What do I call her?

The best course, I've found, is to just ask. Ask your daughter what she would like you to call her and her children in terms of family relations. (((Jean))) It's a rough road, I know. Hang in there.

Of course, she may disagee, but you are her Mother, and those are your Grandchildren. I think you have every right to claim that, as she has every right to claim who you are to her. Ask her what the boundaries are and keep in mind they can always change. I had no idea what to call my bmom at first. Her first name seemed disrespectul, Mom didn't feel right... as we got to know one another, things fell into place.

She calls me Jean, and I call her Maura. Reminds me of something else.....At birth, I gave her the name Christine. After we met, Maura wrote to me, and promised to name her first-born daughter 'Christine'. She never did, and has had two daughters

Here's my take on things. My son is my son. Always was and always will be my son regardless of my decision to place him. I refer to him as "my son" when I am discussing him to friends and family or on these boards. If we reunite and I need to introduce him, out of respect for him, I will ask him how he wants to be addressed, i.e. "this is J" or "this is my son" or "this is my birth son, J" etc. If I get to meet his afamily, I'm not going to go around calling him "my son" out of respect for his mother, so when and if that time comes, we will have to iron that out. I also personally refer to myself and feel very strongly that I am my son's mother. Not his only mother, not his "real" mother, but one of two mothers. I do not let anyone else define how I consider myself and don't see the need to qualify my motherhood by using the "birth" descriptor unless it's for clarity. That doesn't mean I expect my son to call me "mom" or that I will be disrespectful to him if, in his presence, he does not want me to refer to myself as his mom. I will use "birth mother" here on the boards when I need to clarify my role, but other than that, I'm one of his moms. My role may have been different and limited, but I did not sign away my motherhood when I relinquished him. I think flexibility is key in terms of the words we use to define ourselves and our relationships with the children we placed. What may work for us in how we define our relationships to others may not work with our kids or their families. So we need to adjust and just communicate to find terms that are mutually agreeable in different circumstances.

I am on the other side of the triad. I am the adoptive mom. To me, and this is my opinion only, my son is my son, but he is also his birthmothers son. I refer to her by her name, but that is because my son has special needs and it is confusing to him (he is only 3) to call her mom also. When she writes letters to him she signs them mommy A. That is fine with me. Her parents call themselves grandma and grandpa to him and that is fine with me.

Thanks everyone for the responses. I appreciate it. We're meeting tomorrow, my daughter, her husband, and their three children, along with my two daughters, both adopted from China. My daughters are really looking forward to meeting Maura....I am getting SO nervous about meeting her three little ones.....It is so hard to hold back, and I have to. I guess I'm an absentee grandmother, right? lol. I just sent Maura an email and asked if we could get a quick bite to eat after we meet at the (little) zoo, and kept my fingers crossed, not just for myself, but for my daughters, also. She wrote back, and yes, we're going to have pizza together. I have a lot of tears in my eyes right now.

Congratulations! Best of luck! Having only just recently seen my son for the first time in 20 years, I know what you're going through and it's very hard to keep it together. But you can do it!

Jean,Have a wonderful day tomorrow!

My son and I found each other a few years ago. It's been very slow going, almost 5 years and no in person visit, one phone call and emails mostly. I sign my emails with my name. I refer to his A.parents as his mom and dad. I don't know if he will ever want more and I'm okay with taking it at his pace. I'm SO SO SO excited for you. She is letting you see her and her children that is a blessing but I also know how the fear and guilt and everything else gets all wrapped together in this. I am really hoping you just have a wonderful guilt free day from one birth mom to another!

Best wishes for a wonderful day. I hope you will let us know how it all went!

Thanks everyone. I will definitely post afterwards. My 14-yr. old is like....'I'm going to be stealing furtive sideways glances at them while looking at the animals'...I know they both understand, yet I listen to their comments....'we're aunts!!!!....I've always wanted another sister....'.

Well, it was awkward, and then it was fine! We met at a zoo in Rhode Island, introductions were made....then we walked around - my first daughter with two of her children, and her husband with the other child, and myself and my two daughters. So I would once-in-awhile go up to husband and talk...I tried talking to the kids a bit....ended up walking with first daughter for a bit at the end.... Then we drove separately to a pizza restaurant, and it was better, more conducive for talking. My two daughters talked, my first daughter's kids talked, etc. Right at the end, so much stuff came pouring out....first daughter was asking questions, we shared what happened when the first contact was made, we were all laughing....she looks so much like her birthfather's side of the family.....it was fun. And then she said to her kids....Technically, Jean's kids are your aunts, so if they have children, you will then have More cousins....technically, they're my sisters....so I said 'technically, you're my grandchildren'....and she said 'yes, you have 5 grandmothers', to which we all laughed, because she meant grandparents..... And it's funny, because I say the same to my children....'technically, she's your sister'.... It went fine!

Glad to hear it!!! It's always nice to have that first one (with the kids, I guess) under the belt. I hope things just get better and better!!

Sounds like after a few initial awkward moments, you all warmed up nicely to each other! I hope things continue to progress well for you.

I emailed her afterwards, and forwarded some of the pictures I took (unfortunately, none of her)....and let it be known that I'm aware of her extremely busy schedule, but it would be nice to repeat... She wrote back, and said all weekends are booked because of sports, but maybe in the spring. I'm fine with that!