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Hey all,
I am a 22 year old adoptee. I recently began searching for my bmom and it has brought a lot of intense emotions and feelings to the surface--painful feelings that are ingrained on a cellular level. Feelings of being unwanted, not good enough, fears of being abandoned and left all alone. I have become a lot stronger and better at reminding myself that I am loved and wanted and cherished, and just being able to identify the feelings and their reason for existing is so helpful.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about moving 3000 miles away together. I am super thrilled about this prospect as I love him very much but I am also currently not in a financial place to be able to do so. Both of us live with our parents at the moment and he's a little bit older than I am and has a lot more money saved. Living with his mom is driving him crazy and he's decided he's leaving on March 1st---with or without me. Naturally, this has further stirred up a lot of my long-standing abandonment fears and issues. It's also created new ones because I do feel that he is, in a sense, abandoning me. He has offered to take me with him but as kind and loving as that is I'm not sure he's fully aware of how huge of an offer that is and I don't want to be financially dependent on him. Gaining independence has been a goal of mine for awhile and something I feel the need to do for myself. In the meantime though, before he leaves, I don't want to push him away out of fear. I've pushed away tons of people in the past but I am determined to make this different--I care about this person and have grown and trusted in this relationship more than any other. I already feel like we are both pushing each other away in anticipation of our separation. I guess I'm just wondering if anybody has any advice to quell these fears and worries and help me stop any destructive behavior on my end. Or just for advice from anyone who has had a similar experience.
Thanks to anyone who is reading for reading this far...all of this abandonment stuff is coming at me all at once and is a bit overwhelming. Sometimes it just feels good to get it all out somewhere.
Take care
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Hope you don't mind my saying this, but lots of people who weren't adopted are struggling with similar issues at your age. "Is this relationship the one for me?" "Ack, I think this relationship is about to end." "Should I dump this person because I seem to be getting along with them, and that's scary." "How do I separate from my parents?" "How do I save enough money to be independent?" "Does anyone really understand who I am, and if so or if not, does anyone really care about me?" Adoption may create an additional dynamic to ponder, *but*, I hope you know that you would likely be struggling with many of the same things if you weren't adopted.I maybe can say this with certainty, because in my family 3 of my cousins were adopted, 3 of us were bios. We all had *mostly* the same issues, with small differences.
This is a major life decision and you are asking all the right questions, and although I'm sure you will get good support here, I would consider hashing this out in counseling. It's a lot to process and I think a good therapist can help you sort through all of it and clarify it. It could be that although you say you don't want to "push him away," if you are not ready for such a major move and want to feel more financially secure, you may need some more time. I wouldn't feel pressured into making this move due to either fears of abandonment or fears of pushing him away. If you are ready for such a move, great, but if you are not ready, you are not ready, regardless of any adoption issues or young-adult issues you are currently struggling with. I wonder why your BF needs to move so far in the first place! And I sort of feel if it is meant to be, it will be. There are also other options outside of this "all or nothing" approach. You could stay back and spend the next year getting your ducks in a row, but still keep a long-distance relationship and join him when you are feeling more on your feet. You could see if he is willing to not move so far away. You could go with him on a trial basis and see if it is workable. In any event, I think the issue needs much more thought and consideration in terms of what you really want, and not just a reaction to his upping and leaving.
Personally, I say you are young, you have no children, and should live, don't worry so much. Whatever you decide could be the best thing you do, or the stupidest, either way you will learn, which is what being young is all about.
I agree with not wanting to be dependent on your boyfriend and would try to find a job in advance if possible, craigslist is one place to look. If you can't get enough in savings, maybe try to make sure you can put at least enough in savings to get back home if it doesn't work out (make sure it is money you won't touch to live off of). You are young, maybe you could even find a live-in nanny position.
I struggle with stepping out of my comfort zone, I haven't done it too often but I can say anytime I have it usually is for the better. But be a smart girl and make sure you have a back up plan. Have you gone to college? FAFSA kinda takes a while but at a community college with grants and loans if you budget wisely you could support yourself. Good luck, ahh to be young again and not have major responsibilities, take care.
Hi. I can relate to what you are going through, to some extent, only because my current relationship is on rocky ground. (i, however, was not given an ultimadem to move 3000 miles away or "face the consequences" and not be together.. that's a HUGE decision. And no one should b forced to make a decision like that.. if it feels forced, it may not be the right time... just a thought, hon.)
It is SO true that when you REALLY begin to search for birth family members, things change: within you, within your relationships: with almost everything, if only because emotions are being brought to the forefront and we are making ourselves face something so scary, yet we want it SO badly. I know for me, an adult adoptee who started searching about 5 years ago, and more recently doing more detailed searches, I have really noticed a change in me, in how i see things about how i relate to people i care about. I try harder to make the right decisions, but sometimes do not have the patience to do so. This can be frustrating, just as searching and getting no answers can be nerve racking. But something good will come of all this, i am sure... as it will for you.
I also agree with the counseling idea. I am in counseling now, have been for about 3 months.. and it is helping me SO much. My therapist lets me say anything; it is my safe place. Some people worry about going counseling and talking about things that they cannot with their partner/mate..that they should be able to discuss without a third party. I SO do not see it that way; a counselor is there to help you, to be there while u sort through all that you are going through. I am a strong advocate for counseling, not only because it has helped me, but i know it has greatly helped others. It may be a little rough at first, but as you work through your thoughts and plans, you will gain a clarity that you have probably never known.
Didn't mean to get so deep.. LOL
Good Luck!!
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