Do relatives always have first priority?

That is a very good point. A thread was recently closed where the OP was essentially 'blacklisted' from matching because she happened to live a few doors down from a cousin who was busted in a pedophile sting. (And I'm totally not trying to bring that thread back to life!) But, it does reinforce your point - we (family) are essentially being asked to walk a VERY fine line: If you are too close to the 'iffy' ones, than you risk the chance of being labeled as a 'minimizer', an 'enabler', or treated as 'just as bad'. However, if you completely remove the person from your life - for your own sanity or safety- then somehow you don't deserve to stay connected to their children or have the right to step in on the family's behalf. :grr: I love my brother with all of my heart. I HATE HATE HATE the person that he has become. The things he has done to my family, abandoning my nephew, letting him sit in foster care and not alerting ANY of his family, continuing to play the victim, the drugs, the alcohol - I hate it all. But I will never be able to forget who he was and the relationship we had growing up. In the last 10 years I have only seen/spoken to my brother about 10 times at most (and all of those were him saying horribly mean things to me after I told him I wouldn't be his enabler). It doesn't make him any less my brother - and it certainly doesn't make his son any less to me.

Oh geez, I'm sorry! I screwed it up, it's your brother, not sister. Anyway, I still think my point stands. And having some very difficult people in my family I know what you're saying.

It's a very thin line relatives walk. It's called kidnapping if you "rescue" a child from a crappy situation, even if they are related to you. It's called enabling when you take care of the child while the parent goes on binges. When you call in complaint after complaint into the tip line, and the SW WITNESSES ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and does nothing...what are your LEGAL options? When the parents think you are "square" and don't put you on the kinship list because you are "uncool" and they instead choose the "cool" people they just met in the mental hospital or the tatoo shop...what do you do? When you call the sw to introduce yourself and they tell you they can't talk to you cause you aren't on the list, what do you do? When the sw tells the parents you call multiple times a day (and you don't) and that you are "trying to adopt" the baby (and you never said that), what do you do? You are ****ed if you do, ****ed if you don't. If the sw (people with power) can't fix stupid, how can you? All we can do is keep calling 911, the tip line, keep reporting. Being related doesn't give us a magic wand to fix the parents, nor does it give any legal right that makes us immune to kidnapping charges. It's nearly 6 months of banging my head against a wall trying to do exactly what you are saying we should be doing, and I get thwarted at every turn. I never in a million years thought the sw would LIE about me!??!! I had to be picked up off the floor! If you have some secret for how to accomplish what you think we should be accomplishing, by all means share. Cause you would think all the "normal" channels (911, DSS tipline, etc) would work. They don't. I thought when DV occurred, the police had to arrest someone, or at the very least, remove the two parties from the same residence. Apparently not. Apparently the police just leave. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Dozens of times. This has been a horrible eye opener for me. I have no faith in the system or people anymore. I thought the sw would fall over themselves to have decent, educated, sane family step forward. This is an insane system.

With my sister, for the first year of my niece's life I had her every day while my sister worked. When my neice was a year old her father asked us for money, we suspected he was using drugs again and so we said no. Though I did buy formula diapers and clothing for my niece. Her father got mad at us and took my sister and my niece and took off. For a few years we had no idea where they were. They were in other states for most of the next three years traveling with a carnival. No one in the family knew where they were. I worried every day and prayed for my nieces safety. I cared very much about her, and tried to find them, but there was nothing I could do. Had something happened during this time and my niece been taken into custody, I would have had no way of knowing. When they finally resurfaced (to ask for money again) they were homeless and he was using drugs. I reported it and nothing happened. That pattern continues to this day. They will disappear and then reappear, we report and nothing happens. Now she is with another man, not much better than the last. At least now at 12 my niece is old enough to know who we are and I think she would tell a SW about us. My sister would be embarrassed and wouldn't want us to know she had lost her child and she might be in one of her snits since I don't give her money anymore and each time I say no she doesn't speak to me for months or even years. I would never presume to judge whether someone else cares about a child who is related to them. As others have said, you really don't have a lot of rights as a relative. Taking the child is kidnapping, reporting often means nothing happens except the relative gets mad and hides things from you. (anonymous is not always anonymous, way too often the sw's let it slip who reported or give enough hints. Been on both sides of that one.)

This is DEAD ON. So sorry about your beloved niece. I think my situation is heading your way very soon and I can imagine the hole in your heart not knowing.

Amen! And much of the time, you need a magic wand not only to fix the parents, but the larger family unit :p

I can totally agree with this because I'm related by marriage!!! LOL :P

In our situation, we repeatedly turned my cousin into CPS and all it did was cause her to flee town with her daughter and cut off ties. My "neice" was then neglected and abused until she was 7 when she was taken into care and given to her father. Unfortunatly, the damage inflicted was great and now I'm raising HER two children. Most people would probably think I'm too distant a relative but I babysat my cousin, tried to help her older daughter, fostered her younger daughter, and then fostered her grandchildren. (Now adopting) Addiction is a powerful, horrible thing and it happens in the best of families. Babies having babies is another problem. Many of us try our best to help our family members and it still dosn't work. It is heartbreaking. I agree with the ****** if you do and ****** if you don't statement. I was asked why we never called CPS about our neice. For one, I never had proof of what was going on, just suspicions. Two, I was gunshy because of what happened with her case when she was young. I am so thankful that CPS placed these two children with me. They have plenty of access to their birth family and culture while having a safe loving home. It's a little confusing sometimes having a Grandma 7 years younger than your Mom and a Birthmom the same age as your brothers, but we're making it work.

Just wanted to say that no, relatives don't always have priority. In our DD's case a wonderful social worker and CASA realized how vital her bond to us was (she came attachment disordered at 15 months and now is completely attached). An aunt on biofather's side wanted placement and ICPC was approved, but family here and birthmom wanted DD to stay with us. We finalized earlier this week. :-)

here with our caseworker this is the deal: they asked family over a year ago, they all said no or were found inappropriate. now if/when it goes to adoption it will be too late, they all said no, the kids are bonded and attached, they won't disrupt.

IMO that's how it SHOULD be. If relatives are given an opportunity early to step up and don't, they don't get a do-over just because it's going to TPR. Kids have the right not to have their lives messed with. That being said, I also feel it's IMPERATIVE that relatives know their decision has long lasting effects. Yes the goal is RU, but your decision also counts if it goes to TPR.

I agree. And I know that there are times when relatives do not find out until much later, but I am not sure the argument of maintaining family bonds for those situations over the well being of bonded attachments is justified or accurate. Children brought into the system already deal with so much loss. They lose the only parents they know, good or bad, they lose all ancillary characters in their birth family life, and then they get placed in a loving home. They build relationships, bonds, with the foster family and their ancillary attachments, and then have it all pulled out from them again to be RU or sent to a relative. It is easy to say that children heal, but, no, not all children heal from these separations. Even my nieces still miss my FFDs. The oldest one who just turned 13 was just telling me the other day "I still miss #2 so much. I have that one picture of her (she describes the picture) on my wall and every time I look at it I get a little sad. " I'd like to NOT let them get attached to Chubbs in case he doesn't stick around. I think that will be easier because he is just a baby right now. Both nieces had major and regular interactions with my girls. My heart continues to ache for #2. She lost me, my nieces, all of our friends, all of her classmates at pre-school, all of her favorite teachers, her needed schedule, and then her daddy, all in 3 short months. No, I don't think that child will ever recover from all of that loss. I think even if she were to return to me, that the scars on her heart will be permanent. Unfortunately, I live in a county where relatives do always come first. The agents will lie and tell you that they don't, but when it comes down to fight it out, nobody stands up to the system and does it. The GAL bows away, takes her payment, and moves on to the next case. I have had Chubbs two weeks now and haven't even heard from his GAL yet.

We just went thru this,so I will tell you how it went for us. Family was contacted in the beginning and they kept declining, even said some real nasty stuff about baby girl. So TPR was filed and court was to right after she tured 1. 12 days before the trial was to start a close family member filed for tpr of parents, as well as best interest of the child. At court said family member had no standing with the court, because she had been with us for over a year, we had first priorty, unless the tpr was not granted, then we would have had to have another hearing on best interest. The TPR WAS GRANTED. PARENTS appealed. Funny thing thou, "no pun intended" the didn't appeal the tpr, they agreed with it. They appealed the best interest of the child. The tpr was upheld for many reasons, but 2 of the things that stuck out were, 1. the parents had no right to appeal the best interest of the child because their rights were TPR'd, so they had no say so what so ever in what happened to her. Their wants or desires at that point was null and void, and no longer an issue. 2. The court of appeals saw no reason to remove her from us just because we were not related in order to put her with family just because there is a blood tie, when they were given every opportunity to take custody of her in the beginning. It was too late. So now we have to wait another 60 days before we can appeal, sigh: :eyebrows:

I don't understand.. why do you have to appeal? Or do you mean adopt? :-)

LOL, i'm sorry. No I meant to say that now we have to wait 60 days to see if the parents will try to appeal the appeal before we can adopt. Forgive me for the confusion. Charge it to my head and not to my heart.