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I'm at a loss about how to deal with this situation in my own head. I stumbled across a blog by an adoptive mother yesterday, a woman I've had a great deal of respect for...until now. In her blog, she really blasts birth mothers and our motivations for relinquishment. The entry seems to be her reaction to a heated thread we had here on the forums a while back about adoption reform and ethics.
I'm just so unsettled after reading what she *really* thinks about us. No wonder we can't fight the stereotypes---we don't stand a chance, ladies. If people we've personally interacted with for years here on the forums still view us as cold, angry women who've placed our children for adoption simply because we didn't want the responsibility of raising them, there's no way we'll ever be able to have an honest, open dialogue.
I feel like a fool because I've gone to the mat a few times with some of you, telling you guys that we make a difference. I'm just not sure that's true anymore....
Granted, this is only the blog of one adoptive mom who I've interacted with frequently. But I can't help but wonder what they really think of us....
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Raven.... It is very disappointing and discouraging. As well as confusing.
You pointed out that this is one persons thoughts... And for that one person, I have to believe that there are many more who have rejected the stereotypes based on Your voice and the voices of other courageous birthmoms willing to share their experiences.
Stay strong and dont let one person dampen your faith in the possibility for change.
What I find particularly sad... In the big picture... Is not so much what they "really" think of me... But rather how that mentality seeps down into the soul of an adoptee... And I do not see it bringing positive but rather... Unfortunately, adding negative to the adoptees journey.
That breaks my heart.
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I hope to be an amom. If/when our family expands, it will be because of a birth family, and I cannot imagine not feeling such respect and love for them. I have a cousin who was adopted 36 years ago, and we met her birthmom a few years ago. I've never heard anyone in my family say anything negative about her, and my cousin's parents always speak of the gratitude they feel toward her. Also, through my work, I've had the opportunity to work with women who've placed children in the past. I hear their stories of what they went through making these decisions, how they still struggle so many years later with grief and loss...to me, that is a huge part if what being a mother is-making difficult choices and taking on pain in order to make what you feel is the best choice for your child. That should be respected.
Oh, Raven...I'm treading gently here because I don't want to come across like I'm telling you how you should or shouldn't feel. I haven't seen the post you're talking about so I don't know precisely what was said or how it was said and so I can't comment on that. (This is probably a good thing, because I have a bad habit of trying to understand people's motivations for doing/saying what they do, and it invariably ends up getting me into trouble.)
I understand that you're upset about what you read - and probably doubly so since it was written by someone you respect. And I understand why that might make you question question whether anyone "gets it" - even people you've known for years and thought did get it. But I would encourage you not to look at it as a "what they really think of us" thing - even though I understand how that thought process happens.
I know I've told you this before, and I'm sure I'll tell you this again - and I don't think I can say it too many times, because it is a basic truth that is now deeply woven into the fabric of my life: You, and the other first mothers I've known (here and elsewhere), have made a huge difference. You have had a huge impact on my life - because when I sought this place out when G and I were considering adopting, looking to read about the experiences of first mothers and to try to understand as best I could, here you were, so open and willing to discuss your experiences and your feelings and what you thought was right and wrong with the way adoption is done - YOU fundamentally changed me. Before I found you, I had more or less the same flawed understanding of adoption and what it means for everyone involved that we're always raging about seeing in the public at large. YOU gave me the understanding I have today.
Maybe you can't change the world - maybe none of us can. But you have directly impacted at least five lives - mine, my husband's, my childrens', and their first mother's - because what I have learned from you changed how I approached adoption. And I know that you have indirectly impacted many others - people who have asked me about adoption, and what I tell them comes from the perspective I have developed as a result of having known you. I am a better parent to my children, a better friend to their first mother, and a better advocate for ethics and reform in adoption because of what I have learned from you, and I will always be grateful for that.
Firstmom here....read it :grr: :grr: :grr:
Frustrating on so many levels for me...the bloggers computer does not shut-down their "opinion" when they log off...adoptees are living it. Oh, the tangled web!!!
But that's just MY opinion, then again I might just be overly sensitive about adoption issues??? :grr:
Raven, your past efforts have not been lost. Although the message may not have been heard by the intended recipients at the intended time.......many others hear you loud and clear and find great comfort in your song. :grouphug:
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I am an adoptee and an adoptive mother and your posts have given me insight and taught me things in areas I have no experience in. What I have learned from you and the other birthmothers on this site has affected the way I aproach and communicate with my children's birthmother in our semi-open arrangment currently. It has also made me consider taking steps to meet my own birthfamily one day. One thing that was hard for me to do in the beginning of reading these forums was to remember that what one person writes is one person's opinion and does not represent all. I don't know the blog you are referring to, so I can't comment on that, but please know that as an adoptee and a mom through adoption, I believe things have changed for the better in the last few decades, even though there is always room for improvement. And your words have been a major part of that for me. All the best...Kay
Missed the blog; sounds like that was a good thing
Raven - on a personal note, you made a world of difference in my tyhinking as i was going through the adoption process. My interactions with J's mom changed as a result of posts from you
Amom's or not, I have a hard time following any blog. As one who used to blog, i know how easy it is to post in the heat of the moment, without thinking. it sounds like this blogger took a ton o' venom and tossed it in a wide path.
I'm sorry so many people got hurt. please keep doing what you're doing
I have not read the blog either, so I can't speak directly on that. However, I'm sorry to hear that it was hurtful. I have to say for me, listening to first hand accounts from the birthmothers on this site, you Raven included, has impacted me greatly. I never thought poorly of birthparents in the past, but I feel like hearing your experiences has made me a better amom not only for my daughter but also with my daughters birthmother and for that I'm very grateful! I have so much love and respect for her. Please don't let this blog bring you down. It's one persons point of view and like someone else said it could have been written in the heat of the moment.
Keep your head up and know that sharing your heart and experiences DOES make a difference.
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Raven, I'm disappointed that this was the way you chose to discuss my blog. I wish that if you had concerns about it, you had taken the time to also talk to me about them. I don't think progress can be made if we all avoid talking to the people that disagree with us. I thought I knew you better than that. You may not agree with me, but I do take on the challenges and emotions in my life head on, even against the people that disagree with me. I think that is how we can change the world, and more importantly maybe, grow as a person.
That said, I really didn't want to post here or I would have made my initial post here and not on the blog, but several people have e-mailed and PM'd me, so I wanted to let anyone who reads this know I'm aware of the discussion :)
Peace,
Amy
aclee
Raven, I'm disappointed that this was the way you chose to discuss my blog. I wish that if you had concerns about it, you had taken the time to also talk to me about them. I don't think progress can be made if we all avoid talking to the people that disagree with us. I thought I knew you better than that. You may not agree with me, but I do take on the challenges and emotions in my life head on, even against the people that disagree with me. I think that is how we can change the world, and more importantly maybe, grow as a person.
That said, I really didn't want to post here or I would have made my initial post here and not on the blog, but several people have e-mailed and PM'd me, so I wanted to let anyone who reads this know I'm aware of the discussion :)
Peace,
Amy
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Raven - I'm sorry but you know the rules on bringing personal issues between members to the public boards.Regardless of this being a Bparent Support forum, it does not mean it gets to be used as a way to attack another member - named or not. It was clear it was a member and obviously not that difficult to figure out.I'm sorry feelings are hurt but again, it's not for public discussion.It's sad honestly that sides are taken so much on here. Especially when I know what is said and by whom on so many other forums. I think a lot of people really need to take a good look at themselves before casting stones at others.