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Over the festive season, friends of ours called us up and begged us to take their daughter. She is 13 months old. We have two bio sons aged 3 and 9 months. My husband and I discussed it and agreed to adopt the little girl - we offered foster care at first, but they were adament we should adopt her. It's like the FM couldn't get her to us fast enough. Monday, they signed custody papers and she came home with us.
I have so many emotions and I don't know how to deal with them. I'm surrounded by negative people, all are telling me I'll never love her as much as my own. Our nanny also made it clear she won't accept our daughter. She comes from a culture that doesn't accept adoption and look down on adopted children. I don't even know how to begin approaching that particular problem.
It also happened very suddenly, so my DH and I didn't have time to prepare or get used to the idea. We also didn't go through the traditional channels of adoption, so we received no counseling to help us.
I feel guilty towards my sons, because now they have to share me with a new little girl they don't know. I admit, when my second was born I felt guilty towards my oldest too, so I'm familiar with this emotion, and know it won't last.
She's a sweet little girl, she's always smiling ... so friendly and trusting of me already. Which is surprising, seeing as how she only met me yesterday. But with everything going on, I can't help but wonder if we're making the right decision. On the one hand, I want to stop the adoption process and on the other hand I want to keep her. I don't know if these feelings are normal, and I have no one to ask. I can't talk to my family, because they'll just say "we told you so". I don't have any connection to her, and don't think of myself as her mommy. It doesn't help that the birth mom keeps contacting me and asking me how we're coping and how she's doing.
My bio sons and soon to be daughter seem to be adapting well to each other. Although the oldest is still very protective of his younger brother and 'protects him against' her. Like today, when she grabbed one of the baby's toys, my DS took it back and said it's not hers, but his brothers.
If anyone can offer me some advice and/or support I'd really appreciate it. It's strange, but I kinda feel like a new mom who just gave birth. I'm very emotional and weepy (almost like post partum depression). I know, in my heart, that we're doing the right thing - but that doesn't stop the doubts at all. Some support from my family and friends will go a long way to help us adapt too.
I know this is long, so I will end here. Please don't judge me, I want to know how I can give our future daughter the best possible life and all the love we can give her, and how we all can become a happy, well-adjusted family. It's not just about us by any means. I just know that if we can't work through this, she may spend the rest of her life thinking she's unloved and unwanted/
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The adjustment period is normal. You will want to contact a lawyer and make sure everything is done legally. You don't want the mom to decide she has had a break and wants her back and then give her to you again when she gets tired of parenting only to take her back again. The yo yo game is not good for any of you. The nanny, I suggest looking for a new one, because her attitude will rub off on the kids and your daughter will feel it and your son will also pick up on it and have more trouble accepting her. That she accepted you so quickly could be a sign of attachment issues, you will want to do some research on that, though I know with three little ones it will be hard. Your family may or may not come around. My husband's family was against each of our adoptions, but they now love our adopted kids the same as they love my bio kids. If they don't, then you will have some decisions to make about how much time they spend around your kids. But, give them time to get used to the idea and get to know her first. As for me, I do love them all the same. Right now though, I think that because it was so sudden for you, it will take your heart some time to beleive it's real. You will in time love her as much as your son's and I think you will enjoy having a little girl, I adopted my daughter after two boys and all the little girl clothes and stuff are so much fun!Congratulations!!!!
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First things first - do you have a lawyer to make sure this is done legally? If not, you need one.That being said, she's been in your house for just a few days, right? Don't feel bad for not feeling like her mom. There's a "fake it until you make it" mentality that you will need to have. Your life has been turned upside down, and so has hers. You said she seems happy. Be aware that can change. She's been through some trauma with such an abrupt change. She may transition smoothly, or you may see behaviors emerge after days/weeks/months. My youngest is just 2 months older, and I can't imagine how traumatized he would be in that situation.Spend some time researching attachment in toddlers. I always refer people to [URL="http://www.a4everfamily.org/"]A4EverFamily[/URL]'s site.You sound in shock, and I think that's normal. I would be, too.
It sounds like you weren't even thinking about adoption prior this happening. . .is that correct? For me, the process gave me time to think through things and face a lot of emotions--looking for agencies, completing the homestudy, talking with others who've adopted, participating on this forum--we've had weeks/months to decide what's important to us, how to prepare our families, how to handle those who might not be supportive. You, on the otherhand, have only been dealing with this for hours. . . of course you're feeling confused and overwhelmed with feelings. I'd be surprised if you weren't. And please try not to beat yourself up for not having a connection yet. You didn't even have the time to fall in love with the idea of a new baby/toddler, much less the reality of one. And no one else can tell you how you will feel. . .I have friends who have bio and adopted, and they love them just as much. . .even my friends who have multiple bio kids say they love each of them differently but just as much. . .
You've gotten some good advice from the pps. DEFINITELY see an attorney to make sure everything is in order, and take some time to talk with your husband about where you go from here. Give yourself the okay to have mixed emotions (and enjoy the happy ones!) learn as much as you can (this is a great group of folks to direct you to information you may need) and good luck!
Wow, you were just thrown right into the deep-end, huh? Relax. Everything you wrote is NORMAL. We knew we were adopting, and it still took me a good three to four months to feel a real connection to my DD.
I agree with the others...GET A LAWYER. Do everything by the book, because that kid's life has been turned upside down once, it will definitely traumatize her to have to lose you guys if the first parents decide to pop back up and want her back.
Fire the nanny. Sounds harsh, but if she is TELLING you she won't accept your new child, then she won't. No baby should have to be around any caregiver that doesn't love them and respect them as part of the family.
Give your family and friends time to breathe too. It's a scary proposition to many to instantly have a toddler, out of fear and ignorance, they are thinking in YOUR best interests. If not, like PP said, you will have some hard decisions to make.
I also recommend looking into some attachment books/sites. My best friend did a surprise adoption over the summer for her DH's great nieces. The girls were 1.5 and 2.5 at the time of placement. The 2.5 year old has some attachment issues. It's likely she never fully attached to anyone as a baby, and is having issues now. The 1.5 year old is fine, because the fmom took up living with a family when the little one was born, and those people practically raised her to toddler-hood. The 2.5 year old will go to ANYONE, and called me Mommy for a few months. It's sad to watch, because my friends don't think it's a problem. Breaks my heart, because that kid is going to have some major problems coming her way, and so are her new parents. :(
Sounds like your boys will adjust fine. Your older boy is acting typically for his age, and will get used to having a little sister. :) Like another PP said "fake it til you make it". Your love and connection will come. If you need to, seek out a therapist. Mine has helped me tremendously.
Best wishes to you and your family! Keep us posted on how things are going!
Thank you everyone. We do have a lawyer, we saw him yesterday morning. We both insisted that it's done by the book right from the start. I read up on toddler attachment a bit today (in between running after three kids), and it seems that she may have some attachment issues. I noticed that she'll go to anyone who gives her the slightest bit of attention, but at the same time she really resists cuddles. Also, when she starts to get overwhelmed she wants to go into her crib - I think she feels safe there. Her history isn't good ... although her mommy married the man she calls dad, he's not her bio dad and her mommy left him often to go shack up with other men. So she has had a lot of caregivers in her short life.Even so, she does seem to miss her mommy. She cries in her sleep, and last night when I picked her up to comfort her she tried to push me away. Today, she was less resistant. She threw up after she had her milk and she let me cuddle her until she felt better. I have a lot to learn, and my husband and I have decided to get help with the process. We definitely don't have the skills to deal with an adoptive baby just yet. I have strong instincts, but this is an entirely different ballgame.DH also decided to have a word with our nanny ... basically he told her to shape up or ship out. I do think that children can feel when they're not loved or wanted though, so we're keeping a very open mind as to whether or not we're going to keep her in our employ. The family will hopefully come around ... it must have been a shock to them too. Being right in the middle of it, I can fully understand how they must be feeling, but they could have hidden it for my sake. I so desperately want to talk to my mom, but I can't because she'll just be negative - so for now I'm avoiding her for the sake of everyone's sanity.Thanks again everyone ... I'm glad I found the site. I think we're going to need all the help and support we can get. Perphaps I'll be able to return the favor in the future for someone who are in our shoes.
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Thank you ... I'm still trying to find my way around the site ... when the kids are sleeping, I do a lot of reading until the early hours of the morning! I'm tired, but feel better now that I'm starting to understand all this 'stuff'.
She's bonding herself to me, but she's absolutely terrified of my husband - I don't know why, because he's a real softy. I'm wondering if she might have had a bad experience with a man? There has been so many already. She's okay with him while I'm around, but she won't be alone with him. We also found some cigarette burns on her body - no old scars or marks to show other abuse though.
I'll take her to the doctor on Tuesday (Monday we have our first meeting with the lawyers) for a check up. I'm definitely afraid the case worker who'll be visiting us will think we're the ones responsible for the abuse.
I'll look around the site and find a more 'appropriate' forum to post my questions.
Celice
Thank you ... I'm still trying to find my way around the site ... when the kids are sleeping, I do a lot of reading until the early hours of the morning! I'm tired, but feel better now that I'm starting to understand all this 'stuff'.
She's bonding herself to me, but she's absolutely terrified of my husband - I don't know why, because he's a real softy. I'm wondering if she might have had a bad experience with a man? There has been so many already. She's okay with him while I'm around, but she won't be alone with him. We also found some cigarette burns on her body - no old scars or marks to show other abuse though.
I'll take her to the doctor on Tuesday (Monday we have our first meeting with the lawyers) for a check up. I'm definitely afraid the case worker who'll be visiting us will think we're the ones responsible for the abuse.
I'll look around the site and find a more 'appropriate' forum to post my questions.
Hi Cecile! I am SO glad that I saw your response! I JUST finished having a chat with my son, which is why I decided to join a support group. Our situations are different, but they are similiar too. We adopted him 18 years ago, and I tell you, I should have joined a group or something then, because to me, it IS different. I have 2 biological girls, and I'm serious it is VERY different. I don't know how to explain it...I mean I love him, but it's very different. He knows it too because he says I treat him different. I have prayed and tried very hard to 'see' him as my biological son but I can't. Should I even try to do that????? I just need people to talk to because it's hard and I know he feels I don't love him :(
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