Not Knowing

My sad little post is the only one with a single reply so I am replying myself. ;) Is not knowing the race of the birthfather really THAT unusual? :(

I don't know how common it is or isn't. I know in my instance I don't know the race of the biodad. I do know he is at least part AA. He always identified himself as AA, and looked AA, but once told me his Dad was of German and English decent (I wish four years later I would have thought to take note of what exactly he said as it's my only clue as to the makeup of my son). I never knew whether his dad was CC, or BR, or what. I told the aparents I wasn't sure but thought he was biracial. I think the biodad may contact me again and it's one of the main things I want to try to find out (that and medical history), but it's a really touchy thing with him. I feel as the birthmom I somehow failed because I didn't have those answers for the aparents. I have found it frustrating for me. My experience is much less extreme, we basically know what races he is, just not the amounts of each one. I sort of have assumed he is 1/2CC and 1/2 AA because our son has blue eyes but that's just my putting a broad assumption on it. I will say though that I know many people who are bi-racial and yet don't really define themselves as the races that make up who they are. My roommate for example (who is 1/2 AA, 1/4 hispanic, 1/4 CC) won't ever tell people "what she is". When they ask (which is quite a lot) she usually says, oh I was born in Colorado, or I'm American. I realize it's a different deal when you have to react that way not because of choice but because you don't actually know. How old is your daughter? Is she old enough to have dealt with any of that yet?

You could do one of those DNA ancestry projects. They cost a couple of hundred dollars each person. Perhaps in a few years, it will be a lot cheaper. If you had enough money, you could all do it, it might be fun knowing what is in your own background. I have attached a link to one of the projects (I don't know how many companies do them). Other people might be able to tell you if they are worthwhile. I wouldn't mind doing one myself sometime, particularly the paternal lineage one, as I have no idea who my bfather is. [url=http://www.dnaancestryproject.com/ydna_intro_about.php]About Genetic Genealogy - DNA Ancestry Project[/url] What other people think of the tests. [url=http://www.lifemapdna.com/has-anyone-taken-the-dna-ancestry-project-by-gene-base-can-anyone-give-me-any-details.html]has anyone taken the DNA ancestry project by gene base? can anyone give me any details?[/url]

When our DD was placed with us, her first mom wasn't entirely sure who first dad was either. At first, we didn't care, but then time went on, and we started to get sad that we couldn't tell Cam what her make-up is. We thought we'd do the testing like Cath suggested, but after some research into it, realized it wouldn't tell us what we were looking for. Cam's first mom is 1/2 Hispanic and 1/2 Caucasian. First dad possibles were: Hispanic, Caucasian, and AA (Moroccan). The older Cam gets, we suspect, as does first mom that the third possibility is her first dad. Fmom has four boys with the AA man, and she sent pictures of the boys: Cam is the spitting image of all four of them. I am surprised that I am not still bothered by not knowing for sure. I am extremely Type A, and I hate loose ends. :arrow: I know we will revisit the issue in the future, taking Cam's lead. We have only gotten one letter from fmom, but hope to hear more over the years. If you've met your little one's first mom many times, would you feel comfortable asking who she thinks is the fdad? Who does she resemble? You know, questions of that sort?

Hey scrapmonkey! I just wanted to comment that I totally get what you are saying. Maybe doing the DNA test would help a little.. we are thinking of doing one on my son as well. I just can't decide which company to go with. There are quite a few options. Even if you get the test it doesn't tell you for sure though so you are still left questioning! What if you borrowed a sample from one of fmom's other kids? Paternity tests are at least easy at least! :-)

Thanks, guys! Mom has other kids with other men but she has a history of prostitution so we really will never know who the biological father is. The baby is just 10 months so it's nothing that concerns her now but I guess I am anticipating her questions and feelings... which may or may not ever come. But while we were open to race, we ended up with CC kids and she is a different shade of adorable than the other kids. We have been researching the DNA stuff but they don't get very specific about race, more abstract about your roots. Maybe the tests will get better, who knows. Thanks for the feedback, I guess it's just good to know it's not a stupid concern. :o

Scrapmonkey - even though I am obviously CC I was always interested in finding out what nationality or nationalities were in my makeup...I think that is a very common curiousity in any individual whether they realize it our not simply because many already know... I still only know 50% of the nationalities in my makeup but when the 1940 census comes out in 2012 I will finally be able to complete the picture... Kind regards,Dickons

We do not know for Matty's birthfather. In fact until recently apparently my mother in law thought Matty was 1/2 hispanic. No idea where she picked that up from.

I think you just tell her, "we don't know much about your birthdad." Or you come up with an answer you are going to stick with. "Your biomom thinks your biodad was 1/2 Asian." Or it may become more obvious as she gets older. I have a CC/Korean friend who looks similar to your DD in coloring and physical attributes. That's my best guess.

I think to some extent it is worth reminding yourself, and eventually an older adopted child dealing with these issues, that many people, regardless of skin color, don't know their racial and ethnic background. I am CC American and so I have only very sketchy ideas and those are all mostly heresay and likely not to be particularly accurate. I have worried some, given that my daughter is so light, that she might be only part-Romani, rather than full Romani, as we were told by the SWs. Most Roma I know also tell me that it is useless to say she is Romani, if I don't know what clan or group. I did a little deduction. Given how light she is, she could well be from one of the groups that have been longest in the Bohemian area. But then some other paperwork clues made me suspect she is from a Slovak group. So, short of finding the birth family, we'll probably never know. And she may well have other background as well. So, I think, if I can't find out any more than that, I will tell her that as far as I know she is Romani or at least has a lot of Romani background, and that is more than I can say for myself. It is something I have always been curious about but our family is such a mishmash, that there isn't really even enough to do one of those heritage searches European Americans are always coming over here to do.

Thanks fo rthe replies, all. Really!! <3 Jen, the CW thinks maybe part Asian, too, but I don't see it. We played "Guess the Baby's Race" when we were first placed with Baby Girl (there was no parental involvement for 3 months so we had NO CLUE). This time, knowing she'll be our daughter, the not knowing feels a little more... unsettling. I think we parents want to take away all the hurts our kids have, even the perceived hurts or the potential hurts. Thanks, everyone!!

My friend is from a very (very!) light-skinned AA family. They have AA, caucasian (possibly 7/8) and Native. She has done a ton of geneology (sp?) research, because she simply didn't know her family's history. At any rate, she says her mom told her, "You're the United Nations, baby!" I loved that idea. I think an identity that makes her a "citizen of the world", a "wonderful blend", a "wonderful you"... something like that? I have 3 adopted cousins, so I've BTDT as far as having relatives who're related to us by what I call "choice love" vs biology.

DD's bmom is CC (and I have a "breakdown" of the ethnicities she is) and bdad is a light/medium skinned black man. His mom was biracial (CC/AA) and he was told that his dad (whom he did not know) was AA. Recently he discovered that his "dad" was not his "dad" and he "thinks" his dad is Cape Verdean. So we may not ever know exactly. I realize for us it's easier since DH's bdad identifies as a black man and you have a real case of "unknown." As a kid, I was always sort of fascinated about learning about the Irish, etc. (I am mostly Irish-American). So I can see wanting to know for your DD. Maybe the DNA test as someone suggested? I don't know how exact/accurate/expensive they are. GL! PS: My SIL still "insists" that DD "looks" Polynesian. I think there are probably 4 Polynesian people in Massachusetts. Very annoying!

Ancestry by DNA will do a racial breakdown into 4 categories. Asian, African, European and Indigeneous. You won't know exactly what a child gets from each parent but you will know what that child's particular racial mixture is. I did this test on myself on my DD. My DD is African, Asian and European which is exactly what her Bmom told us. The funny thing is she has more african ancestry than I do. It's a fascinating test and really showed me how random what you get from your ancestors can be. DD has a living relative and received less of that racial mixture when compared to what I got from long dead ancestors. As far as not knowing is concerned... it is driving me crazy not knowing anything about my DD's father. Her bmom left the entire page about him blank... That's what prompted the testing. I came out knowing absolutely nothing about the father. What I did learn is DD's racial makeup so she will know something.