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I read all the forums cause I just hit "new posts" and I like to read and reply to all sides. Hence I always have a hard time deciding where to post. If this is in the wrong category Mods feel free to move it.
OK now on to what this is really about.
Some may know a bit of my background where I was adopted within family. Bmom was Amom's sister. I always knew I was adopted and never ever had any issues or desire to seach until I was in dire need of medical history. When I discovered who Bmom was I was met with denial (not from aparents) but other aunts as well as biosibs. It was a big secret that it seemed everyone knew except me for over 40 years. Not a good place to be especially at the beginning when it came to famly functions or gatherings. Sometimes it felt like my life was somewhat of a joke at such gatherings.
Fast forward to the present. Last week I lost a cousin so naturally I was again forced to be at such gatherings. Of course a couple of the biosibs were present as it was their cousin as well. They both ignored me which was fine because the at another wake one of them made a huge scene which was outrageous not to mention disrespectful. As a matter of fact the scene was so bad that for those who had no idea of what was going on would have thought she was overwhelmed with grief in a highly dramatic manner(that situation warrants a thread of it's own)
Back to this wake and funeral. It was pretty clear to FSIL and Abrother as well as people that witnessed the prior fiasco that it was better that I was being ignored though I think a few of the other drama seeking cousins(one in particular) was waiting for a scene:popcorn: .
It's amazing what a little time and healing can do because this time I was able to walk into a family gathering with a sense of empowerment knowing that the playing field was leveled and no one had any secrets about me.
I know I am probably rambling but I am just comming off of this highy emotionally charged week/weekend. My cousin died of throat cancer and she had just turned 50 so it has been hard.
Now that I have some time to reflect back on things I can once again say that I am beyond blessed that I was not raised by bmom.
Is it normal to say and feel this? I mean whether normal or not I still feel this way.
While I am at it I must mention a couple of things that really blew not only my mind but that of Abrother and FSIL. Several people came up to both Abrother and I to thank us for caring for my Momma, this especially came from an aunt that was pretty cruel to me while growing up, in fact it was that aunt the perpetrated the biosib to make the scene at the other wake and yes the same aunt that insisted I "imagined" that her sister was my Bmom. After she thanked me repeatedly and I heard her do the same thing to Abrother I started to feel really uncomfortable. I liken it to when people call Aparents saints. IDK she did it several times at each of the gatherings and made sure everyone within an earshot knew what she was talking about even if they didn't know the entire situation. I mean seriously what am I ? some kind of volunteer or hired help? I finally said to her "this is my mother you are talking about of course I am going to care for her and I would hope that your children would do the same for you if ever God forbid you became ill"(my Momma has been in a nursing home for almost 7 years, prior to that I was her primary caregiver for 5 years and either Abrother or myself are at the nursing home everyday to feed her dinner) I mean I can appreciate a compliment but the tone and wording was far from a compliment.
After the 5th or 6th time she did it FSIL asked me why she kept saying that and why did she want everyone to know this? Needless to say there was much discussion about it with Abrother FSIL and I on the ride home (we all rode in together).
So my question is how would you feel if someone kept thanking you for doing something that is a no brainer?
If you read this far I thank you. I do not really start threads of my own that much but when I do you better believe it is because something really struck me.
Then of course after 4 days of what seemed like an eternity of being around bios and witnessing everything a 7 month pregnant smoking outside of the funeral home complaining that no one had a menthol even having the nerve to ask me if I had one. Grrr! :grr:
I try not to dwell on these things but it has been bothering me this thanking me as it has been Abrother too and he usually doesn't talk about these types of things so for him to talk about here days later it was definately something more to it. Any input would be appreciated.
EZ
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EZ, you aren't alone. I don't really know what to say at the moment, but I've been thanked for some of the stranges things by my bio family in the past 5 years. Most of the time, I'm so dumbfounded that they are thanking me, I don't know how to respond at the moment. The last was when my BGrandmother passed away. They thanked me for attending the memorial service. I've been reunited for 20 years. She was my grandmother. Why wouldn't I be there like everyone else in the family? (shrug) Wish I knew what to tell you.
...and, yes, I've said at different times, I was glad my BPs weren't the ones to raise me...doesn't mean I wish things couldn't be different, but since they weren't, well, I'm just glad I'm me. Hope that makes sense.
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Thanks Shadow, I still got IDK, maybe a feeling that this aunt maybe had this preconcieved notion that because we were adopted we would kick Amomma to the curb or turn our backs on her when she needed us most. How insane to even think such a thing!
Another thing that I was thinking is because she had need for everyone to hear her she wanted them to know that we were adopted and to let others know that it was so out of the ordinary that and "adopted" person could help and care for their parents. My brother told her straight out "we don't do anything for thanks we do it for love."
Another thing I was thinking is this aunt really never got to know my Abrother or I. She was the one that as I said treated us horribly because we were adopted.
Honestly, after a while it was pretty embarrassing. I mean would she be thanking me if I were not adopted.
Rarely do I allow adoption affect me, but there are times when it is unavoidable like when people say stupid things.
Sometimes when I read posts about Bmoms missing their bios or wishing they could hold them I do feel a little bad that my Bmom chose not to but that is only for a fleeing moment because I had just read it.
It's not like I wear a sign or make a PSA that I am an adoptee IRL because to me there is no difference, these are my parents who just happened to have adopted me.
Hope that made sense lol
I read all the posts here and most of the time I gain insight or at least I getting to thinking from different perspectives. Sometimes I learn what to do and alot of times I learn what NOT to do.
Above is one of the thinks of what not to do or at least might be offensive to an adoptee.
Anyhow, I am still trying to understand this. For the most part I can consider the source and let it go if it is a one time thing, bu I think because this happened so many times(the thanking) over a 4 day period, it affected me. I can't even use the excuse that my aunt is old, cause she isn't.
EZ
A friend of mine used the term "emotional intelligence" the other day to reference that some folks "get it" emotionally. They understand how to interact with others, how to express themselves, how to handle stressful or awkward situations without it overwhelming them, how to deal with difficult subjects. Some folks are very emotionally intelligent, and others not so much. Perhaps this Aunt just doesn't "get it." Maybe you're right in that she has this warped sense of what adoptive families are, but if what you say about the rest of the family is true, it doesn't seem like they really support those related by blood either. Maybe drama is what they know how to deal with. . .Maybe they just don't know any better. You obviously do, though. And because it's a part of who you are and how you live, you just naturally think others are this way, too. Unfortunately, sometimes they are not. Good for you being able to walk in feeling empowered! I cannot imagine how frustrated this aunt must've felt when her attempts to push your buttons didn't work!:clap:
EZ, I wish I had some answers for you. Is it in part that some people just don't get it that children who are adopted are as much a part of the family as those who are born in to it? My bson has a very strong bond with his Mom; he and his dad sort of butt heads, but they do love each other. D did tell me one time that he thought I'd made the right decision. (Talk about a bittersweet emotional response on my part. I was glad he felt that way and maybe a little hurt too -LOL) I have to admit that I was very glad that he came to my Dad's funeral last year. (It meant a lot to me, but it was his first "public" appearance among my family.) It seems to me that people like your aunt are very insecure in who they are so they take it out on others. It's like people who point out others small mistakes so no one notices their own failures. (It rarely works!) When I took clinical pastoral education, we were taught to say "Thank you for sharing," when some one said something that drove us nuts. It's a very handy comment. (Try not to sound sarcastic when you say it!)
Ez, you make perfect sense to me. Why would we think of our parents in any other way? They are the only parents we knew for the majority of our lives. I certainly understand why your aunts behavior would bother you. I will always take care of my Mom. My mind can't even comprehend "not" taking care of her. she's my "Mom". Maybe your aunt's behavior was just her seeking to be the "center of attention"? How better to draw everyone's attention than to, well, do what she did? No matter what your reaction, she could paint herself in a good light, which was, most likely, her goal? kwim? Aaahhh, the joy of drama queens. I like Kathy's reply. I'm going to keep that in mind the next time I get cornered by a drama queen. "Thank you for sharing.", with a great big smile. I've learned with people like that, the less you say...the better, and the look on their face when they get flustered because you didn't respond as they expected...lol I might not be able to "see" that look, but I can definitely "feel" their confusion and discomfort.
You know, it is sad that our Bmom's didn't, for whatever their reasons, parent us. A lot of things about adoption are sad. It doesn't mean we can't appreciate the lives we have because of it, or feel a little sad when we think of how it might have been if things had been different. Feeling those things, IMO, just makes us human. I don't know why people want to make it so black and white. A few years ago, my Bsis and I had a conversation about "taking care of mom", meaning bmom. Bmom hasn't made the best decisions a person could have made in their lifetime, and now, at retirement age, she has no money, is living in my Grandmother's house. Bmom, I think, assumes, her "children" will take care of her. The two she raised, have enough trouble taking care of themselves, so this will be interesting as things change.
My Bsis was stunned when I explained to her that Bmom's "children" would, indeed, have to take care of her, but I would not be one of those "children". There was no spite/anger in my saying that, just fact, as I explained, I was already "taking care of my Mother". Bmom was Bsis and Bbro's responsibility. I would be there for them to help, advise, support, but they would be "responsible for Bmom. It's very hard for my bfam to accept that Bmom is my mother, and I do love her, but my loyalty, my responsibility is to the Mom that adopted me. They understand it, but it's very hard for them to accept the facts of my adoption. To them, Bmom is my "mom", even after the way she has treated me. They understand I have another mother, but it's just more than they can absorb at times, if that makes any sense.
In my Afam, I think I just became accustomed to hearing the "we're not really related" thing. Not a problem, they are all crazy anyway. lol That doesn't change the fact that it still stings, and shines the spotlight on the fact that I am adopted. That, too, I think, makes us human.
Kathy, my Bmom, I told my bmom, on more than one occasion, that she made the right decision. I said it for two reasons. 1. I needed to believe it and 2. I hoped it would make her feel better about her decision. Truth is, none of us really know. I wonder now if maybe saying that's something we just can't know is a better answer for us all? Does that make sense? (EZ, sorry for getting a little off tract here.)
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EZ2luv, I don't know what it is about aunts, my adad's sister one always used to say to my parents "well, it is not like they are your real children" and for some reason, she couldn't understand why they got so upset LOL. To be honest, we do all believe that this aunt has an undiagnosed mental illness; there is definitely something wrong with her.
I hate it when people say "oh your parents are so wonderful adopting you!", it makes us children sound as if we are burden that our parents have taken on LOL (there are four of us in our family). It is extraordinarily patronising as it manages to offend everyone in the triad.
There are lot of people who feel that way; it is of course a totally separate issue to how you feel about adoption overall. In my own case, I don't think I would have been any worse off with my bmother - I'm not saying it would be better or worse, it would just be different. My bfamily are lovely people; they are the epitome of the phrase "salt of the earth". By all accounts, my bmother was a very nice person and I haven't heard a bad thing about her (OK, I know people always talk about people who have died young in a positive way but even reading between the lines, this seems to be the case). She would probably have been an excellent mother if she had been able to raise any of her children (she had a very similar obstetric history to your poor amum). Btw, this doesn't mean I don't love my amum, I do; I am just stating the truth of how I feel (actually, when I told her all about the bfamily, she actually said to me, it was a pity that I didn't grow up with them, so she wouldn't be upset about me saying this at all).
Shadowriderer, I have always thought that if I had ever been able to speak to my bmother, I would say "I would like to reassure you that I had a good life", I don't think I could have said "you made the right decision" because I think she is the only one who knew whether it was the right decision or not, though as you said, none of us can really know.
EZ2luv After she thanked me repeatedly and I heard her do the same thing to Abrother I started to feel really uncomfortable. I liken it to when people call Aparents saints.
EZ2luv Now that I have some time to reflect back on things I can once again say that I am beyond blessed that I was not raised by bmom.Is it normal to say and feel this? I mean whether normal or not I still feel this way.
Shadowriderer Kathy, my Bmom, I told my bmom, on more than one occasion, that she made the right decision. I said it for two reasons. 1. I needed to believe it and 2. I hoped it would make her feel better about her decision. Truth is, none of us really know. I wonder now if maybe saying that's something we just can't know is a better answer for us all? Does that make sense? (EZ, sorry for getting a little off tract here.)
Thank you for all your responses. I think this proves that as an adoptee there will be akward times even though they may be far and few between.
I guess I have a greater advantage than most adoptees of my time in closed adoptions as I got to see how Bmom lived and raised her kids and she got to see how I was raised. I still shake my head over that one and the whole most of the family knew except me thing. Goes to show they were very good at concealing the truth. Now I attribute this to what Bmom wanted. Aparents would have told me the truth in a heartbeat. I know this for a fact. I did love my Bmom as an aunt but there were certain things that I did not, lets just say, they went against everything my Aparents instilled in me as morally right.
My thoughts are that sometimes you can love someone from a distance and not like what they do and and I am fine with that.
What I do wish is that Bmom would have been open to the truth and I would have understood and I know that she knew I would have understood.
I remember when Bmom was sick and I offered to go and take care of her because her raised kids were not all that caring. I would have gladly went to help her as a neice but she declined my offer. At the same time my Amom began to show signs of dementia so it was hard to know why she declined because she would call me up a lot to basically complain about her raised kids.
I would have loved to tell her how wonderful my life was even though she could see but moreso would have loved her to hear me thank her for blessing me with my life.
I got to talking to my FSIL (future NOT former) and she seems to think that Auntie Drama is feeling some guilt for all thr horrible things thats he has done to me in the past and the fact that her only surviving sibling (Amom) has been in a nursinghome for nearly 7 years and she has only visited 3 times while she worked right down the street. (even visited someone else there daily for weeks at a time)
Then I thought well maybe this Bfamily is just not that caring type. Which could very well be the case as they seem to turn their back on their parents when they are sick and need them most. Bmoms kids were not the only cousins to do this when their mom got sick. So given the history she probably figured it was so out of the ordinary that it warranted a "thank you. Who really knows?
All I know is that I have pretty much accepted that this is how Auntie Drama is and there is little I can do about it though when these things first happen they do throw me for a loop. I am just glad that her drama seeking did not work like it did in the past.
Suffice to say, that some people like to create their own reality and this is a prime example. Auntie Drama after telling me that I only "imagined" who my Bmom was went on to try and convince me that it was a surrogacy after I showed her the legal papers . Ask me again why I am glad I was raised by am Aparents and distanced from Bfamily?
It's said that, "Tragedy +Time= Comedy" and I can say that as time passes I just have to laugh at certain things if not I will find myself looking for answers that aren't there and they will never be. In fact the original questions have been replaced with more questions so that is when I just have to accept it and say "it is what it is" or I will drive myself bonkers and waste too much time and energy while Auntie Drama is off terrorizing someone else and doing what she does best.
I guess I am lucky that these are adoption related things and I can put my finger on things. I am sure non adoptees have their share of issues too but aren't able to define why. Such is life and if I had to choose I would choose mine.
EZ
ETA. That at this point I am more aggravated over the pregnant one smoking thank anything Auntie Drama said. I can't wait to return to work lol