Seeking Advice

I am so sorry for your experience. As a birthmother myself, I can tell you that the support from the agency will only get worse after your delivery. You may want to contact Brenda here, she can find you some support that will not be bias in your area. Please be aware that you do not have to make any final decisions until after the baby is born.I sure wish you the best of luck to you and your baby whatever decision you make.

Sweet, Honest advice...do not go to Utah. Do not move in with the potential adoptive family. WAIT until you dad gets home. YOU are not due until April. You do not have to place your baby at birth. You do not have to agree to anything. Have you talked to planned parenthood? Have you looked into the resources available to you to be a mother? Have you talked to your dad about parenting and adoption? Would he be there for you? What about the father of this child? What does he say? Kind regards.Dickons

I totally agree with Dickons.

Allie - your hormones are all over the place plus the fact that your Dad is away makes you, understandably, very lonely and feeling alone. You are not. I'm sure your best friend doesn't hate you and is more concerned about you. Really. I agree with everything Dickons said. Really, truly, please stay put. You have several weeks left and your Dad will be home soon. Do not move to Utah - you may have really connected with this family but ... it seems a little pushy them wanting you to move to Utah. You have no support out there - except for the people who want to adopt your baby. Never mind the plane ticket - this is way too important to worry about that. Can you wait to meet the SW when your Dad comes back. Hang in there.:flowergift:

Hi Allie, I am a adoptive parent, so I have not been in your shoes. I usually don't post on the birthparent forum but your post has soooo many red flags in it, that I felt compelled to. It sounds like you really like this couple, but I truly believe the agency you are working with sounds very unethical and does not have your best interest in mind. If you are set on adoption, please explore other agencies and options, there are a lot of good ones out there. Do not go to Utah. Moving you away from your friends and family is a tactic to separate you from your support system. You will need your support system when you give birth and had if you make the decision post-birth place your child. Moving you in with family of the Potential adoptive parents is another tactic to help persuade you not to change your mind. The fact that the agency even implied that you are "lacking integrity" is horrifying. I would drop them as fast as you can. Also Utah's adoption laws are not favorable to birth parents. They do not require consent of the birth father if you are unmarried and termination of your rights are irrevocable upon signing. In most states you have some time to change your mind after you sign. This is very important. And likely an important reason why they want you to move to UTAH. I don' t know what state you are in but chances are you will have a lot more rights and a lot more support if you just stay put. I am wishing you the best. I know this is a very scary and lonely time but do not let that agency move you, make you feel like you are lacking anything, especially integrity, or pressure you into anything. Please keep posting here, there are a lot of folks on this forum who have walked in your shoes and they can be a great source of support and information.

Hi Allie, I am a adoptive parent, so I have not been in your shoes. I usually don't post on the birthparent forum but your post has soooo many red flags in it, that I felt compelled to. It sounds like you really like this couple, but I truly believe the agency you are working with sounds very unethical and does not have your best interest in mind. If you are set on adoption, please explore other agencies and options, there are a lot of good ones out there. Do not go to Utah. Moving you away from your friends and family is a tactic to separate you from your support system. You will need your support system when you give birth and had if you make the decision post-birth place your child. Moving you in with family of the Potential adoptive parents is another tactic to help persuade you not to change your mind. The fact that the agency even implied that you are "lacking integrity" is horrifying. I would drop them as fast as you can. Also Utah's adoption laws are not favorable to birth parents. They do not require consent of the birth father if you are unmarried and termination of your rights are irrevocable upon signing. In most states you have some time to change your mind after you sign. This is very important. And likely an important reason why they want you to move to UTAH. I don' t know what state you are in but chances are you will have a lot more rights and a lot more support if you just stay put. I am wishing you the best. I know this is a very scary and lonely time but do not let that agency move you, make you feel like you are lacking anything, especially integrity, or pressure you into anything. Please keep posting here, there are a lot of folks on this forum who have walked in your shoes and they can be a great source of support and information.

Hi Allie,I am a adoptive parent, so I have not been in your shoes. I usually don't post on the birthparent forum but your post has soooo many red flags in it, that I felt compelled to. It sounds like you really like this couple, but I truly believe the agency you are working with sounds very unethical and does not have your best interest in mind. If you are set on adoption, please explore other agencies and options, there are a lot of good ones out there. Do not go to Utah. Moving you away from your friends and family is a tactic to separate you from your support system. You will need your support system when you give birth and had if you make the decision post-birth place your child. Moving you in with family of the Potential adoptive parents is another tactic to help persuade you not to change your mind. The fact that the agency even implied that you are "lacking integrity" is horrifying. I would drop them as fast as you can. Also Utah's adoption laws are not favorable to birth parents. They do not require consent of the birth father if you are unmarried and termination of your rights are irrevocable upon signing. In most states you have some time to change your mind after you sign. This is very important. And likely an important reason why they want you to move to UTAH. I don' t know what state you are in but chances are you will have a lot more rights and a lot more support if you just stay put. I am wishing you the best. I know this is a very scary and lonely time but do not let that agency move you, make you feel like you are lacking anything, especially integrity, or pressure you into anything.Also if the agency is limiting your communicaiton with the PAPs now, it will may get worse after the adoption. Clear lines of communication are sooo important if you are considering maintaing communication after placing. The level of communication and/or visits you would like post-placement is something that you should be talking to the PAPs and the agency about. Please seek out other agencies, at least to know your options and rights. I know you like the PAPs but perhaps they could switch or you may find someone else you like even better. Please keep posting here, there are a lot of folks on this forum who have walked in your shoes and they can be a great source of support and information.

As a birthmother im going to be honest. I placed a lil girl for adoption almost 3 years ago & it has been by far the hardest thing I ever had to do. I wish one person out of everyone I talked to prior to placing her would have warned me of the primal guilt that no amount of phone calls or pictures would ever assuage. No one ever told me that "open" adoption isnt' really open. The family can walk away at any moment they please and there is nothing you can do or say about it. This is what happend to me. 8 months after they took her they wrote and said they wanted no contact & if I did I had to go through their attorney. I was crushed. They made me feel like I deserved it because the moment I let her go, I became a mother who would abandon her own child, and that has irrevocably changed my own sense of myself. When my daughter left, I lost a piece of myself, part of my soul; it drained my fundamental sense of womanhood from me. Almost 3 years later, I still haven’t regained that sense. I have floundered alone all this time, feeling like I failed at motherhood completely. There just doesn't seem to be words for what I lost and can never get back, can never substitute for. Like you the social workers treated me horribly, now I wish I would have stood up for myself more. I wish I had an attorney representing me. I was unaware that I had the right to have separate representation by law & of course I was easier to manipulate so they never told me. I felt bullied by everyone too and the family refused to pay for medical procedures necesary to make sure the baby was ok. I had to take out a loan to pay for things. Had I had an attorney that wouldn't have happend to me. I didn't realize I was the one in control and I allowed everyone to toss me around and guilt trip me into giving into things I regret to this day. I know first hand how you feel, its like you're emotionally against the wall but dont be afraid to say something and voice your opinion. I would begin by telling the social worker you're going to find a private attorney to represent you & you see how quick they change the attitude they have torward you. You have to find the strength in you to voice your opinion and say no if something doesn't sit right if not for you for that lil baby inside you. Don't move and dont do anything you are not comfortable doing. We choose adoption out of love becaue an abortion would be easier in the short run than what you're going through. You have to deal with the post trauma the rest of your life, not them. I dont regret adoption, I just regret not sticking up for myself & my baby. Hope this helps a lil bit

Sweet91aw, Your best friend was only looking after your best interests. She was absolutely correct to tell you not to go to Utah unless you are fully covered under your father's health insurance. The reason is simple: Utah adoption agencies are notorious for bringing pregnant women in out of state, one of the main reasons being that you will not be eligible for Utah's Medicaid program. What that means is if you decide after your baby is born not to go through with your adoption plan, the agency will tell you that you are fully responsible for ALL expenses, including labor and delivery, nursery, hospitalization, airfare, the wage home, etc. It is a blatant coercive tactic that they're famous for. I really, really wish you had joined up here before leaving for Utah. (I'm assuming you've already gone there?)

I am a prospective adoptive parent, and live in Utah, and I wholeheartedly agree with the advice that you have gotten here. I specifically agree with not moving out of your home state and away from your support system. I refuse to work with any Utah based adoption professionals because of the common practice. I chose to work with a professional out of my home state.

Don't do it. A mother and baby were never meant to be separated. I hate myself for letting them take my baby away almost 27 yrs ago. Not a day goes by that I don't know it was the biggest mistake of my life.

Sweet, I am a prospective adoptive parent as well, and I'm appalled that you've been asked to leave your home and travel to the adoptive parents' home state. I'm with the other people who've posted. You have the right to have your child in your home state - the adoptive parents should come to YOU and deal with the interstate laws regarding adoption. After all, even with an adoption plan, there is the possibility that you will change your mind, which is perfectly acceptable. I'm sorry that you've been treated this way by the agency you're working with. My husband and I have had some questionable treatment by our agency too, my heart goes out to you. I don't know which state you are in, but when we had trouble with things our agency said, we talked to the department of human services in our state, and to independent counselors to help us stand up for our rights. You've said that you really like the prospective adoptive parents, but you should focus on your needs - this has to be right for you and your child.