Dating again...how do I tell my new b/f about my birthson?

I would just wait longer. Give your time together a chance to be more complex. If he's a great guy, he'll be fine with it. Even if he's medium great, ha.

How about an update? Have you decided to tell him?After my daughter was born and adopted, I had a cousin counsel me that it wasn't an appropriate thing to share with anyone unless there was a marriage proposal on the table. I found that to be a good rule of thumb to keep myself from being hurt by people in school, new friends, etc. The first boyfriend I told, KC, was adopted himself. We weren't serious, but we did click easily and quickly. His adopted father died in an accident shortly after he was adopted. That threw me, as it occurred to me that the same thing could have happened to Kelsey. I blurted that out and had a minor meltdown and he was wonderfully supportive. He said it's the first time he'd ever considered seeking his birth mother. I was astonished. Why? Because he felt it was disrespectful to his adoptive mother. I asked around that point, but couldn't find any evidence that his adopted mother would have "put that on him". She was as well adjusted as he was. From then on, I loosened up a little more. I would tell close female friends after 5 years or so... when I felt they'd be in my life for the duration. I have 4 such friends.I had a boyfriend of 6 months yell at me when I shared it with him. That was the beginning of the end. I told my husband after we had been together for about a year. It started long distance, but I told him during one of our visits. He listened, and didn't give much remark. I remember blinking and asking... "Well?" and waiting for some flood of feelings about it. I don't remember his exact words, but he was utterly unafraid, completely calm, remarkably peaceful. He was ready to talk about something else, or ready to talk about Kelsey more. I told him I really wanted to be sure, before we took the next step in our relationship, that he was prepared to handle my feelings (up and down) throughout the process, and to understand that if Kelsey ever wants me in her life, I will be there. I also explained that if we went on to get married and have kids, they would need to know before teenagerhood.He totally accepted me, and all of the future possibilities. That might mean he had no idea what he was signing up for! Now he's listening as I go through the most severe roller coaster of feelings I've ever had. It's nice to have him there for me. I'm so grateful he's accepting. -T

My husband and I will likely be splitting up, and I was thinking myself about this very issue, because in the past, I would not bring up my son, but now I feel quite differently. I waited for a number of years before I told my husband, and he was shocked to say the least. I wish I had told him sooner, but always felt it wasn't appropriate early on, and then if you wait too long, it's like "OMG, now I have to drop this bombshell!" Since I am in reunion with my son, assuming my husband and I end things, if I start dating, I'm laying it on the line right away. My son is in my life, I have a child (my only one) and I'm not comfortable denying it. If someone can't handle it from day one, or very shortly thereafter, then that is not the person for me. I don't think it's anything I need to have a big, huge conversation about with excruciating detail right away. I would probably say, if asked if I have kids "yes, I have one child, a grown son who I had as a teenager but was not able to raise, but with whom I am currently in contact." If I'm going to be judged and rejected for having and placing my son, I'd rather have it come out sooner rather than later.

I appreciate your input, both of you :flower: I have not yet told the new guy yet as we are kind of doing the long distance thing and our status is really up in the air. I figure if it becomes what I kind of think it will become, yes, I will tell him. He is planning a trip out here in the next month and if things go as I think they will, I will most likely tell him then. To me, this isn't really a "phone conversation" sort of thing, like, 'oh, hey, btw, I really have 3 kids but I only raised 2 of them'. It's a difficult subject to bring up, even after all this time. Every thing associated with J all the way back to when I became pregnant with him has always been "secret". I was pregnant, gave birth in the summer, and went right back to high school like "nothing ever happened". Of course we all know that the whole "move on with your life" thing is just a sham but I hate to say old habits die hard. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to explain this to anyone bc I start to feel 16 again and 32 years later I wish I didn't feel so scared to share him with anyone new....:confused: I just started a new job and I don't mention my son because it's just hard to explain it to what to me are almost strangers. My last job I had for 18 months and nobody there knew about my son either. He would call and say he was my son, and the receptionists would be so confused! I would tell them yes I have another son and they wouldn't ask anything more. However with a man, a potential long term boyfriend or even more, well, he does deserve to know about J and all that having J in my life entails. I don't see J very much but he does have plans to come out here again sometime in the future and well that would be horrible to have been dating someone for a year or whatever and never have mentioned my son to him. My plan, as it is, is to tell him about J next time he is out here and we have had some time to reconnect in person, and then tell this sweet man about my son, and let him know about everything. If he can't handle it, well I guess he isn't the man I thought he was. :grr:

I agree at this point you should wait until you see him in person. I would still make it as comfortable and casual as you can. I think if we make a big deal out of it, and over-explain, it only makes it seem like something to be ashamed of. I recently came out to a friend (I know, not the same as a serious boyfriend) and was nervous about it, but just made it very matter-of-fact. She asked if I had any upcoming vacation plans, and I do, to meet my son, in fact! So I told her where I was going and she said "oh, are you visiting family?" and that was my lead-in to say, well, as a matter of fact, yes. I then just said I wanted to tell her something for awhile but wasn't sure how to bring it up, but when I was a teenager I had a baby that I couldn't raise and I am now in communication with him and will be meeting him soon. She was totally understanding. I think if we don't make a big deal out of it, others won't. And if they do, they are not the kinds of people we would want in our lives anyway. I do understand how hard it is if it has been kept secret for so long. Some people in my life know, others don't. Now that we are in reunion, I'd prefer to be out and upfront about my son and that is what I am working toward. I think with a romantic partner, it's one of those things that should be mentioned sooner rather than later. If anyone I was wanting to have a meaningful relationship with would be judgemental or unaccepting of my son or my situation, or think badly of me for placing a child for adoption, I'd want to know right away.