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We just accepted the placement of an 11yo girl transferred here from another foster home. She really doesn't ask for or require much out of us. She told me she has lots of clothes and had no other needs, except some feminine products and some cold medicine. I've noticed while doing her laundry, that she did need some things. Things that her other foster family should have provided for her... a decent winter coat, winter boots, gloves, hat and dressy clothes, for instance. So we've gone shopping this week and purchased everything she was lacking, even extras, like perfume. Yesterday, she had a visit with her mom. However, she didn't wear anything new. She wore all old, raggedy clothes! Why would she do that? It would appear to her mom that we're not taking care of her or meeting her needs! In fact, her brother gave her his jacket at the visit, to add a layer under her old, thin coat! And she had a brand-new heavy, warm winter coat hanging here! She wears it everywhere else, but not to the visit. She's picked out what we've bought, so its not that she doesn't like her stuff... I'm sure there's a psychological reason for this, but I'm not understanding it yet. Does anyone have some insight?
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Maybe the old clothes she wore were some mom or family had provided and she wanted to seem appreciative? Or maybe she didn't want to make mom feel bad that she could not provide nice new things for her like you can? She might be trying to protect her mom. Or, if her mom has complained in the past about what the foster parents gave her, she might be trying to protect herself or make sure there's no conflict in the visit.
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I had to think about this for a bit, but I think what the LBs said might be on target. She doesn't want to upset bmom and bfamily with wearing all of the nice things, as they are not able to provide them to her.Maybe before the next visit, you and her therapist could work with her and she would be ok with adding an extra sweater that you bought, or tshirt, or something like that? Maybe slowly integrating the new wardrobe in might work for her, and not offend bmom?
Hopeful_in_CO
I had to think about this for a bit, but I think what the LBs said might be on target. She doesn't want to upset bmom and bfamily with wearing all of the nice things, as they are not able to provide them to her.
Maybe before the next visit, you and her therapist could work with her and she would be ok with adding an extra sweater that you bought, or tshirt, or something like that? Maybe slowly integrating the new wardrobe in might work for her, and not offend bmom?
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I agree with the PPs. She's old enough to pick up on Mom's cues and feelings regarding FPs and what they provide, and she may just be protecting her mother, or herself. I like the idea of slowly integrating her new items into her wardrobe when she visits with Mom.
Our oldest foster son came from another foster home and didn't come with much of anything, or anything that fit. The other family had received a voucher to purchase him things he needed, but obviously didn't use it, or use it well. He didn't have a coat, of the 4 or 5 pairs of shoes he had, only one pair fit, it was just a hodge podge of stuff that really didn't make any kind of outfits.
I agree with everyone else... our FD (12) was EXACTLY the same way. She wore the outfit that she arrived in whenever she had a visit with her mom. It took over 6 months that she really wanted to "dress nice" to see her. I would maybe let her wear her old clothes and tell her that it is SOOO cold out today why doesn't she wear her warmer coat. Just see what happens. Good luck!