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Cam and I were in line, checking out at Target. The cashier was being very friendly and chatty, when she stopped and said:
"Who is her mother?"
Because I am extremely slow on my feet, my first reaction, GUT reaction was "how does she know Cam's first mom???" right after that brain fart, I sputtered:
"I am her mother..."
Poor woman looked taken aback for a moment, then said "oh, well she looks just like a kid in my daughter's class...she's just so cute!"
For the last 13 months I have always thought I would be highly offended to have someone question me about being Cam's mom. I am still a bit surprised at my reaction, and not sure what to do with it. It's been many, many months since I first felt that DEEP connection to Cam. In fact, we were on another shopping trip a few months back when there was another gut reaction. This time it was a thought that "no wonder Cam does that, she has my genes.....oh wait. Duh." Like I had just somehow forgotten that I did not birth this child, lol.
Any moments like that for anyone else? I am not questioning my love or connection to Cam, but what the heck was my first reaction about? It's not even possible anyone would know Cam from being with fmom, because she and Cam never left the hospital together. Not as if she had been see gadding about town, ya know?
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One of my parenting magazine had something about how to determine how tall you children would be. It had a formula to use and it had to do with dad's height and mom's height.....so after about thirty seconds of trying to figure out how tall our kids would be....I realized that it would probably not work. Oops.
It's interesting how those things can crop up. Like MagicHat, I wonder if it was the way the question was phrased and the fact that you were caught off guard. It seems more common to be asked, "Is that your child?" than "Who is her mother?" - which assumes that you are not the mother rather than asking if you are or not. In the back of your mind is the fact that she does have another mom and since you were not expecting the question, that's where your mind went. Most of the time, when I've been asked a question like that, it's routine and I have a pat answer. But I've been caught off guard, too and ended up sounding and feeling awkward.
the way the question was worded was weird.....I have to say. *this coming a person that the "worst" way I've heard this question is 'is that your child'?*
As we get more years in I'm sure good answers will naturally start to come to us.....don't worry! Sometimes people ask things in an awkward manner.
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ladyinred3333
One of my parenting magazine had something about how to determine how tall you children would be. It had a formula to use and it had to do with dad's height and mom's height.....so after about thirty seconds of trying to figure out how tall our kids would be....I realized that it would probably not work. Oops.
It happens. There have been times when I have forgotten that DS is not my blood. I remember a few times talking about health risk factors at the doctors office. My best friend at work still teases me to this day about the time I said "As a black person, I can't tell you how offended I am by that." When she challenged me on how that could be, I swear for at least 30 seconds I thought she was asking why it was offensive. Really she was asking why I thought I was black. I guess my mind was thinking about how my black son would feel about it and since he is my son, I must be black too!
Nevada Jen
It happens. There have been times when I have forgotten that DS is not my blood. I remember a few times talking about health risk factors at the doctors office. My best friend at work still teases me to this day about the time I said "As a black person, I can't tell you how offended I am by that." When she challenged me on how that could be, I swear for at least 30 seconds I thought she was asking why it was offensive. Really she was asking why I thought I was black. I guess my mind was thinking about how my black son would feel about it and since he is my son, I must be black too!
This evening, my mom asked if my son would like some blueberries. I told her Ty didn't like them and she said maybe it was just because he'd only ever had frozen ones. My response was, "I don't know. I don't like them either. I guess he gets it from me." Never mind that I didn't even raise him, let alone give him my genes. I haven't had a whole lot of "whose kid is that?" kinds of questions, but I've definitely had students, coworkers and even some family members give the distinct impression that they believe he's not my "real" son.
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I could see myself wording a question like that not even thinking about how it came across if I was convinced I knew the kid and the kid's mom. It sounds like she was convinced she knew the kid and was really asking 'How do you know them?' This coming from the person who in high school play punched a guy (but still kinda punched hard) that I just knew was one of my friends. Turns out he was a complete stranger. Talk about embarrassing (sp?).
Originally Posted by Nevada JenThat's AWESOME! Made me crack up, too :) Your connection must be very strong!
It happens. There have been times when I have forgotten that DS is not my blood. I remember a few times talking about health risk factors at the doctors office. My best friend at work still teases me to this day about the time I said "As a black person, I can't tell you how offended I am by that." When she challenged me on how that could be, I swear for at least 30 seconds I thought she was asking why it was offensive. Really she was asking why I thought I was black. I guess my mind was thinking about how my black son would feel about it and since he is my son, I must be black too!
Mannerisms and approaches can definitely correspond between parent and child, no matter what the difference in biology is. I mean, i'm biologically asian and my parents are very european looking, but we all smile the same way. I got my Mom's sense of humor, got my Dad's fortitude. The whole family agrees that my brothers and i all share personality traits and skills!
That lady worded that so strangely, and a little rudely, i think. It actually sounds a little accusational to me, but she was probably just confused and didn't mean to be offensive.
I have both bio and adopted, and I forget. One time a friend was pregnant and she was asking me about my labor's. So I told her how long I had been in labor with my first two and went on to dd and for several seconds I was wracking my brain trying to remember how long I had been in labor with her before I remembered that I didn't give birth to her (didn't even meet her til she was 9 months old) Not too long ago someone asked me at what age my youngest sat up by himself. Again I was wracking my brain trying to remember, but I didn't meet him till he was six years old, so I had no idea, LOL. I just figured it was my blondness coming out, glad to know I am not alone.
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Wording is everything. I've gotten "Who is her Mother?" "Are you the Nanny?" and "Who are you to her?" And I've stammered myself at times with these.
S gets so aggravated now with it she just screams to people "MY MOMMY!!" everywhere we go, she's 2 I can only imagine how this will be when she gets older.
My husband and I were laughing about this very recently too :) We have 6 kids. 4 adopted, 2 bio. Three of our four were adopted as older kids but our fourth came to us as a newborn and quite honestly I DO forget. I never thought i would - I am an "experienced" adoptive mom. But every once in a while I will be brushing her hair and think "oh look she got my cowlick" or completely forget that we are different races and have to consciously stop and think when someone questions us. We have the added issue that our daughters bio family is very local to us in our small community and when someone comes up to me and asks "who is her mom" they actually DO mean who is her BIO mom and more often than not they know her, and recognize my girls from the pictures she shares. :) Mind warp sometimes :)