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Hi all,
Reading a lot on this forum has motivated me to reach out to my AD's birthmom.
A little back story-
AD was our foster daughter who came to us at 4 months old, birthmom did not complete a case plan, and we adopted her shortly after her 2nd birthday (she had been with us the entire time)
Birthmom has had my email address since AD came into foster care, but has only contacted me once in over 2 years.
I mailed AD's 2 year old pics back in October with an update, but haven't heard anything from birthmom. I know for a fact that she is still living at the same address.
So today I decided to write another update via email to birthmom, just incase she lost my email address or something.
But I'm kind of at a loss as to what to write. Part of the reason I am so hesitant is because the family has NOT accepted that their child has been adopted (birthmom, her mom and dad all live together)
Two questions for birthparents (or anyone wanting to give their opinion)
- do you think waiting from October til now is enough time that I'm not bombarding them with updates or "rubbing it in" (which was what someone had suggested to me before)?
- what kind of stuff do you really put in the update? Just ramble on about the child? That's what I've basically done, but I wasn't sure if maybe I could include some artwork, etc. I just don't know how this should work with such a withdrawn birthmom.
Thanks in advance for your help!
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I would just let her know you were thinking about her today and wanted to let her know how the child is doing. Sometimes it's easier to just have a basic scheule in your head of when you want to send updates: around her birthday and around Christmas, for example. Even if you are not obligated to follow a schedule, it might help you just to know when to expect to sit down and do it. :) I always talk about the kids favorite activities (without giving specifics, we live in the same town), favorite shows and movies, foods, etc. Things they are loving right now. I let them know how the kids are doing in school, special achivements, trips we took, etc. Our youngest has asthma and the bios have been asked family history about that, so I include how the breathing has been going, etc. I tend to keep it pretty short and simple. I worry about paining a rosy picture, but so what if I do? I don't want to talk to them about how my kids are in special services because of them, therapy because of them, etc. So if I want to stay away from blaming them, I just don't cover those topics. Good luck! And I think it's awesome you are reaching out.
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Most of the birthmom's here did not lose children through DCYF, so their answers might vary.
This issue has been a challenge with our adoption. J's other mom got irate when I mentioned she'd been in therapy (she had a "right to know" what was being said; how come she wasn't involved? ) early on. She seemed unhappy when I sent a grainy video of dd doing gymnastics ("can't hardly tell who she is").
Over the past year, I've found something that works for us (occasional, informal quick notes... "J got a great report card", "J hugged a dolphin in the Bahamas".. "J just graduated to the next level in gymnastics"). it seems to help that its not a wall of information and that I seem to have thought of her when something happens
One other thing I've done - though I'm not sure it's ever read - i set up a website with (mostly) monthly updates of our activities and pictures of our activities. Its there if she wants it, but its not as forced as an email. (I can pm you a link if you'd like)
if nothing else, it captures our events for J.
My son's placement sounds very different from yours, so I can't really answer how she might feel about more contact. I know I personally can't get enough letters and pictures.
What I will say is I've heard what wcurry suggests working really well in situations similar to yours.
Setting up a blog or website that you can easily post to (even a shared folder on someplace like flickr or kodakgallery) can allow her access when she wants and allows you to update when you have something to tell her. This idea of passive communication can mean on a day she's feeling really good about the adoption she can look to see if you've put up updates. This also gives you a chance to include the big things, but include more of the little things, which as a bmom that's what I really love, to hear the little ways my son is unique and what his quirks are.
I would say the big negative is keeping up with it without knowing if she's been to look at it (or maybe knowing she hasn't looked at it). But it can become a sort of scrapbook for your little one as she grows.
Thanks for your comments.
As I suspected, she has not responded. I was thinking I would do the blog thing if she responded, and just shoot her a quick email back giving her the blog address.
But honestly, I haven't heard one word from her since her rights were terminated in July 2010.
I sent a big packet of birthday pictures and a long update in October to her. And then I just emailed that update on March 15.
I am going to just let it rest for now. She knows how to contact me, and if she forgets, she knows that she can contact our county DHS and they will contact me.
I would say that it would probably be best to just let it wait until bmom decides she wants updates again. Some people just want to move on. Personally, I would've done everything possible to get updates about my son through the years so I do not understand. I wanted to know everything and got nothing.
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I did try everything to get updates on my son, I was told one thing before the papers were signed and the agreement stood for about 2 years, my son is now 16 and we have just this week been reunited via facebook and he is texting me, his amom can't stand me and will not speak to me, the last thing she said to me was I was never going to tell him, I didn't send you pictures because I didn't want to, I wanted to raise him my way and if I sent pictures I feel I couldn't raise him how I wanted. That is one selfish person right there. But anyhoo, I would have and tried everything to get ANYTHING....