Heartbroken, depressed. Id rather be the tin man.

I see that there have been a lot of "views" of your post, but no replies. Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're feeling such pain - and I'm sorry Carson's parents have left you hanging this way. People saying not to jump to conclusions is probably true (and those people are probably trying to protect your feelings), but you're going to feel what you feel. Again, I'm just sorry you're going through this. (((hugs)))

If they don't ask you please do not assume it is because they don't want you there. They may feel it will be too hard for you or maybe they have relatives that are not quite so open and they are trying to protect you. (Not that I agree with this line of thinking) They may just need more time to think it over. Or they may be getting pressure from family and friends. Unfortunately this happens. I know this is hard. And yes, for birthparents who have given so much, a few moments at special events seems so little to ask in return. Did you talk about what openness would look like? My heart is with you. I have so been there.

I am an adoptive parent in a very open adoption, so I hope you don't mind if I pop in here. Our daughter just turned One, and I wanted her first mom to be at the party, but our families just werent ready for it yet. I wanted our FM to be comfortable and relaxed and feel part of the family, but because of family opinion I knew it wouldnt happen. I decided not to invite her, but we had a visit right around her birthday. Our DD's firstmom and I had lengthly emails and heart to hearts so she knows I want her there and she knows how I feel. I told her why I didnt have her come to the party, and she understood. I just made sure to make up for it in other ways, I made a video for her, we had an extra long visit, stuff like that. I obviously have no idea what it's like to be a first mom or experience emotions from that end. I just know from experience that we would love for her to come to everything with us, but I'm not willing to put her with our family who don't fully understand open adoption. I'm not willing for her to experience hurt because of our families ignorance. Here's a hug for you and I hope that they invite you and you can see and snuggle your little one for a while. ETA: I have found for me, that I am extremely protective of our DD's first mama. I probably should let her decide on her own if she's willing to deal with negative opinion, but she's experienced enough hurt I don't want her to hurt because other people just don't understand.

It sounds as if you are so disappointed and also personally hurt. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. That would be hard enough. You have released your child to the world, and being excluded at times is one of the outcomes. Baptism is, I would guess, still pretty early days in this new reality, when feelings are still very raw and the hurt may be growing, not lessening. For them, it is also a time when they are feeling their way into the very new and very overwhelming experience of becoming a family, figuring out who fits where and how much intimacy different people in their and their son's lives feels comfortable at this time, which is tender enough in the life of any family built through adoption or not. And so it is even harder when the pain of realizing your exclusion and separteness hooks on to something like what you've said here. These are the seeds of bitterness, of denied entitlement, of broken unspoken contracts that did not ever exist. And you are letting them grow into positions and behaviors that will hurt your birthson and yourself. Really you know you did not "let them have so much lee-way." What you did was to choose before your birthson was born to allow him to begin to build a bond with the future parents you chose for him. You did this for his well being, not their pleasure or to build some kind of credit with them for yourself. Those would not be valid reasons. Don't look for those things in that act now or it will only lead to more pain for him and for you. I don't know why they haven't gotten back to you. I am sure it is hard and heart breaking to not be a part of everything in your birthson's life. The parts you will get to be a part of will be very important to him as he grows. If you feel better because of them, that's a bonus. If his parents grow in love because of them, that's a bonus. And so I would urge you, as hard as it is now, to sort your feelings of pain and grief over the separation from him and his life away from these expressions of it in resentment and anger toward his parents. They did not separate you from him; the anger over that does not belong to them. Your pain and grief are very real and coming from very real places; you have a right to them and to work through them as you need to to get to a healthy place if you can. As you do, please remember that your birthson will grow into being a part of his parents; anger and resentment toward them will eventually include him in some way. Actually, it already has as you have already stated that you will withold yourself from him because of bitterness toward his parents even if they give you an invitation. It is natural to feel anger when hurting, and so it is hard to let it go, especially when you are still hurting, but, really, it is not their fault or his that this situation, predictable as it is, has arisen. Given that there may be more similar to this in the future and you don't want to live a life stuck in bitterness and resentment that builds a wall between you and your birthson, I would try to find a way to vent it out and let go of the anger and resentment, which don't belong to them or him. Prayer, meditation, excercise, talking with a good listening friend, therapy,...there are many paths through grief. When anger is a vent for hurt, a phase within the grief process through which we pass or which even propels us to change, it can be very useful and beneficial. When it hits a false target and allows us to block what is painful in bitterness and resentment, when we get stuck there and build walls, it destroys us. There is a bigger picture. In that bigger picture, I truly believe that if an invitation is extended and you turn it down, you will regret that. But if you go for him, then no matter what happens, you won't. If there is no invitation, for whatever reasons, short sighted or well thought through or not, then again the thing he and you will cherish later will be some affirmation from you--a card, silver memento, whatever, even the simple act of not reacting with anger toward his parents but continuing to build trust with them for him and his benefit. There are many others here who've been where you are. They will support you in your feelings, as we all should. Seek out those who have come through to a positive place, affirming their pain while celebrating their child. They are here for you. Peace, H

I just wanted to say I am sorry and offer some support.

I think they at least owe you an answer, just because they said they would get back to you. I might be inclined to call and ask what their final decision is, because you don't want to be on pins and needles. I know it's the holidays, and people are busy. Maybe the time got away from them and you will hear from them soon with a definite answer. If not, you could give a call and ask, but I know this is not easy to have to be the one to keep asking. Sorry you are going through this. I agree, though, that if they DO invite you, you should go. To not go seems to me like you would be "cutting off your nose to spite your face." I realize you are upset, but don't let your anger take away something that you know you really want.

Thank you all for your replys and support- J decided it would be "fine if I went" I'm not really sure how I should take that, but I'm going to suck it up and go. I'm not going for them, I'm going for my baby. I'll let you know how it goes...:\

I wouldn't second-guess it or even try to pick it apart. He says it's fine if you go, so just take it that way with good intentions. I'm glad you will get to see your son being baptized!