Advice about siblings

Hello, I'm an adult adoptee my adoptive parents have always been honest with me about the adoption every time i had a question they would answer as best they could. When i was 28 I decided to search for my biological family they helped me in anyway that they could they even put me in touch with the lady that cared for my bio mom durning pregnancy. I think it's better that he does know, he won't understand now but when he get older he will. I felt bad for searching for my bio family but my adoptive mom told me its human nature to want to know where you come from. I had a lot of anger growing up just because I didn't understand i thought something was wrong with me, but my mom always stood by my side no matter what. My adoption is closed so it was much harder to find out any info. Maybe write him a letter that explains everthing and give it to him when he starts asking question. It's better to know then not to know. I have recently found my bio mom she has two children I have contacted her but she won't admit it but she wants to stay in contact with me. tell him everything when the time is right he will thank you for always being honest.

I don't know what to suggest. I'm an adult adoptee.. I was told at 12 I was adopted... I was also told I had two brothers that she kept... The older and younger.... I knew I came in between, and it always hurt me that she had kept them and not me.. I wondered why I wasn't good enough..Just another side....

I'd say tell him. He might find it tough, but it is better than him not knowing until he actually meets his mother and discovers then.

I am an adult adoptee that was given up as an infant. My a mom told me when I was 18 that I had a full blood brother that the b mom had kept. We were a year apart. 18 was plenty early enough for me to find out about it. It was still quite a shock even at that age. Actually I would have been ok had I never been told. It is VERY hurtful to find out that you were the one given up, no matter what the reason is, it still hurts. Makes a child think they are to blame or there was something wrong with them or they were unwanted (which we deep down know is true or we would be there with them). He may not say so but he'll be thinking it, I guarantee. If birth mom isn't connecting back now and its a semi open adoption (as mine was), I wouldn't push it at all. She may not want any contact anymore and is giving you the hint. The book idea is nice. But don't give it to him too soon. Just my opinion from my own personal experience. You sound like a kind and loving Mom, hes lucky to have you. Thats the most important thing just love him and make sure and tell him that you love him. Kids need to hear it said especially adopted kids.

I mean't to mention that I always knew that I was adopted, just wasn't told about brother till 18. I also grew up with an adopted brother and he was and always will be my brother. More so than my bio brother. Sad but true, you just can't recreate childhood when you meet an adult sibling. Your brother or sister are the ones you grew up with.

My dd is 11 and she has two full brothers, one older and one younger. She was placed because she was born missing some bones in her legs. It does not slow her down much here, but in her home country it would have been very different. She knows all this, we have been honest with her, but it still hurts sometimes. In our case she flat out asked and I would not lie to her. She feels a Morah does that her "real" brothers are my three sons she is being raised with. She does want to meet her first parents someday. She is not sure if she wants to meet her brothers. The part she does not know yet (she hasn't asked and I have not brought it up) is that her brothers don't know she exists. Her extended family and her older brother were all told she was stillborn. I will tell her one day, just not sure when.

Absolutely put it in his life book, so he always knows. There's a way to make a positive story out of it, a sort of fairy tale. "She had two boys, and when she found out she was going to have a 3rd, she began to think. What would this little boy want to be when he grew up? An astronaut? A forester? A doctor? A lion tamer? The guy in charge of the United Nations? She went to her cupboards and looked in there. Not much food. She looked in her piggy bank, just a few coins. She knew she could take care of two little boys, even tho sometimes they didn't have enough to eat... but what if her third little boy had big dreams? She wouldn't be able to pay for him to go to astronaut school, or buy him a lion to tame, or buy him a house in the forest so he could take care of it, or send him to doctors school, or to travel to the United Nations. She knew there were families where the mommy and daddies were crying every night because they wanted a little boy, just one little boy. And she thought, what if I could talk to one of those mommies and daddies? What if they could promise my little boy that if he wanted to tame lions, they would help him to do that? What if my little boy wanted to be a forester, and they would help him to do that? What if he wanted to be a doctor and they could pay for his school to learn that? What if they could take him traveling to learn about the United Nations? Or to see the penguins in Antartica? What if they had a beautiful room, and lots of toys, and lots for food for him? And if he came to them, they would quit crying every night, and start smiling all day long? And they would love him and love him, and I would love him and miss him, and his brothers would love him and miss him, but he would be happy in his beautiful room with his wonderful parents.So she started looking, and looking and looking... and she found us! And you came to live here, and we love you so much, and we are smiling every day because you are here. And we have a family that's different than some people's, and the same as some people's, and we are thankful for your tummy mommy every day, for giving you life and finding our home for you to live in."You could change details to suit you... and talk about it in a less ritualized story format, and answer questions about it as he ages.--ps Probably the reason she's not contacting you is that it would just be more painful for her. It's unbelievably hard to live with.

I love this! My adoptive mom was a master story teller. Everything in my life was a beautifully orchestrated fairy tale designed to teach me how to successfully navigate life, despite my 'why's' and 'how comes'. This form of teaching is both nurturing and educational. Kudos to you Alys1!

Alys has the right idea - some version of the "bparents too poor to look after child so they needed to give their baby to childless rich people" tale seems the way to go. When the child is older, they may ask why no-one was able to help their bparents but that is a story for another day :).

Tell and tell asap, if you don't it may come to bite you.