӔ didnt have the decency to even do it in person. Also I think it needs to be made clear that this does not affect who his parents are, he can still treat bio mother like his big sister, she doesnҒt suddenly get mommy status. It will be a trip for him for a while, I had known for a couple days when I figured out my sister was really my cousin, since my mom is really my aunt. Good luck and make sure you let him know about this site so he has people to talk to.