Missing them....

I will start by saying that I gave my Daughter and Son up in 2000. It started when I got sick physically, I didnt have any family support so I resorted in going to the state ( big mistake) no the less here we are. I asked for help, they told me they could have them go into a temporary home to help me while I was in the hospital. I went for it, another BIG MISTAKE... meanwhile the state was petitioning for my parental rights. I was informed in the hospital that I was only able to see my children under state supervision. I was devastated, from that hospitalization I wnet into Psychiatric Hospitalization, didnt exactly help my case. All the while every visit my children are asking when they can come home. I have no answers! to make a long story short I fought for two years for my children, court date after court date, case worker after case worker... till I finally broke enough was enough my children had been through enough. I kept getting sick and still am, cancer is not an easy fight, but here I am posting on yet another adioption site hoping for the strength to got through till that day when I see them again. I almost think the reason I keep beating the cancer is because Im holding out for them, to just hug them again. To know what there aspirations are for their future. My daughter will be 16 Jan 31st and my son 15 April 25th. Birthdays, well any holiday is hard as many of you know. The kicker is I have another daughter and see her regularly, she was spared because her father actually cared enough to stand up and be there when I need him to. I feel guilty ALOT because I see her and not them. My anger builds every year I dont see them. That really has been my biggest struggle, Being able to be happy, being ok with being happy. Ive done the counseling, the anger management, I even take boxing classes to help, but the Pain, that never goes away and I tend to mask it with anger. I know im just venting on another site. Im just trying to ease the pain. Hoping to meet them again.....