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Hi everyone i just found this site and from what ive read so far its nice to finally find some people who understand!! i am adopted and have known since i was very little, i am very grateful to my adoptive parents for doing this and not dropping a bombshell on me later in life! i have an adopted sister too so it was nice not being the only one. I never thought being adopted bothered me, i dont remember ever being angry or hurt or even bothered but i am starting to wonder if it has affected me more than i ever let on or even realised. My parents are great they have given me so much love and its not been plain sailing we have had some tough years, ive always been the shy quiet one where as my sister was the older rebellious one, she took drugs, had bad relationships and a very volitile relationship with my parents, i spent years being the go between trying desperatley to get them to like each other! looking back now at 13 it was a stressful situation but as usual i just accepted it and tried my best, i am thankful that my relationship with my sister has always been very close. I am jealous of her and always have been she is petite stunning, was very popular and outgoing whereas i was always overweight, shy,not many friends! i think ive always compared myself to her even though i knew why we were so differant.
About 18 months ago i found my birth mother unbelieveably it took about 15 mins on the internet i couldnt believe it, it happened so quick i was in complete shock to be honest. My mum & dad have always been very supportive and she was more excited than i was to be honest! i cant complain this has all gone almost too well and i think thats why im struggling a bit? not that i wanted it not to just its so surreal. i was then told i had 2 younger sisters so that was a complete shock as well, thank god they knew all about me and one had been looking for me for some years. I have met up with them a couple of times now and the first time i met my birth mother i didnt feel anything, is that weird? i just thought ok so yeah i can see myself in you and that was it! she hasnt been in my face and has backed right off as she said she doesnt want to pressure me and the girls altho its been a bit rocky we are building a relationship slowly. she told me why she gave me up she said she had an affair and she wanted me to grow up with a dad and he wouldnt be around, thats fine i understand again i just said ok and didnt feel anything!! its odd seeing myself in one of the girls we are so alike its a bit scary and so weird for me being a big sister, im used to being the little sister and im not sure if i like it really!! ive struggled with my weight my whole life and the rest of my adoptive family dont have that problem so it was quite nice in a way to meet my birth family and see they all had weight problems, proves im not just a greedy cow lol!
its only been recently ive thought how i spend my whole life trying to please people, to the point where ive got myself in thousands of pounds worth of debt because i almost dont think im enough so i buy peoples friendship, ive been used by men for years and its taken me 8yrs to get out of a relationship with an alocholic as he has got me in so much debt. now i think about it all my ex;s have been with people who have drink problems or depressed or anything that says help me and im there! im so lonely and just want to meet a nice man and settle down but all i hear in my head is 'your not good enough' i have huge eating issues and disorders and my self esteem is poor. maybe its all coincidence and im trying to find an excuse? ive got parents who love me and look after me, and a birth family who now all want to love me so why do i feel so alone and like i have to prove something to everyone all the time? even at work recently i was told i am too helpful and want to do everything for everyone and although its a good trait to have I do it too much and need to stop! I like that im a caring person but its also my downfall as i get let down so often by so called friends, i let people walk all over me and no matter how often i say i wont do it anymore i always do! does this sound familiar to anyone else? i dont know how to move on, im so lucky i got to meet my birth mother, im lucky i was treated well growing up, im lucky i have supportive parents who i knew wouldnt mind me searching for my bmum so why is this still not enough? i feel so ungrateful and selfish!!
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Good for you for having the courage to reunite as well as look at some of your deeper issues - that may or may not be adoption-related. Some researchers have mentioned that things like eating disorders, lack of self esteem and the feeling that one's not good enough (and so one overcompensates by trying really, really hard to please others) are adoption-related, regardless of how loving a relationship they've had with their a-family or b-family. In other words, these sorts of behaviours can be related to a type of pre-conscious separation trauma that can show up in all kinds of ways. [URL="http://www.nancyverrier.com/ado_notes.php"]Nancy Verrier[/URL][URL="http://www.adopting.org/silveroze/html/lifelong_issues_in_adoption.html"]Lifelong Issues in Adoption[/URL] All I can suggest is see if you can find a counsellor who's familiar with adoption issues and/or read up on books about adoptees and post-adoption (eg. the book, "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky et al. Some people have spoken quite favorably of the resources available at Adoption Crossroads [URL="http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/"]Adoption Crossroads: Adoptee First Parent Reunion Search Support[/URL] and the back of the book, "Journey of the Adopted Self" by the late Betty Jean Lifton has lotsa resources.There are also some recommended book/reading lists in the Resources section of the following Australian-based organisation [URL="http://www.bensoc.org.au/postadoption/"]Post Adoption Resource Centre - Post Adoption Home[/URL] If you type in 'adoptee' and 'counseling' in a search engine, you might also be able to find some other useful resources. Feel free to share your experiences and feelings here. The people here are very understanding and supportive.
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Sometimes it's hard to know what is, or is not adoption related. Judging from the posts here many of us have followed in each others footsteps. It's easy to understand your feelings.Adoptees are subject to all kinds of influences from within, and without. Some may or may not be adoption related.I am male and when I was told about adoption at age 7, it was devastating. I began to look for ways to overcome the adoption sentence and become human.I didn't want any extra attention, only to be left alone. If I became perfect maybe that would prove I had value. The family would accept me as one of their own. All of that would be the key to becoming human. The playing field would be level and I could relate and integrate with my peers. I could give up my status as an "outsider."I could forget about being tainted and suspect. Clearly, a key was to be perfect. As a people pleaser there was hope that a long term shelf life of good deeds would build and be a stepping stone to family acceptance.All of that was a childs attempt to gain acceptance. What was unknown was that to be perfect was not possible.The underlying grief and loss were reasons to be less than perfect...in short, I was grieving and didn't know. There were gaps in my head I couldn't reach or fix. Without those repairs I knew acceptance by my family and peers was a fantasy.Also there was the discovery related to the shelf life of good deeds. Good deeds have almost no shelf life. If there is any, it is short lived and only in the eyes the individual for whom it was done. Once that shelf life has expired it is forgotten or discarded and the adoptee status remains.I wish you the best.