Looking for Advice

You're right that you are responsible for maintaining the relationship BUT you can't forcer her bmom to do the same. As an adoptee, I would want to know that my parents kept the door open, and that they did their best to be honest about what they knew. I think I could have eventually processed that it was too "hard" for my Mom to see me, even if it did make me angry. I would have had a harder time with knowing she walked away, and came back 5 years later to have the door shut in her face. For me, it wouldn't have been about her, it would have been about her wanting to see me, and the idea that I would have had access to her if needed. (of course, that all comes from an adult perspective, and is hypothetical, since I'm from the closed era)I think Aparents who honor open adoptions rock. Your daughter's bmom certainly has presented some major obstacles. She may prove to be quite difficult, or disappear. The important thing for your daughter to know is that you never gave up on bmom, for your daughter's sake. The sister issue is going to be a tough one for her to understand. I'd be willing to bet they know, or at least have suspicions. Hopefully, bmom will feel stronger and more confident as time goes on, and things will turn out well!

I think aparents who honor open adoptions are doing what they are supposed to do and what is right and good for their child(ren). When I hear of aparents who don't honor them it sickens me. I truly don't think she'll disappear. She does not respond to me at times, but I trust that she will be around. As to her older daughters, they did ask her if she was pregnant but she said she was just getting fat. I do think she wants to be found out- she told me that has DDs OBC and other things in a box in her apartment. While only one of her older girls lives with her, so does her niece. I can't imagine they haven't poked around. I would so love for them to know for sure. I know it would hurt them that their mom lied. In the long run though, they would so love their baby sister and I would love to have them in our lives. We truly love fmom and she really is a great person. Like I told her, whether or not she is physically present in our lives, she is a huge part of our lives. She is forever DDs mother, and I am only a mother because of that fact.

Well, the way I look at it, she decided to create a life and bring it into the world. Her privacy ends where you daughter's life begins. Your daughter is a human being and her first mother not only has no right to try to make her a shameful secret or expect her to keep herself a secret, she owes her daughters and your daughter the full and honest truth about her existence, her origins, and their relationship. She accepted that obligation, which is only basic human decency, when she decided to give birth. Which she did, given that it is 2011 in the United States. There is no excuse for her to try to cheat her children and yours out of a key part of their identity and lives this way, which is what she is doing. In fact, it is, literally, sick behavior on her part as it is creating a truly toxic identity (secret) and relationship for your daughter. Your daughter's oldest sister is an adult. The other two soon will be. If it were me, I would start talking with the first mother yesterday about my daughter's integrity as a human being and what that means. About the importance of openness and honesty in a child's development and the sick, negative effects of secrecy and dishonesty. It all applies to her daughters, too. If she didn't come around, I would make a choice between a toxic relationship with her (which a secretive relationship would be) and opening the door to my daughter's sisters and honoring their humanity and right to know of their sister as they become adults. They may or may not do anything with the knowledge, but they have a right to it and your daughter has a right to it as well. It comes down to this: I hope I would not allow another human being to put their shame on my child and make it become a part of my child and her identity, adopted or not. I think that if the first mother can't deal with that, my daughter would be better off if she took a hike than if I conspired to make her somebody else's shameful secret. More importantly, I would not agree to keep a secret that is not mine to keep. My child's existence and identity, her right to know who her sisters are and theirs to know her, those are things that belong to them, not her first mother or me.

Thanks for responding Hadley. They are actually all adults now- the youngest sister just turned 18. I have been taking similar advice, and trying to educate fmom about development and shame and our daughter's right to know all of her identity. I sent her quotes from adult adoptee blogs and a documentary. This is how she came to finally tell me about biofather. My DH outright asked her when she planned to tell her daughters, and she said "soon." She says the girls had a traumatic loss the year before DD was born, and she felt they could not deal with this loss too at the time. I have told her that the longer she waits the harder it will be. We really think she is just waiting until she is "found out" and sh!t hits the fan. She was in 99% denial during her pregnancy (her words) and made no plan at all. She says she does this in life, just doesn't take action until she is forced to. I plan to ask her to bring DDs sisters to her birthday party which is just about 6 weeks away. The shame is eating fmom up too. I know she is the one who made the choice, but she has no one at all to talk to about this except us. And we have her baby so that makes discussions about regret and pain tough, even though I tell her that I can hear all of that (and I mean it). Thanks again for you POV. I have gotten such different perspectives from Aparents and bparents, but the perspective I seek most is that of adoptees. It is ALL about my daughter. ETA Hadley i thought you were an adoptee till I checked your profile page. Still appreciate your POV.

I'm an adoptee and I was going to say something along the lines of the longer she waits the harder it will be. I am a secret baby from the 60s (I was conceived/born overseas while my bmother was on a working holiday; I think she was too scared to tell her mum) and my bmother took her secret to the grave - I would only have been 16 at the time (she was 39). Even though I understand fully in my own bmother's case why she couldn't tell anyone about me, it has made it hard as an adult because I can never get any real idea how she felt about things after the adoption. It was also a shock for her family (her brothers and nieces) though they have been wonderful since I contacted them last year. In a way, your daughter's bmother's story has helped a bit in understanding what I find disturbing about some aspects of adoption, i.e sometimes it is seems that when a woman presents to an agency wanting to go ahead with an adoption plan because she has certain problems, adoption seems to be used as a bandaid, i.e. instead of forcing the emom to face her problems and work out a viable way of parenting her child, her problems are taken at face value and the adoption goes ahead without the problems ever being faced. Note that I am not saying this happens all the time but it does seem to still happen. For example, if an emom presents to an agency saying that they want to place their child because they don't want anyone to know about the child, doesn't anyone care why? Didn't anyone tell her how unfair that will be on the child and on her other children? It doesn't matter how intent the emother is on adoption being the answer, she needs someone to help her see the whole picture. People get into mindsets when they are scared and they can think a certain answer is the perfect answer and can be too scared to look at other options. (I understand that mindset thing because it has happened to me in some other aspect of my life and I am glad that I was able to get out of it, otherwise it would have been worse). To me, no agency should accept a mother (especially one from/with a loving family) who wants to place out of shame, either some way should be found to tell the family or some way should be found for her to raise the child (i.e. if there aren't further complications like incest etc). Fairly obviously, I am not talking about all agencies nor am I talking about all birthmothers. Everyone's story is different. Your child's bmom sounds like a lovely lady and it is sad that she felt the need to hide her baby. Btw I think you might be right about hoping the secret comes out. Sometimes it can be a real relief when a secret comes out.

I see a reply listed on the fron page of the Adult Adoptee subforum, but when I click on come to the thread, it is not here. I am new to this forum, does that mean the poster deleted it? I was able to see a few lines, would love to read the whole post!

It may be on another section of the adult adoptee forum...maybe general adoptee support? You can try to search for the thread if you remember the name of it.

Thanks, it was this thread, but when I clicked the link the post was not here.

Hi Taony, that was me, sorry. When I read your original post again, I realised that what I had to say wasn't really relevant so I deleted it.

Thanks caths- I thought I was losing it. Although I think anything you have to say is important, and I'd love to hear it.