Christmas presents and behavior problems

I can't answer #1 because this is our 1st Christmas with a foster child and at this point no one has said anything to us about Christmas presents or agencies who help with them (our FD is an infant, so I'm not really worried about providing for her)#2...I have a son with sensory issues and he is badly behaved a lot of the time. We do not take away Christmas or Birthday presents for behavior. It isn't his "currency" so it wouldn't affect his behavior in a positive manner anyway. I am a big believer in finding a kids currency and using that as a way to affect positive change in their behavior.

Taking toys away for bad behavior is our FD's "currency" it works well. We tell her that toys are a priviledge and that if she is not taking care of her things or her behaviors ect.. she will lose an item. It has made a big impact and works. We have had a hard time doing it but she is responding well to it. This is our first year with our FD and the agency has not mentioned anything about C. Gifts for her. Just a side now she is already talking about Christmas and I have seen some escalation in her behaviors due to the up coming holiday season....

I would try to make the presents fair for all kids.I do not take away birthdays or holidays but that's just me.

First question: We try to make it as fair as possible but do not buy "extra". Instead we take some of the gifts we or others purchased for FC and put some away for prizes or birthdays. Second question: I personally do not take away holiday gifts for behavior. They might lose the priveledge of playing with those gifts after the holidays at some point as a consequence BUT the holiday time for me is about family time and positive experiences and I want it to be a happy, safe memory. Especially for kids who may not have many happy holiday memories.

DH's family uses the threat of Bumnickel if kids are not behaving at Christmas time. Bumnickel comes Christmas night after you have opened all your toys and if you haven't been good, he takes your toys away. Apparently this actually happened with DH and his siblings (not the younger kids though). We use the threat of Bumnickel with the kids who understand - almost in the same way parents will use "Santa Claus is watching you" to get their children to behave during the holidays.

Thanks guys. As far as whether or not it would work as a consequence. I know for sure that Big M would respond but I just am not totally comfortable with it being a consequence. We will stick to what is working now and not let it affect Christmas. He is an ODD/RAD kiddo and we have learned that he functions better with a clear set of rules and consistent consequences that we stick to no matter what. He still has episodes but they are changing in ways that make me feel we are progressing:)

If child is a RAD kid, I would definitely not take away Christmas. It just reinforces how bad and worthless the kid truly is that they can't even have Christmas. I would use other consequences.

I am sorry if I gave the impression that we would take away Christmas or Christmas presents from our FD. We have set rules in our house. Tantrums or constant infractions of sassy behavior for a period of time will warrant the removal of a toy from her room of our choosing. She will often calm right down and we don't have to. We have already done most of our Christmas Shopping for FD and are excited about sharing our first Christmas with her and enjoying traditions and making it a welcoming fun time.

AGREE!!!!!!!!

He is doing much better this year than last. Last year Halloween started the holiday anxiety. It has been nice because this year we are able to talk about what we did last year and he is realizing that the traditions we have stay the same (advent calendar with chocolates, making gingerbread houses the first saturday of December, watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas on Thanksgiving Day, Decorating the church the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and 'adopting' an angel to shop for for Christmas) These are all things our family has done every holiday season and he is now able to share in that and now with his second holiday season with us he is realizing that he can count on that. Through therapy we have found out that the last Christmas he had with birthmom (he only lived with birhtmom ages 5 - 7) he recieved NO presents and he had to watch his 2 other siblings and his 4 cousins open their presents. NO we will not be taking away any presents nor will we use that as a threat in any way.

Hey impact, #2 is a great thought. Thanks for the bit of wisdom. I never thought about it that way either, but you are so right. :)

I agree with the consensus going that you don't take away presents for misbehavior. I know one foster dad who used to promote this as well as some definitely questionable methods, but fortunately he lost his license and is no longer a parent to anyone. I think it goes along with respecting and nurturing your kids, even when they are being disciplined. You have to find ways so that their poor choices cost more than they are worth, without sacrificing who you are to them. Especially with RAD, this can be very, very difficult. In fact, I truly believe that if you have no real attachment with a child, you have no capability to actually change their behavior. You still have to establish order and structure and guide them, but until you mean something, they won't internalize the lessons and believe them. As for making presents even, I would just make them even from you. If some of the kids have extras from agencies, just explain that they come from their past but were delivered now. If your kids are astute enough to recognize that it was uneven, then they are perceptive enough to listen and realize that the foster or adoptive kids have other losses that even the score.

I never take presents away, if the kids behave badly near christmas i take that to mean that they are very anxious and need a calm secure environment with lots of structure so i stop any activities tht might cause more anxiety but especially with Gem, she thuoght that she was a bad person etc so i pushed the message that she was worth more and didn't take presents away. However in the first few years i didn't give her a lot of presents and that prevented her behavior from escalating because the more presents she got, the more overloaded she felt. Gradually her present number increased and we did more together at christmas e.g. once i took her to christmas eve mass because she had heard a friend talking about it and wanted to go herself, until then I just kept it ow key. We still had a great time (well, after the first couple of years, they were no fun at all!)

to answer #1....L received $100 from the county for Christmas presents before her adoption was finalized. I would do a pp poster suggested and presents from you be evenish and then either explain why the extra's come or keep those for other occasions. #2...nope would not take away a birthday or holiday from a child. I believe in consequences for actions, but I also believe that some things are more important and need to be just there as well. Toys can always be put on time out until they can be played with in a nice manner or until the behavior de-escalates. I'm also a fan of keeping Christmas small (immediate family members) if it needs to be (children acting out due to overstimulation or attachment issues) but meaningful.