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Hello all,
As some of you might know, I have been in contact with my extended bfamily for the last 9 months. It has been pretty good and I have been getting to know them as people as well as learning about my bmother (died 30 years ago aged 39). Just recently, I have also decided to contact some of her friends to get a more complete picture and just in the last week I have spoken to two very lovely ladies who have given me quite a full picture of my bmother. Talking to them has really helped in a myriad of ways, not just because they have cleared a few things up, some of things they have said have helped in other deeper ways.
Anyway, the point of this post is that one day, I would like to speak to my bmother's widower. They were married for 4 years until her death. The only thing is that my uncles feel that I probably shouldn't speak to him because they feel he wouldn't understand, I think they think he is a bit of a chauvinist (my bmother seemed to do everything for him). I have no idea if she would have told him of my existence or not (more likely the "not"). From what I can make out, he seemed to have been devastated by her death and I am assuming that he genuinely loved her. He has married again (no children in this lastest marriage, I think it was to a lady of the same age as him i.e. in 40s (they married 25 years ago, this is his 3rd wife, my bmother was 2nd wife). The uncles think his latest wife is a nice lady and I get the impression there would be no discomfort on her behalf. Speaking to one of the bmother's friends, when I mentioned the marriage, she felt that perhaps I should contact him.
I was just wondering how you ladies would feel about you child contacting your widower if you had passed away (sorry for sounding morbid), especially if you hadn't had a chance to tell him (though of course I don't know if this is the case). The thing is, I don't want to upset him. If he hasn't heard about me, then I could be telling him something about his former wife that he may not want to know. At the same time, it might help him to understand her better (everyone has said that though great company most of the time, she could get very moody and withdrawn at times (even before deaths of her father and 3 subsequent babies) and they have all said they feel they now understand why - being a practical person though, I can't say for sure it necessarily has anything to do with the adoption though I think it could be related to a combination of things that happened around that time).
The thing is, I suppose I would just like to speak to the person who spent 4 years with my bmother. Having said that, it would probably be very selfish of me to contact him just because I want to know more about his former wife and I suspect that I should just accept that, at present, he is "off bounds".
What do you think? Should I leave it? I had no plans to contact him anyway until at least next year.
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If (glad I didn't) I had passed away before meeting my daughter.....my husband would be the best person who could give her a picture of "the real me" and the details (including feelings and emotions) surrounding her conception, birth, adoption plan....how I loved to rub babies feet on my face kissing the bottoms.....etc. etc. I have a "box of memories" here at my house that my husband would never release to anyone besides my daughter, even upon my passing.
I asked my husband "what if I never told you and she came to ask you a few questions, would you be willing?". He answered very quickly "Absolutly" he did add that he would be hurt to know that I could not share my whole self with him (but would certainly explain my moodiness and withdrawl, I spend alot of time with my daughter in my head). Aslo, he liked the idea of being able to visually see her...a mirror image of myself.
In the situation you describe I could see my family leading my daughter to believe that it may not be best to contact him. And would probably say something ignorant like "he's gotten on with his life, we should let him be". Blah, blah, blah some things never change!
Maybe he will be able to provide some answers, or a few photos, if not....perhaps a story. Who knows? :grouphug:
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Thank you so much for your reply, Me-n-u! I think I will wait at least until I have met my youngest uncle before doing anything (he lives interstate and even though he apparently is interested in meeting me sometime, we have had no communication as yet). If I do go ahead with it, do you think a phone call or letter is best?
There is one further factor that I haven't mentioned but I don't wish to talk about in on main forum so I will send you a PM (hope you don't mind)
Btw your husband sounds like a lovely man :)
When my bson and I connected, my DH mentioned that he'd always expected that someday the phone would ring and it would be D. Had I died, he would have shared what he knew; he was there throughout my pregnancy and labor (except that my mom wouldn't let him go to the hospital for the actual delivery or afterward because she didn't want people to talk!) He could/would have helped D get in touch with his bdad's family. (Bdad died in 2000 so D will not meet him.)
Thanks Kakuehl.
I suppose my thing is that even though I believe my birthmother's husband loved her very much, there are some issues about which I don't really know the full story.
I do think I will make contact some time next year. Having said that, I would have no idea what to say. I don't think I can just ring up and say "Hi, my name is C, I am your previous wife's daughter that she had adopted in 1964", that might be a bit too blunt. Seriously though, I am not sure what is the best thing to say or even whether writing a letter would be better. Also, I am not even sure how much he knows about her twins (stillborn) from a previous relationship in 1972 (I will have to find out from one of the uncles).
From reading an article about their wedding, I actually get the impression that he may have been born to a single mother himself. In the article, it lists his mum's name and his stepfather's name but no father, whereas it lists my bmother's mum's name and her dad's name (who had already passed away) so if he is the child of a single mother, I imagine he would not have been judgmental about her twins. However, conversely, that may make him more judgmental about adoption.
Anyway, I really appreciate both of you letting me know how your own husbands would feel, that does help a lot.
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