A second chance to adopt

There is always benefit for a child to know his birth family AS LONG AS it is not damaging to him (ie, the person seriously abused him, or continues to act in abusive ways, etc). Every adopted child should know where they come from. That being said - most will also feel that their adoptive family is their "family," even if they are in contact with their bio family (through visits, letters, etc). So you wouldn't necessarily have to feel like you are competing with the bio mom for the right to be the child's mother. How are visits currently working out? Is the FM the child's "mom?" Is the bio mom really even in the picture?

It seems like a nice opportunity for your family, although it will be very hard on the child. I wonder why the foster family isn't willing to adopt him after all this time.

I wouldn't bat an eye at the 4 visits. As time goes by, it might change to be fewer... things do change over time. The reality of you being with your new son 24/7 wouldn't be compromised by seeing birthparent(s) 4 times a year, for a short while, and probably with you there, at least most of the time. For me, I felt that I loved my fos-son's BPs, no matter how wierd of things they had done, as they created this child I loved so much.What I would really worry about, is how the child would adjust to a new home after 3 years in the former home. I would want to make 300% sure that she had continued contact with them. That our love was adding to their love, not a type of love that required pushing other people away. That is a HUGE thing, moving after 3 years somewhere. I'd opt for a gradual transition, also, if possible. Are the other FPs approving of him moving? How do the FPs intend to handle their grief? Do you have counseling to help your future son handle his grief?

You should also be able to put things in the open adoption agreement that will protect you and your child. If drugs were an issue, ask that bp submit a clean drug test ahead of time (you can meet with them the day before the visit and bring your own kit from a local pharmacy). Stipulate that if bp brings anyone else to the visits (boyfriend of the week, friends, etc), visit is cancelled and not rescheduled. Or if bp has been charged with any violent crimes (or something as simple as harrassment, disorderly conduct, etc), you don't have to visit. No visits in prison or rehab centers (but that doesn't mean contact ends -- just no "in person" visits). Basically, they put legitimate ways out of the agreement should bp go downhill, and visiting in person would no longer be in the best interests of the child. Some adoptive parents I know have had it entered into their open adoption agreement that if bp cancels any visit, the OA agreement is null and void. And really, those are "worst case scenario" situations. Most bps are going to be respectful, and pp is right in that the bp will probably end up not wanting 4 visits/year down the road. Just word the OA agreement so that if bp cancels an agreed upon visit, said visit is NOT rescheduled, or you will likely run into situations of trying to schedule two visits within 2 months. It seems scary because you haven't had the opportunity to build a relationship with this bp yet. It won't seem as scary after you meet her (hopefully). Good luck!!

I can understand your trepidation. I felt nervous, also, about OA. But, I can attest that it really isn't as bad as you can imagine it to be. My son and I have an OA with his 1st parents. They love him very much, but are unable to parent him. When we get together, there are 3 people sitting around who love this little guy SO much. I genuinely like his 1st parents. They are basically good people who have lousy luck. Its a beautiful thing, really. And, its great that my son will know his 1st parents. If you are worried about questions that come up when he sees his 1st mom- well, these questions will be there whether he knows his mom or not. And actually knowing his 1st mom's love may help him more easily process the fact that she was not allowed to parents him, and all the questions that come from this fact. I would be lieing if I said there haven't been some issues. There have. But, you live and learn. 4 visits a year are not alot. You will be living with your child 24/7. This woman gave him life, and this should be honored (imo). You never know- this new relationship with your child's 1st parent may be a wonderful addition to your life! Good luck. Eileen