words that helped you

Amidst all the pain and anguish stories, I'm curious to hear from other adoptees about what sorts of words/advice/conversations helped you get through the worst parts of your adoption/search/reunion-related struggles? For me, one of the conversations that helped me was with a pastor. I was somehow of the expectation that I should find a way to 'erase clean' the adoption-related pain. What a daunting, insurmountable challenge that seemed! I felt that my newly discovery/previously buried adoption-related pain had ****ed me for life - that I would never 'get over it'. Instead, the pastor said something like one actually learns to 'integrate it' into one's life, rather than totally rid oneself of it. For some reason, her explanation helped me better accept and be at ease with my situation. Similarly, when I'd asked some friends who I know had endured child abuse how they cope as adults, they said they learn to manage the after-effects on a day-to-day basis - that they never truly 'get over it'. Another adoptee had described dealing with post-adoption stuff like having a scar. Eventually the scar heals over but sometimes something will bump into it and re-open it, then it heals over again. A therapist I'd consulted (she specializes in trauma stuff) described dealing with the after-effects of trauma like dealing with waves that come in and out. Sometimes the waves are stronger, sometimes not. Talking to the above 4 people really helped me better accept the fact that my pain would come and go and that I could find ways to deal with it. The burden of self-imposed assumptions that I should 'get over it' once and for all was removed and so I didn't feel bad for feeling bad. Finally, some friends of mine who are in the mental health field had acknowledged just how much it takes for one to really 'just be with' and confront one's pain. Hearing that helped me feel like my grieving wasn't 'wrong' but actually healthy. Just sharing some of my own reflections - I look forward to hearing from other adoptees about their own experiences regarding helpful conversations.