Open Adoption Struggles

I really hope to get some reply's. I am not trying to "be right" . . . I'm looking for answers so we can all be happy, realistically so . . .

bumping for the saturday group

I think it can be different for everyone and in every situation. For me the level of openness seems to be pretty comfortable for both me and my son's parents, but may not work for others. Keep in mind he is only 10 months so we're still finding our way. For me what it looks like is visits every two months or so, with emails and pictures sent between visits. My son's aparents don't write a lot of updates (our emails are mostly around scheduling visits), and although for me knowing when big milestones happen (like when he first crawls, walks, talks, etc) would be great, I realize they might not tell me all of that but I'll find out about it at the next visit. They have invited me to big events in J's life, his baptism, and in a couple months his first birthday. They have made it clear I can come if I'm comfortable but if I would prefer to try to have more private visits they would be willing to do that instead. I usually try to go to the big events because I love seeing him with his extended family (especially his cousins). At this point I think I would be hurt if they didn't at least try to make an effort to see me around the holidays or around his birthday. I also would have a hard time if I wasn't invited to J's big events - what I mean is I'm not expecting an invite to the family Christmas, but I do expect to be included in J's first birthday celebration. I think in part those expectations come from their past actions. They invited me to J's baptism before we even left the hospital, so now if they pulled back from inviting me I would feel like I had done something wrong unless they specifically talked to me about it and explained why they couldn't invite me. Maybe it has nothing to do with me, but not telling me that would make it harder to process. We don't talk on the phone, don't do facebook, and don't really text. For us most of our interaction is during the visits (another reason we probably have as many as we do). I hope this answers your questions. I wasn't completely sure what you were looking for.

Thank you , that was helpful.

Libby - You might get more replies if I move this to the "Communication between A & Bparents"?Let me know if you'd like me to do that. :)

Sounds like a good idea Crick, TY

Hello Libby, I'm not sure as to when you posted this as the site is not showing me a date and I am a new member. I am not sure how much I can help you, but I am a birthmom in a semi-open adoption. What specifically are you trying to find out? For starters, the adoptive parents and the birthmother are supposed to decide together how "open" the adoption will be, but it is the adoptive parents who have the final say and choice.

Recent Thread . . . I want to know what you as a birthparent would want in your open adoption. Realistically. Maybe you already have the details worked out, and it's not quite what you had hoped . . . what did you hope for? Maybe it's all you hoped for, what kind of contact do you have?

My adoption was a very closed one that took place almost 39 years ago, so I can't speak out of my own experience. The daughter of a cousin of mine placed her child in an open adoption and then pulled back almost immediately. I think that for her it was too painful so she shut down. Over the years I think there has been more contact. My impression is that the aparents have consistantly done what they promised in sending updates, etc. Even when she didn't seem to respond. From what I read, open adoption is never easy and requires a lot of work from both sides. Like any relationship, there are ups and downs and when we don't have answers we make assumptions about the other side which may or may not be accurate. I wish you well.

Hi Libby,Although I cannot speak for all birthmothers', I can tell you how I feel and my perception of other birthmother's feelings that I have come across. I think in general that birthmothers just really want their child to know where they came from and to be able to see their children grow from afar. Although I do not have a real relationship with my AP's & only get pictures, I can tell you what I am really looking for in my AP's if they do decide to come around once I write them. I know that I would like to know things in our daughter's every day life and specific things about her - what is her personality like, what is her favorite color, tv show and does she like to sing - is she good at it? What does her speaking voice sound like? I want to feel secure in knowing that I can be friends with the AP's and them be secure that they can be friends with me. I want them to feel secure in knowing that I do not want to take our child off of them or secretly wish that our child likes me better than them. Most birthmoms I have talked to and heard what their actual situations were, want to talk to the AP's and see their child periodically whether it be once a month or every six months depending on what arrangement is. In the interim - phone calls, emails, letters, text - whatever form of communication is preferable or what you decide together that works for everyone. That means both ways - the AP's discussing what's going on in their lives & our child's as well as us being able to talk about what's going on in ours. I know a huge thing for me is not wanting to have the fear that if my AP's don't approve of what I do in my personal life based off what personal information I choose to share, or even about how our child was brought into this world, that I will not be judged by them or feel insecure that what I do in my personal life will depend on what level of relationship I will be permitted to have with our child. In addition, I don't want the AP's to think that I am judging them either. The discussions between us do not have to be very in depth - it just all depends on everyone's comfort level. I do not want to know how my AP's are specifically raising my child as far as the logistics go. Knowing that she goes to dance class and is in karate is good enough for me. One thing I can suggest is that maybe write some kind of journal or book dating and showing our child's milestones and important, monumental and growing times in their life. A few more thoughts I want to leave you with - just remember that the relationship between you and the birthmom will constantly be ever changing. You won't always feel warm towards each other or like you want to talk to or see each other at the moment in time that you told the birthmom 3 weeks ago would be a good time to talk or see each other. We are expecting that you don't cancel just because you are feeling this way at the moment because there may be a chance that we are feeling the same way too as well, but the factor that we are supposed to talk or see each other, trumps any uneasiness we may feel. Other times you are going to be ecstatic to see each other. Expect lots of awkwardness. These are just growing pains and normal. Your relationship will go up and down over time and your feelings will change constantly even though you don't want them to. I hope that this is a good basis of what you were looking for and that this post leaves you well.

The best advice ever given to me was that WE were the parents of achild and we were in the driver's seat when it came to contact. Sometimes in our desire to honor bmom we create a toxic environment for our child to grow up in. If something doesn't feel right, ask yourself why.

I am seven months pregnant with a little boy and he is being placed for adoption by a couple who I have come to love very much. We are doing an open adoption. Our idea of this is that there will be pictures and letters and he will have a relationship (play dates and phone conversations) with my two children. When I first contacted the adoptive parents, we all agreed that letters and pictures would be how we kept the adoption open but as we've gotten to know each other, we have become very close friends. Because of this, there will be some contact between the baby and myself when we visit but they're in New York and I'm in Texas. Most of the contact will just be his mom and me talking on the phone because we have become friends. We have agreed because our relationship is so unique, we will utilize the adoption agency as a third objective party if issues ever come up. I view this baby as theirs and am so excited for them to become parents. They are so amazing and will be such good parents to this baby and they are truly wonderful people. I don't have the struggles I imagine many birth mothers have I think. I feel no conflicting emotions about the adoption, no sense of "this hurts but it's the best thing for the baby." Honestly, my main motivation for the adoption is I do not want another child at all. I've never heard a birthmother say her main reason for adoption is because she didn't want a baby but that's my reason. Of course I made sure he would have a great family and take care of myself so he'll be healthy but I feel so much relief that there are such great people to adopt him. I view the situation as a very close friend having a baby. I'd like to see the kiddo and my friends to catch up but the interest is more in my friendship with the parents than seeing the child, though I'm sure I'll enjoy him. If the parents and I hadn't become such good friends, I would figure an open adoption would be letters, pictures, and if the child asked at some point, MAYBE some sort of contact. Counselors and the agency are great to use as a third party when issues come up or if the adoptive parents or birth mother have some sort of conflict.

I wanted a lot... We already have three children and I wanted J to know them. We have planned for 3 guaranteed visits a year with more possible, monthly pictures - videos - and updates, 2 scrapbook pages a year and all the contact the babies want with each other as they grow... that being said J is now 6 months and 5 days old and we have seen him once since he was born... I cant do it - I just knew I would want to see him all the time and be a part of everything I could but I still havent figured out how to tone the emotions down so visits could be productive for all of us... I dont know how to let go of the jealousy when I see how J looks at his mommy or how much of a stabbing feeling I get in my heart when I call her that... Whatever you plan for just keep in mind that emotions can play a big part in how things turn out... I do want my three visits a year - but not until I think I can make it through a visit without sobbing the whole time

Hi,I am a birth mother and I have a great relationship with my adoptive family. We all had such realistic expectations, but not at first. I think I didn't know how this all was supposed to happen so I wanted to see her every week! I then realized that would be hard for her adoptive parents to feel like a family. I see her once a month currently, and we have BBQs and just sit and play with her and its very "friends" coming together to socialize and catch up on the pasts months activities. Recently she attended my brothers wedding and it was very natural and a happy occasion. I am younger so I do have a lot of other things in my life with friends and University now so sometimes we miss a month, but that's life sometimes. My mom and my brother come with me to all the visits and its a very natural and beautiful thing we have. I always wondered if people had the luxury I do, if it was even normal or abnormal. I just joined yesterday because shes now 6 years old and is asking questions and I needed some guidance from others who are in my situation. I think open adoption is a beautiful thing, however, it may not be for everyone. I would get hurt if they cancelled a visit and were to busy to reschedule, I would try not to take it personally, I think my mom took it harder than I did haha. We all love each other and they never feel threatened by me and we joke all the time about how I should have another baby for them..my mom doesn't think that's so funny ha! It could go one way or another but even the fact I see her every month doesn't make them feel like less of parents, I dont feel like a parent..I am still a young adult and I think that helped. I might of rambled a bit there, sorry! Hope this gave you some insight on someone else's situation. Good luck :)