Birthmother ? about OA with Gay Couple

I'm one half of a gay couple that is seeking to adopt. We have been waiting for almost a month now. My first reaction to your question was that I don't really think there would be a big difference. We have a ton of straight couples as friends and we don't really feel any different from them. However, I guess there is a possibility that a heterosexual couple might have a more traditional image of what their family is supposed to be. In our case, that image has never been very specific. We knew that we wanted to become parents through either adoption or surrogacy. When we learned that our child would be able to maintain a relationship with his birthmother, we really liked that. I think because we didn't have a set image of what our family would look like, we are open to create the image with whatever puzzle piece fits. As of now we hope to have both birthparents involved, but who knows what the future holds. So I guess I am saying that gay couples might sometimes be more flexible in some aspects. However, who is to say that all heterosexual couples have their roles defined in the same way and want to look like a traditional family. I like this thread! Please keep it going!

MarkandLeo, I'm sorry I never responded to your comment, I think it makes total sense that hetero couples might not be as tied to a traditional family image, but I do think same sex couples tend to not be, which honestly can be helpful. So the comment earlier about what title to go by has kept creeping back into my life. I never talked about it with my son's Dads, I don't feel too strongly one way or another, there are titles I personally don't like (tummy mommy for instance) and titles I don't think fit my situation (other mother or first mother), but birth mother is fine with me, and just calling me his Mom (or mother) would be fine as well. But what I'm finding weird is they (my son's parents) seem to be evading ever saying any title for me. Like this weekend I met a lot of new people and I wasn't introduced to any of them, they never said, this is J's Mom or Bmom or whatever, they just didn't say anything. It was awkward at points, like who is this person. So now I'm wondering if their insecurity about what to call me is keeping them from calling me anything, and I have no idea what way they are leaning, are they wanting to call me his mom with no qualifier but think that's overstepping, or do they want to call me his birth mother but feel weird about it? I feel like in more traditional families the conversation is more about what qualifier to use, but with this there's an added dimension since there isn't another mother maybe having a qualifier seems weird, but not having one seems like it would be weird too. Or maybe I'm completely overthinking this. Okay, I admit I'm pretty likely overthinking this. :o

In my opinion ~ I would ask very casually and lightly without other people around, "What do you think our son should call me? What would you be comfortable with?" You guys can go back and forth on titles and find something that works and is permanent. This way they know how to introduce you and your son know what to call you. I would keep it light and it might just clear the air.

I saw your thread before, but I didn't reply because I was still waiting and not sure how things might be. My situation is a little different in that it's semi-open (just letters and pics - by their choice). My son's b-dad was very involved, and I like that there is a dad, since there's not in our family. My son is far too little to understand, but when I talk to him about his bithparents I call them his birthmommy and birthdaddy or by their names. On thing I have struggled with is all the people in my life who ask about (or occasionally make assumptions about) his birth family. I want to protect their (and his) privacy, but I don't want him to feel like his story needs to be secret. It surprised me how protective I came to feel of his birthparents - and believe me, they absolutely do not need my protection, they are very strong and capable people. I wonder if your son's dads could be trying to negotiate some of that as well. I tend to be a big fan of direct communication. I'm not sure what your relationship is like with his dads, but could you address it directly with them by saying something like "this situation was weird for me and I wondered what was up?" If they are struggling with something, it could be a relief for them if you open up the conversation.

I have also been thinking about this, especially about calling the birthmom, mom. The only issue I have with that is that people have an image of a mom and I think a birthmom can't fulfill that image. I feel that it puts unnecessary pressure on the bmom because the relationship is different. And, I think it might create expectations in the child, especially when they are elementary school age, since they don't have abstract thinking. They might compare their mom with other kids' moms and realize that their mom isn't there all the time, or things like that. Whereas when there is a different term, it's easier for the child to understand that their situation is just different. Instead of a mom, they have another dad, and then additionally they have (... birthmom or whatever term...) I particularly don't like the term tummy mommy. It takes away a lot AND I would rather have a name or term that the child can use when they are older. I can't see a 30 year old saying, "hey, this is my tummy mommy". On the other had, I really like the term birthmom. I understand that people might see it similar as tummy mommy, like she "just" gave birth to you. But as a gay couple that can't give birth, we see this as something VERY special that we are not able to do for our child. She is your BIRTHMOM!!! So I think I would prefer our child to call their birthmom by her name, or a nickname (kids come up with stuff and save you the work sometimes) and then explain to them that Sarah or Anna or whatever her name is is also his/her birthmom. I'm sure there are also good books that explain how special the birthmom is and what an important role she plays in the child's life. Alright... sorry for rambling!

I completely understand what you mean about protecting them, I definitely have felt that from my son's parents. And especially in person I think they do worry that people will overwhelm me, or that I won't want to talk about something and people will ask questions. That could have a lot to do with it. I am planning to talk to them about it at the next visit, just trying to figure out in my own head how I was feeling...Mostly I don't care how they refer to me, I just want there to be a consistency between how I refer to myself with their family and how they refer to me when I'm not there. I'm so glad you replied on this thread, it's been great to hear from everyone's perspective (both PAP and AP). I completely get where this comes from. The question then becomes when a child is in a classroom and they are making Mother's Day gifts (for instance) is it better for them to have a person who has that title (even if they don't fill the everyday role of a Mom) so they don't feel left out, or is it better since they don't have someone to fill that role that they also don't have someone that fills that title? I don't know if there is a right answer to this, just curious your thoughts. I get this as well. I think since first mom and other mother didn't seem to fit my circumstances AT ALL, I also felt comfortable with birth mom. Secretly I sort of also liked bio mom a lot - but that is only because I think it sounds like a super hero, and I always wanted to be a super hero. :o

I hadn't thought of this before (wonder how many other situations we will face that we never before considered). That would make perfect sense to me. If the relationship between my kid and their birthmom is good, we would possibly just make mother's day birthmother's day. I think it would make more sense to make something for the birthmother than changing it and making something for one of us (when we both probably receive our acknowledgment on fathers' day). So many things to consider...

I am an adoptive mom in a same sex partnership and we have faced ALOT of the above issues. Thanks for all the insight!

My girlfriend and I of 5 years are hoping to adopt her little sister's baby. Long story short her sister is on house arrest and can't afford a baby and my partner and I want it. I have been doing a lot of research on this topic... and if you want more on "my story" it is posted in the relative adoption section. I was thinking of the same situation for a while since it's going to be an open adoption. I would have the child call me "mama" since that is what I have always called my mother... My partner will be known as "Mommy". And the birth mother will be introduced as "mom" or "mother". My situation is a bit more complicated than that. Since the child on her side will have the same family, aunts, grandparents, cousins...ect, he/she will be seeing them all often... holidays, reunions, weddings, parties. My problem is what to call our moms. My niece and nephew call my mom "Nana" which is what she wanted. However, my partner's nieces and nephews also call her mom "Nana". I was trying to think of another name for my mom, but it would be strange to have our child call her something different than his/her's cousins. Maybe we can call them Nana D and Nana S? or Nana (last name). I always called my mom's mom grandma and my dad's mom grandma (last name). Any suggestions?

I had a visit with my son this weekend, he calls both his Dads "Daddy". I asked them if it was ever hard to differentiate who he's talking about (he is still a toddler and not always the most verbally clear), and they said they figure it out. I think that's just true, you figure it out, people can have the same name if that's what a child calls them. I think in the case of grandparents it's even less of a worry, you just refer to them as Nana (last name) when they aren't around or both sets are around and Nana when just one set is around.

YAY...congratz on the visit, I hope that went well! Any clarification or ideas about what they want to call you? Or what they want your/their son to call you?

Well my son is definitely getting to know me by my first name but I'm not sure how they are talking about our relationship with him. I know he's starting to try to figure out why he has two daddies and other people have a Mommy. I don't know if they have started trying to explain any of that and my relationship to him, but I know it's coming soon. I have been thinking of trying to talk to them about it, if nothing else so I won't say the wrong thing on one of our visits, but I haven't broached that subject yet.

UPDATE: My gf's sister found out that the tax-payers will support her and her baby and decided not to let us adopt it. We may be looking into other options, thanks to this thread I have hope that we may be able to adopt someday.

Anon - Even if you don't like welfare or etc., if she can parent and be a good parent, then it's a good thing. Hopefully she'll turn her life around for her child and it'll work out. And hopefully too, you "aunties" will be able to be there for her and your niece/nephew. don't give up hope that you'll be a mom either!:)

I just wanted her to think about what was best for her unborn child, not herself. She is on house arrest waiting for her trial in June, and all she talks about is how she hates being on house arrest. We figure she is 2-3 months pregnant and has not been to a doctor. (In my eyes that is neglect already). Last year she brought home a puppy, and her mom called and asked me to go feed the puppy and let it out to the bathroom every day cause (C) couldn't remember, or was just to lazy to. She has stolen guns from her father, stole money from every job she has ever had, has stolen medicine, cigarettes, Nikon camera, and a psp from her her sister and I. I can not see her being a good parent, although I would never tell her that. It's out of my hands.Now that my gf and I moved out of state we are limited by what we can do to help (although we are the ones that bailed her out of Jail). Which was before we found out she was pregnant.