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Hi all, it's my first post and I'm going to make it as short as possible b/c I'd like to address a couple things in 1 post rather than post a bunch of posts.
I'm practically incapable of telling a story without adding superfluous details but I'm going to try and inform you (quickly) about my situation in case you want to write back; you can scroll to the bottom to see my questions faster.
BACKGROUND:
[FONT="Franklin Gothic Medium"]About me[/FONT]
I'm 25, have always known I was adopted and never had an interest in meeting my bfam. I'm biracial (Puerto Rican/Scottish) and occasionally wondered about things like looks/personality but my biggest desire was always to have health information.
[FONT="Franklin Gothic Medium"]About the adoption pt. 1[/FONT]
My bparents were not married and gave me up for adoption. My bmom put me in foster care for 11 weeks when the state started to get involved--I was immediately adopted and the adoption was subsequently challenged by my bmom. My parents had to go to court and all that jazz so tack on another few months to my adoption process.
[FONT="Franklin Gothic Medium"]About the adoption pt. 2[/FONT]
Recently I found out that bparents hid the pregnancy from my bdad's family (IDK if bmom's family knew). Bdad's family found out about me AFTER the adoption and it caused major problems. A buncle found out about me and told his parents (my paternal bgrandparents) and they were upset and blah blah blah. Point is that this side of my bfam (bdad's PR family) has always wondered about me and the bgrandparents have a picture of me and frequently commented about me and who I was and what happened to me. Not really sure about anything on the bmom's side right now.
[FONT="Franklin Gothic Medium"]"Reunion" Story[/FONT]
In March, 2010 a coworker who I have known since I was a toddler, sent an email on my behalf to one of my buncle's sister-in-law's. The idea was to not inconvenience anyone with my existence but that I would like some health information. The woman called her sister but failed to pass a phone number to my coworker; we forgot about it and figured when I got engaged I could try again. This is unfortunate because my buncle and his wife were interested in talking. Fast forward to January 20th... my coworker makes a work phone call to another agency and speaks to a woman--they start talking. This is my fav part of the story but the short version is the woman on the phone was my buncle's wife (so my baunt by marriage? haha). They cried and she called my buncle and they wanted to meet ASAP.
[FONT="Franklin Gothic Medium"]Through my eyes, what's been up[/FONT]
I have completely meshed with my buncle and his family (wife and daughter) and see them almost daily. My family was shocked/excited/confused/amazed etc about how everything went down and all that jazz. My boyfriend of over 5 years reacted badly and was disinterested and didn't understand why I couldn't just get my health info and then be done. (Flaw in his position: The PR family has over the last 25.1 years thought and wondered about me. Knowing that we all understand why they want to be involved in my life-they don't want to replace anyone they just don't want to not be a part of my life if I'm willing to "have them", which I am!) Also found out I have 2 full bsiblings. I thought I would have half siblings b/c the belief was that my bmom and bdad parted ways after the adoption; they obvi got back together! The siblings do not know about me and a baunt told my bmom about what happened. (I told the baunt she could tell the bmom). Bmom reacted defensively because she was not ready to open this chapter-she elicited a defensive position from the bdad side of the family. Bmom has since digested the situation and wants to contact me before talking to her children--she's receptive to everything and all that jazz but we have not corresponded yet. I let the baunt pass my email address to my bmom because that's how I feel comfortable talking to her. I'm awaiting her email to me...
Overall this has been so overwhelming, in a good way, but definitely has been crazy. The details make it even crazier but I tried to make this not too long. I can elaborate if someone needs to but onto the next part:
QUESTIONS:
~~~How do I find a counselor/therapist or someone to talk to? I live in NJ and I don't even know what to start googling--and when I do google things I am not coming across the right information.
~~~My mom ("amom") seems to be annoyed that I'm hanging around my buncle's. As a strong FYI, this is stemming from a place of control and not jealousy right now. I just don't know how to phrase this question now--I want to hang out with them but not in place of my parents. My dad is the most important person in my life and he completely gets why I go there--i.e. I watched the Probowl at my buncle's and my dad told my mom "why wouldn't she? you never watch anything with us and i'm going to bed early and there are other people there who want to see the game--we should be happy we know she's safe and with good people"-- what a good daddy :)
~~~Has anyone had a BF/GF/W/H that didn't react the way you expected them to? My BF is the only person in my life who was practically disgusted by it (he's apologized about how he acted but he's currently not in the US so I feel like his apology is easy for him because it was via text from some AF base in the desert)... How did you deal with it?
~~~Can anyone validate why I feel this love for people I don't know? (My buncle and his family). I haven't really met other bfam yet but apparently will be traveling to PR to meet them. That's besides the point though--I am guessing it's because I know that this person is my blood and that I'm so happy to see that I'm similar to them (and my other buncles/baunt).
~~~What's most overwhelming for me is that I didn't expect this. I've had 2 adopted friends who wanted to meet their bparents--1 was dying to and then talked on the phone and was content with that and to be done with it; the other reached out and found they didn't want to be contacted :( Then here's me, I didn't have an interest and here's this family that can't get over the shock of meeting me (it's the most shocking to my buncle and his fam, and then my bgrandparents and baunt and buncle living in PR). How do/can you cope when something so good can happen but you have no experience processing something like it?
~~~Anyone want to throw something in or ask a follow-up? I'm just happy there's this website that I can post too. Look forward to anything because I'm "alone" in my world with the experience I've been having. Sure it affects everyone that knows me but not in the way or to the degree that it affects me!
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Welcome and congrats on finding your family. I am not yet in reunion and let me tell you I already have a strong love for my 1st mom.
Think about it, regardless they are family, and even with your raised family you love them no matter what. you may not be able to stand them at time but there is that unlying love you have for them.
As for your BF he's probably worried that the reunion could go south, doesn't want to see you hurt, and the fact that he's overseas, probably a bit jealous that you get to spend time with these "unknown" people.
Give him time, reassure him that everything is fine, and let him know that you need him to stand behind your decisions and be there for support
Good Luck!,
Nicole
My suggestion about a counselor, is to pm Bromanchik. Brenda is a therapist who has lots of contacts and can advise you. Some adoptees seem to feel an immediate connections and others do. Luckily in my own case, both my bson and I felt that connection. He describes our relationship as healthy. We have become extended family. He (with his wife and children) met my husband and me and his 2 half siblings at the same time. My daughter commented afterward that she had expected the meeting to be awkward but that it had been comfortable. I think what is healthy for us is that none of us is looking for a replacement relationship. As I read the stories here, I wondered if I was missing something, if we would back away. After five years, we are still there (both sides). I'm not sure anyone can explain why some of us feel that instant connection. It may be partly that our personalities may click more because of the genetics.
Take it a day at a time - as you say - its all good - even the tough emotional overwhelming stuff is all fundamentaly good. With you Bmom - take it really slowly - and hopefully she wont keep you a secret too long from your bsiblings because that will become very difficult. I can't help with the counsellor - sorry - but if you do find one make sure they specialise in adoption issues or else it could do more harm than good. Remember - there is no Instruction manual - and that goes for everyone - including your Aparents and extended bfamily - patience is the key. There is a good book out there called "The Primal Wound" I think it sheds light on why adopted people feel that connection.
The best way for me to find a therapist was to ask for lists from both sources of support at work - there is an EAP - Employee Assistance Program, and my medical insurance. They both have different lists of people "In Network". So I got those lists, picked 5 women who were on both, and nearby, and left 5 voicemails. I've gotten 4 calls back, and only one had adoption experience.
I think it's important to talk to someone with adoption experience, preferably with the whole triad - adoptee's, a-parents, and b-parents. Simply categorizing it into crisis, family issues, grief, etc generalizes these feelings that are extremely unique to people in the triad.
Good luck!
-T
:cheer:
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