Looking for understanding

Several months is still very early in reunion. And I think it is espeically hard if you haven't had any contact at all over the years (I'm assuming your adoption was closed, given your age). My son and I are in contact and we had a semi-open arrangement, and the emotions that come up for me are still very hard to sort through. I'm sure this is the case. And unfortunately all the reassuring in the world right now is not going to make these fears go away. It is so hard to explain all the emotions that come up for a natural mother in reunion, but it is very, very difficult and even in the best of reunions, the original loss is felt all over again and there are massive fears of losing your child once more and living through the pain of that. Your birth mother is feeling extermely vulnerable right now. She most likely does not want to ask too much because of her fears. It could also be that on a subconscious level she feels she has NO RIGHT to know about you, because this was what was drummed in her head all those years ago. She may feel as though she is imposing. I know it doesn't make rational sense, but the emotional impact and fallout from losing a child to adoption can manifest in all sorts of ways that are hard for others to understand who haven't experienced it. You birthmother has this tremendous fear of losing you and already you are contemplating walking, thus becoming a possible reality for her. It might help to ask yourself if you had a hard time opening up, would you want her to give up so easily on you? I would urge you to be far more patient. My son gave me his identifying information back nearly 4 years ago and despite indicating he wanted to communicate with me, we are only NOW talking on the phone. I kept sending updates and yes, it was very "one sided" but I figured he probably had issues to work through, of which he himself may not have been fully aware of. Have you expressed directly to her that you would like for her to ask about you? Even if you do, it still might take a long time for her to give you the kind of response you want. Can you tell her about yourself instead, at least for now? I know I don't ask my son a ton of stuff. I let him tell me what he wants to reveal to me, but then use that as a springboard for further conversation. He will ask a little about me, but mostly tells me about himself. I think as we talk more and more, it will become more "give and take." It might also be good to find common interests you two could build conversations on that are more general in nature and thus don't create such vulnerability. Anyway, good luck with this. I know it is far from easy, but I do think you need to give it more time. It might also be that her personality is such that she doesn't ask a lot of questions of anyone. I know I'm that way. I'm not super inquisitive. I prefer to let other people tell me what they would like me to know, rather than to ask tons of questions. It's not that I'm not interested. I just don't like to feel like I'm prying or "interrogating" someone, and my conversational style is more geared toward letting other people reveal the things they would like for me to know about them. I'm also a better listener. The same could be true for your birth mother.

Please don't walk away. It would be a dream come true for me if my daughter showed such interest in communicating with me. One of the important things in a reunion is that you don't both lean back at the same time. I agree with the previous post. Tell your adoptive Mom you'd like to answer some of her questions. It doesn't surprise me that someone who is terrified of losing her child - TWICE - would be scared speechless. I might feel the same way when the time comes. Reunion is so fragile. -T

Thanks for the reply - I'm still there -doing my best - I have a question which may not be easy to answer - why would a birth mother be concerned there child would would walk away ?? I do not understand that - adoptees who search what to know there birth mothers, not loose them again.

Pullback can happen in reunion, among both adoptees and birthparents. If the emotions get too overwhelming, if deeply buried feelings get triggered that the person does not know how to cope with, that can cause someone to retreat. Not every adopted person wants to know their birth mothers in the long-term. Some are curious and looking perhaps for information on their background and health history and nothing more. Or they may initially want a relationship, find out they do not have much in common with their birth mother, and then realize they really don't want a relationship after all. Sometimes expectations do not mesh well. Some people may want a very casual connection, with maybe just exchanging holiday cards and emailing once in a while. If the other party wants more of a relationship, that can be hard to navigate. If you've read a lot on these boards, you hear stories like that all the time. Many adoptees also fear their birth mother will leave. I think the relationship is so vulnerable in the beginning, and there is no social template for what it is even supposed to look like, so you have to sort of fly by the seat of your pants. After going through the pain of losing a child to adoption (whether it was by choice or not, it is still a terrible loss), then reuniting and having that child (grown) back in your life, the very idea of losing the child again and going through that pain again is simply terrifying. I think for many birthmothers, if the pain was buried, if they had no counseling, if their coping skills are not strong, things can be much more difficult for them, but even in the "best case" scenario it is not easy. You say you don't understand why a birth mother would worry that her child would walk away, and yet you say in your initial post that you could conceivably do just that simply because of your perception that she shows no interest in you (I would guess she is very interested, but terrified to open up right now, OR it's not her conversational style to ask a ton of questions - this could also be a cultural thing). And I think more than anyting, time will reassure her, and actions more than words, which it seem like you are doing with the weekly calls and monthly visits. It takes time for trust and understanding to develop in any relationshp. Moreso with adoption reunion. And it is still so new! I stand by my advice to give it more time and try to meet your birthmom where she is at right now emotionally. It is also good to keep expectations out of it. I am newly in reunion with my son and while I have hopes for our relationship, I really try to keep any expectations in check. He can be inconsistent right now in his communication and I get the feeling he tends, like many men, to avoid things that bring up strong emotions. It is what it is, and that's OK, too.