How much is enough to help out a birthmother?

You'll probably get a variety of answers to your question. I know some folks have very strong opinions on paying any expenses at all, and some have more latitude on when it might be necessary. For me, the bottom line is "what are you able to risk losing?" You have a relatively long match, and you could be providing this support for the entire time. We were matched with a situation where the family decided to parent. Luckily, we lost very little so that we are financially prepared for our next match. If you can afford to risk losing the money, then you just have to decide what you believe is right. . .maybe some other folks can help you explore that. Good luck! I know you have to be so excited!

Is it even legal to directly give the mother financial help? This should be handled through the agency. In my opinion, giving her financial help would be considered a form of coercion. When the baby is born, if she feels she "owes you" for the help you have given her, she may not feel that she can change her mind about the adoption. Her choice would be made out of guilt, not out of a true desire to not parent her child. Another thing you need to know is that this mother is NOT a birthmother. She is an expectant mother considering adoption. If she signs relinquishment papers, and does not decide to parent her child before the revocation period is up, she would THEN be a mother who chose adoption, becoming a first/natural/original mother. (The term birthmother implies that she was only a mother until she gave birth. If you still choose to use that term, it still would only be used AFTER relinquishment.) Right now she is still the babies mother. The babies only mother.

I see your point and will ask our agency about this. We are handling it through our agency, and it would be a minimal amount to assist her in getting her a roof over her head and back on her feet. My wife and I sincerely care about her and not just because she carrying our potential child but because she is a human being and felt empathy for her situation. In my opinion, relieving the stress on the expectant mother of where she is going to sleep at night is not coercing nor am I trying to do that. Where do I begin with this except we are NEW to the experience of working with a "MOTHER" of our potential child and forgot to read Susie's PC Guide To Adoption, I guess. I really didn't need nor deserved your snarky remarks about what a "MOTHER" is and you could have been more polite about it. Thanks for the non-help..:confused:

Congratulations on your situation! As the first responder to your post said, please be careful about what you are willing to do financially. There is always the possibility of a financial loss, and I urge you to think through that fully when you decide what you are comfortable with. (We lost money for birthmother expenses during a fraud.) One thing I learned during our process that you should probably look into is/are the state(s) involved in this adoption. For example, our girls were born in NC and we live in NC, so NC was the only state we had to consider. NC has very specific rules about what expenses for the birthmother are allowed to be paid prior to birth and even for a specific period of time after birth. When we had to prove our expenses on our adoption petition, we had to clearly evidence what they went for. For example, housing- we provided a hotel room (and paid the hotel directly) in the particular city for a period of time, and food- we provided grocery store gift cards and Target gift cards (for clothing)- never cash. I feel pretty confident other states have similar requirements or things allowed/not allowed to be aware of. Good luck with everything!

Thank you bldgafamily! Being careful seems to be the underlying theme here and we will definitely take that to heart. This is why we came to this forum to get advice from those you have been there like yourself. We are lucky, in that, our agency representative has been pro-active in this regard. She is attempting to get her a job first through her contacts and find possibly some subisidized housing for her. Thus, letting her get herself up on her own two feet before any mention of financial help is offered. I was just curious of other people's experiences were and how they handled it. Thanks again!

Well said. I do not think that the "crash course" on "correct adoption terms" was appropriate and/or contributed useful information to your question. Each state has its own regulation on birthmother expenses. You may select your state and then click on "Regulation of Private Domestic Adoption Expenses". As other members pointed out - it is good advice to be careful. Be aware that you will lose ALL expenses paid towards the situation if she does not decide to place. At the time when I adopted my son (5 years ago) the agency said that about $1,000/month was considered "reasonable". If you read members' posts, you will notice that it often happens that a potential birthmother decides to parent. Or - what it almost impossible to prove - that she was a plain scammer who never planned to place her child in the first place but just got financially supported. Agencies will typically quote you high placement rates (e.g. > 90%). Ask how they do their statistics but in any case, also basing my opinion on reading posts on this forum, I suggest assuming that your chances are about 50:50. That might be a more realistic estimate. Whether a pregnant woman decides to place or not depends on a plurality of factors. There is a possibility of the scam, of a potential birthmother deciding to parent, of family members/friends coming forward in the last moment etc. Very generally spoken (and sadly), the more dire her situation is and the less support she has, the more likely it is that she will place. For example, in my son's situation, it was clear that the birthmother had to place because her other option was the state taking the baby. In the case of my daughter, there were already four siblings who had been taken by the state.All the best to your adoption and keep us posted! :)

Wizard,Thank you very much for the resources and the advice! I found exactly what I was looking for. I agree, it appears our birth mother's situation is fairly dire. What makes it frustrating is she has the emotional support of her family but they seem to resistant to helping her financially even though they appear to have the means. Our agency rep, thinks it might have something to do with the child being biracial by some comments the birth mother's mother made. Who knows we are just trying to alleivate some stress from the mother.Thanks again!Dan

WOW! My daughter is a birthmother, but just curious who made you the rule maker here? In addition I have adopted 3 kids myself and although I prefer some terminology over others, would not ever be this rude in responding to someone's sincere question!

Thank you Laurie..:thanks:

Lets give Susie703 a break. She is also new here, and a birth mother, so we do not know all she has gone through. She is learning the same way dadunderconstruction is.

Thanks 2Bulgarian. Apart from the all caps, I didn't think it was rude. Straightforward maybe, but not rude, and certainly no cause to pile on. It may not be something you asked about, but it wouldn't hurt to listen. And when it comes to terminology, it's not just a matter of preference, it's really a matter of ethics. Calling a woman a "birthmother" who is still pregnant can be considered subtle coercion, even if not intended, and when starting a new situation and wanting to do things right, using terminology that doesn't presume something she legally can't decide until after her child is born, is important.

I think you all are right. I thought she made a valid point in theory, which I explained in a PM to her. It was just her delivery that made it hard to digest.