Complicated birth mother reality

I don't necessarily think we always have to come up with explanations for things that we can't truly explain. I dealt with questions for which I didn't know the answers. Sometimes, I think it okay to say, "I don't know. It's not something I can explain."

That is true. I would also explain that the situation in Korea is not quite the same as the US. My take on Korean adoption (after reading quite a few things about it a while ago) is that the situation there is not dissimilar to what the situation was in the US 40 years ago, i.e. the main reason for relinquishment in Korea seems to be a mixture of shame/lack of resources. I have read though that things are definitely improving in that regards, expectant unmarried moms seem to be getting more choice available to them now. There is also the theory that adoption in Korea was originally a manufactured solution (i.e. until the first agency went into Korea, the thought of placing their child for adoption hadn't even crossed most Korean women's minds). Actually I work with a girl who is also adopted (funnily enough out of the 5 reception/typists in our x-ray dept, 3 are adopted). J is the same age as me though born in a different state. In her state, private/semi-open adptions could take place up to mid 1964. Her birthmother relinquished 3 of her 6 children when they were born (J's aparents took 2 of them at the time of their birth (i.e at separate times)). All 3 children met their bmother as soon as they turned 18 and have a good relationship with her. What the situation was is that J is from a large mining town in her state. J's bmom was married to a violent man who was a miner whom she saw for about 2 months out of the year. The three children she parented were his, the other three were fathered by other men - she didn't really want to relinquish them but he would have beaten her up if she hadn't (and he probably would have mistreated these children) so she placed them instead. It is very easy to say why didn't she leave him but it wasn't that easy back then. No doubt you might think "that is the past". However, you did ask about a situation where a woman might place 3 children in separate situations and still care about them and I am just offering a real life scenario, there is no doubt that J's birthmom cares very much for J and her other 2 "placed" siblings. Also as mentioned above, shame and lack of resources is still a situation for many Korean women when it comes to their reasons for placing their child for adoption. There isn't the poverty like many other countries but it still doesn't mean unmarried Korean women had lots of options available to them. Even though it might not have been your intention, I do feel a bit as you may also be judging her for having 3 children by 3 different men. Even though I was the only child my bmother placed for adoption (I was her first and only living child conceived/born whilst on working holiday overseas in mid 1960s), she was pregnant 3 times to 3 different men (she was in relationship with 2nd man (stilborn twins), she was married to 3rd man (2nd/3rd trimester foetal demise). Many people would assume therefore that she was "loose". They would be wrong. She was in fact severely judged for her 2nd pregnancy (it was early 1970s in a small country town). My impression of her is that ideally she would have liked to have been like every other woman she knew, i.e. married with children to the one man - things didn't turn out that way. The point of my story is that quite often the truth isn't what you might think. It is best not to judge to conclusions until you know the full story.

My point was not to be judgmental or non-judgmental, my point was that it's difficult to explain something like that to an 8 yo, whose worldview is rather limited at this point. I am not "jumping to conclusions"; the BM gave birth to one of the other children in a parking garage. Certainly her life is hard. The other moms and I have guessed that there may be some mental health issues and/or addiction issues. She may be a sex worker. I don't know, and as far as I'm concerned all those things are morally neutral. If any or all are true, however, it IS sad and unfortunate. And yes, I'm aware of the history and reasons for relinquishment in Korea.

Laurijist, your point may not have been to be judgmental or non-judgmental, I meant to say it "sounded" that way rather than you "felt" that way even though I did say I didn't think that was your intention, so I apologise for that. My point about Korea was just to bring the fact that the situation in Korea is different to the US into the explanation. I think the PP's idea is best i.e just be honest and say you can't really explain as you don't really have all the facts. Perhaps I was just slightly rubbed up the wrong way by the word "fiction" in the original post i.e. "There is not much information available on the birthmom, but one can surmise that her circumstances are far from the "your parents loved you but were too poor to take care of you" fiction that is essentially what my daughter (and son) believe.". It may well be "fiction" in your daughter's case but is not necessarily fiction in many other adoptee's cases. Actually, even given the scenario you have quoted, it may not be a total fiction in your daughter's case (i.e her bmother may well be poor (I doubt she is a high class escort) and she may well care about her children or at least care that they are well looked after).