Obligations in open adoption

As a pap, I would think it would be easier to know from a first mom what sort of information she wants. . .I bet a lot of aparents are just as nervous about what they say to you as you are about what you ask/say to them. Milestones for instance, maybe they're not sure if that's something you want to hear about or if it would make you feel sad. . .texting/emailing/calling on Christmas. . .I could see myself worrying that a call/text/email from me on the day of might make the holidays harder . . .all this to say they may be just as unsure about what to do as you are, and your telling them what you would like to hear/know may be a relief. Good luck!

as an amom I would always want to know if there is something more you want out of our relationship. Believe me when I say as an adoptive mom I think about our bmom everyday and I'm sure that is the case in your adoption. I mean how could we not as an adoptive parent and look at a beautiful child and not think of your bmom! Be honest and heartfelt with your son's aparents and hoepfully this will only make relatioship stronger! Much love to you!

The timing of this thread hit me at the very worst time. I sat on my reply for a day as I don't want to take my OA out on an innocent victim By all means ask for what you want. But please be prepared to take "no" or a yes, that doesn't follow through. From at AP's perspective, they are (I assume) first time parents for a 7 month old. They're lives revolve around caring for that child day and night. They have zero free minutes for coffee, let alone a trip to the post office. While I understand your desire to be in this child's life.. to see all the milestones live.. it might not be possible for them to commit more than they have Full disclosure.. and why I sound like such a wench.. My DD's mom kissed xmas entirely. Then she shows up on New years even demanding I let her speak to me on the phone regarding J's "family" (like we're not family, but whatever). No "How did J enjoy xmas?" no "How's my girl?" After a year, she's gotten in the habit of contacting me when she wants something. Never at other times. It can be exhausting when I'm already stressed learning to balance girl scouts, gymnastics, making dinner after working all day, and trying to convide DD that coloring is better than playing "puppy" Our case is different in that DD came out of foster care, she's older, and her mom has a mental illness and substance abuse issues. But the common theme - first time, first year parents are often overwhelmed.

Racilious, do you have an agreement with your son's aparents? I'm just wondering if they are following the agreement and have no idea that you want something different? To be honest, I am a really flaky person...for example, my sister is always mad at me because I don't send her her goddaughter's (my DD's) school pix, etc. I tend to follow our OA which calls for written updates/pix quarterly and then occasionally I'll think of something that happened that I want to share with DD's bmom and email her. (we tend to email, not talk on the phone a lot). i also don't mean to sound like a jerk, but with a seven or eight month old, seemingly every day there's a new milestone. it may be cutting a tooth, or starting new solids, or starting to crawl or whatever. so i would tend to just put all of the "developments" since the last time in an update. I don't think it's bad to ask, but I guess I would say not to be disappointed if it's not exactly how you want it to be. If you believe they care and are trying, I think I would try to "build" on that. Also, I think the first months/early years of an OA are really tough ....just trying to figure out boundaries, etc. Good luck!!

Oh, girl - don't EVEN get me started... :grr:

I actually think that's part of my problem right there. We don't do any formal update (yearly or quarterly). Our agreement is we would have an open adoption through emails, sending pictures, phone calls, and visits. The only thing specified were at least two visits a year. Since it was so loosy goosy in many ways we've done really well, they send lots of pictures, and we've had a few visits. But my problem is I never get any real updates. And honestly at the visits I am so focused on spending time with him I don't really remember to ask about some of what he's been doing or what he's accomplished. So I have no idea things happen unless they happen to be noticeable during the visit. I found out during my fourth visit that he actually could crawl during my third visit three months earlier but they forgot to tell me then, and it wasn't mentioned during emails in the following three months. In retrospect I guess it's not a huge deal and I can brush it off, I just fear if I feel this disconnected at times now what will happen if I move (which is a good possibility) and don't have an opportunity to see him as often? The other part is I really don't mind if things continue this way, but there's a few things that just sort of hurt at times. Not hearing anything from December 10th on (it was his first Christmas and I didn't even know whether he was traveling or home), just made the holidays a little harder. I feel like they are the kind of people that wouldn't want that, so I'd like to tell them so they don't hurt me unintentionally, but I don't want them to either feel guilty or obligated. In reality I am grateful for our relationship, but I'm just trying to figure out when to let things go and when to speak up. You guys rock for all your insights, thanks!

R, that does sound tough in some ways....in some ways it is great for a relationship to grow "organically," but I think sometimes it's nice to have schedules, etc. just so you aren't left wondering. I wonder if either A) you could ask about whether they could write an update every month (and of course email/text inbetween) or every few months or B) start asking some more "pointed" questions....what kind of food does baby like? what's his favorite toy, etc.? just stuff that you'd really like to know. You sound like you have a really good relationship and i hope it continues to grow.

Hi R :) I definitely feel for you because I've been there. When I started keeping contact with my DD's a-mom, I found myself thinking similar thoughts. I didn't really know what to expect, when we had an OA back when DD was born, we never had any parameters, and I was super young. This time around, I went into the relationship figuring that it was an open door, and as long as I didn't overwhelm or cross boundaries, I'd be OK. I treated her like I'd treat any other close friend/family member, and I was surprised when it wasn't reciprocated. It's been 4 years and I've always acknowledged every important event/holiday (x-mas, her birthday, DD's birthday, graduation, Mother's Day etc) and she's very rarely done the same. She has never wished me a Happy Birthday (and I know she knows when it is!), and I've never made the Christmas Card list. I never understood it, I mean, you are sending X mas cards out anyway, what's one more? It used to hurt a lot, but I realized that her mom is a flake, and she really didn't have a clue as to how important it was to me to be consistant and present. As a result, I've always tried to set the example in my communication with DD's mom. If I wanted to hear from her on DD's birthday, I'd send her a message about how important and special this day means to all of us, and I'd do it every year. Sometimes she answered, sometimes she wouldnt, but there was never any question that I was open to hearing from her on those times that might be considered difficult. The other thing I made a habit of doing is asking about things I wanted to know. If I wanted to know how DD was doing in school, I asked. I also made sure I shared too, I would talk about my summer plans and ask about theirs. Again, my DD's a-mom was a flake, so sometimes she answered and sometimes she didn't. It was really hard for me to come to terms with the way things were, but I could rest my head at night knowing that I did the best I could to maintain and open and healthy relationship. As the parent of an 11 month old, I can tell you that I don't think to tell everyone about every milestone whenever it happens. I'll be on the phone with my best friend and won't remember that I never told her about DD's first word unless it comes up in conversation. It's not that I'm busy, or that I'm sleep deprived, because despite that, I still make a concerted effort to keep as many people as I can in the loop. I sometimes can't keep track of who I told and who doesn't know, lol ;) It's a lame excuse, but like Loveajax said, at that age it's every other day that they hit a milestone. My DD started eating finger foods, using a sippy cup, clapping on command, taking steps, and babbling non stop all over X mas vacation (and I still think I'm forgetting to tell you guys something else she learned!) It's still a learning process for both of you, and I'm going to gather they are feeling their way through this too! Remember there are ways to assert how you feel without being "assertive" kwim? It takes two to have a relationship, and you are a part of it as well! Just go with the flow, guide them as best as you can, and try to enjoy what you have rather than think of what's missing. I think you will eventually be on the same page!

I think I just found a new mantra. Now I just need to figure out how to do that ;) Thanks again for all your advice! It's helped a lot

I agree, as an amom myself, I have found that if I do not write down certain mile stones or big events or even some funny little thing my daughter said, I sometimes forget, especially when I am writing her bmom an update and gathering a couple months worth of pictures. I would totally ask your child's aparents about specific milesontes, as this will trigger their memory and will let them know that you do care to hear even about the details. Good luck.

Hi. Wanted you to hear this from an A-mom. I LOVE my son's B-mom. We have a very unique relationship and it was a somewhat unique adoption. We met our son when he was 8 months and didn't adopt him until he was 11 months. Long story short is that his bmom andI I talked or texted every single day for months while she was still parenting him. At 1 point I didn't think we'd ever adopt him due to lots of legal drama (not on her end) but I just wanted to help her in any way I could, and I became a "mother" figure to her. Just wanted to paint that picture of how close we are. When we did finally adopt him there was lots of talking and texting and visits in the 1st 2 months. But then it got to a point where it wasn't good for her according to people and experts close to her to have this constant contact. She was obviously grieving and seeing pictures or talking to me, etc were usually "triggers" for her and it upset her. Her family set up some "guidelines" about contact and asked to let her initiate the contact so there wouldn't be a radom call, text, or picture from us that would upset her. Anyway...I am trying to follow by the "rules" but it's hard. :( I patiently waited for her to text me on Christmas so I could say Hi back. It wasn't that I wasn't thinking of her and didn't "remember" her until she texted first, it was that I was worried that she'd be in a good place and see that text from me and get upset and I now ruined her whole Christmas morning. :( She also asked me to text her when he started walking, and I did. I was sooo excited to share this with her. But it upset her and I then I felt guilty. She also wanted to hear him on the phone one night and he was saying so many words and I was just beaming and so proud and thought she'd be so happy and exited. She was obviously proud and "happy" but she got VERY upset and told me she had to go. I hung up and cried because I was imagining her pain and it breaks my heart. I don't know how you are as far as emotions, and it doesn't sound like you have these kinds of "guidelines" with the a-parents, but none the less I am guessing that MANY a-parents fear that maybe they are being instrusive and don't want to be a constant reminder and are preventing you from healing and so worried about upsetting. ESPECIALLY on holidays which is already an emotional time and milestones can be a "sting" I think becuase it's something you are missing. That's how I feel anyway. All a-parents are different...but that's my experience with my son's bmom. The 1st year is really hard and it's new to everyone and you are trying to learn what the relationship is all about and respect boundries. The very best thing you can do is be honest with them and never assume anything.

The one thing that I wish someone would have told me about OA is how hard it is. Every few months when I sit down to write the update letter for my DD bmom I struggle. What is too much, what is too little, what does she really want to know? What will cut her like a knife, what will make her day? It is a real balancing act. Each time I end the letter asking her to please let me know if there is anything I can do to make the updates better for her. I never get a reply yet she tells the adoption agency that the updates are "not what she expected." It would be so much easier if M would just let us know what she wants in an update. Maybe if you talk to them and ask for a few specific things they will be happy to include them. Maybe they just a a nudge in the right direction. I hope you get the changes you are asking for. In my mind you are not asking for a lot.

If she's anything like me I doubt your kid's bmom could really tell you what she wants in an update - I would think she probably doesn't really know herself, and her telling the agency it's not what she expected is probably true. From your post it sounds like the OA isn't really what you expected either, I think for many people - both aparents and bparents - they don't realize what it's going to be like or feel like until they are in the thick of it. I wouldn't necessarily take that as a "you fail" type response. When I talked to my agency about difficulties I wanted to hear I was a normal bmom, that other people might feel this way. It wasn't for them to try to step in a fix things. Also for me, the things that cuts me with a knife tend to be the same things that make my day. It's the nature of the beast - what hurts to hear sometimes is the thing I needed to hear the most (I grieve because my son is living an amazing life without me, and I celebrate because it's the life I wanted for him.) I know that in no way makes sense or helps an aparent, but it's my reality and why it's so difficult to explain to my son's aparents what I want.

I grieve because my son is living an amazing life without me, and I celebrate because it's the life I wanted for him. That is a powerful statement which describes my feelings so well. I never had the words before, so :thanks:

I know that as a new aparent in an OA you can start to feel like you're not getting any private time, like you have to share every moment, and that breeds resentment. Not to say at all that this is happening with your afamily, but there does need to be some separation between you. You will miss moments and milestones and that's a hard thing to come to terms with.