Jealous? Angry? Maybe she just gives me TMI.

I get that. It's a part of our history that was altered for us, and we can't get it back. Even if we have great relationships with them now, we don't have the memories and background. I hope you find some peace soon.

[FONT=Book Antiqua]Hey Kflie83,[/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]I'm an adoptee, still not blessed with reunion so I can't really say how I'd feel in your situation. However, your post struck a chord with me because I've experienced similar feelings.[/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]My story is that I've been living far away from my mother, for over a decade, and have missed out on so many family-oriented things.....birthdays, holidays, etc. [/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]I'm sure my mother felt that emptiness as well because she did what most human beings would do - she filled up the empty spaces, that I left behind, with others. [/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]At first it made me jealous to always hear about how precious the neighbor children were to her (because she has Grandsons who've grown up without her) or to hear about her young friends at church who she calls her "other adopted daughters" that have filled those needs I was too far away to fill.[/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]I gave it alot of thought......about that void my absence left behind......[/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]and I realized that I can't change the choices I've made. I can change what I choose to feel though - and I can change what I tell myself.[/FONT] [FONT=Book Antiqua]I know it hurts. It hurts anytime we realize how well life can go on without us. Those are truly some of the feelings we will have to process when we face our own mortality. The thought of it hurts the ego. [/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]Sometimes, just the thought that everything would be fine if I wasn't in the picture hurts. I can't say that these are your feelings but they have certainly been mine. [/FONT] [FONT=Book Antiqua]Well, I had a change of heart about my jealousy - about cultivating a negative vibe.[/FONT] [FONT=Book Antiqua]Instead, I've been determined to recognize and be thankful for every time "love" has been expressed to her - because that's what it is - just love. It didn't come to her through me, but I am so blessed that my mother felt it and that she's had ways of filling that void. I can point to it and say, this is a good thing. She's been able to enjoy our neighbor's kids dressed up on Halloween. She's had a kind and loving family to dine with on Thanksgiving. The truth is there, if I'm looking for it. The honest truth? I'm terrified to fly, so I won't and her perspective is she's elderly and every time she's visited me, she's gotten massive sinus infections. The truth is understandable and the little insecurities that do pop up can be honestly dealt with through our own positive affirmations. I'm wishing for you massive amounts of positivity and the ability to believe the best.[/FONT] [FONT=Book Antiqua]As an adoptee, I have regretted the things I might've missed through not knowing my genetic family. [/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]As an adopted daughter, I can see all the things I've missed out on just from living so far away.[/FONT] [FONT=Book Antiqua]You can change how you perceive things - you can mull it over in your own mind and say, "maybe she doesn't want me to have any regrets so she's letting me know that she's o.k. and filling her life up with as many causes to rejoice as she can find." Maybe she wants you to feel more connected to the family, so she willingly shares their anecdotes, traditions and news so you will feel more connected.[/FONT] [FONT=Book Antiqua]My reply to your vent - I know it's hard (anything worth having usually is) but try your best not to doubt. Life has been trying to teach me that faith can move mountains, where as doubt only seems to fuel more doubts. It's like some toxic disease that only produces misery in our lives. It's dark, it's negative and it doesn't come from the good side.[/FONT] [FONT=Book Antiqua]So, do your best. That's all we can expect out of ourselves - our best try. When those feelings come and try to rip up those happy flowers you've tried to plant in your life, then you just be all the more determined to plant some more through what you're telling yourself.[/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]If you should fail in this endeavor, then welcome to the club. I've been there myself, too many times to count.[/FONT] [FONT=Book Antiqua]You've already figured out that you don't want those angry feelings. Close the bag of fertilizer and figure out what you need to tell yourself.....and be all the more determined to seek higher ground.....[/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]It sounds like you're very much in the loop concerning your family's life. Thank God. It could be worse - you could still be sucking on the lemon of never knowing where you came from.....[/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]and trying daily to convince yourself that if it was meant to be, it will be......[/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]Peace, [/FONT][FONT=Book Antiqua]Songbird[/FONT] :hippie:

If you have typically craved all the information from her, she probably thinks you still want to hear all of the happenings in her life. Although you missed out on these traditions, can you be part of them now? Even in a small way?? Even though you feel angry, it might help to remind yourself that your birth mother didn't maliciously take these things from you, or intend to hurt you, and that she couldn't have known down the line how her life would play out or know of all the things you would not be a part of as a result of her decision to place you for adoption. I'm sure you would not want her to have a bad life, either, where she did not have any close family or other people she cares about. Are you able to talk to a counselor about your feelings of anger and work through them? I know this is not easy, and it is a terrible loss, but you cannot change the past. The previous poster has some wise words. You can focus on what you missed out on, and be upset about that and have resentment and anger in your heart (which ultimately is hurting you the most), or you can try to look to the present and future. Is there any way you can be a part of the family traditions moving forward? Do you think in the meantime, you can tell your birth mother how you've been feeling? Maybe if the two of you talk this over, it can help you release some of the anger. Maybe you need for your birth mom to "tone it down" a bit when talking about the family closeness and such, and if you let her know you feel very left out having missed out on all that, you can together work on ways for you to feel more included in the present.

Songbird, that was beautiful!

Have you shared that with her? I know it's hard. I know exactly how you are feeling. I get angry too. My birth mother carries so much I don't know what shame maybe or guilt that she sometimes isolates me from her family to of all things protect them...can you imagine? She projects he feelings on her family...it's outrageous to me but I don't walk in her shoes. I recognize her right to do so but sometimes it infringes on our rights...her families and mine. It's nuts.