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Twenty five years..twenty five years ago, I was 19 years old. I made a choice that impacted my life in such a way that its indescribable. Every year on your birthday I spend hours here looking to see if you are even looking for me. Are you one of the people who viewed the thread? I just wonder. I love you. I did not give you up for adoption because I did not want you. The circumstances I was living under, made it impossible to give you a good life. And you deserved the best that life could offer and that was not with me. I wasn't a party girl and gave you up and life went on. My soul is tortured, my heart is scarred. My life is incomplete. I just wish you would reach out to me. Even if you reach out to me to just talk to your sister, yes, your full blood sister. I married your father, we are still together and we had one more child, your sister. She knows about you and so wants you to be a part of her life. You are her big brother.
I have photo's from the time I had with you. One of them sits on a shelf so I can see you at all times. Things would be different if your adoptive parents kept up their end. But they did not. I guess it was out of fear. They never said. And all the lawyers involved are retired, and one is passed on, the law offices changed names, so you will have hard time finding me. I pray you look here.
I think back on how many relatives have passed, and how you will never know them, and every brings me more and more to the realization that maybe I will pass and I will never have seen you. It scares me. Do you even know you were born in New Mexico? Does your birth certificate say you were born in New York? I imagine it does but I can get no concrete answers.
Maybe you are married and you have a wife who is searching on your behalf. Maybe she will stumble on this. Please know this if you know nothing else. You are loved and wanted. You are thought of daily, not just on today.
You are not a dirty little secret in your blood family. You will be welcomed with open arms. Please God, let him look for me. Yes, I know that God does not troll forum posts, but that is what is in my heart and spoken aloud and in prayer. I pray for safety and good health and success for you. I love you son. I love you, I miss you, and I suffer. I know you have a thousand questions and I will answer everything you need to know. Please reach out, I know it is scary, but I will take it from there.
Happy birthday to my sweetheart. My first love. My heart.
I will forever and always be your mother. And I will go to my grave loving you.
(Go to the search under New Mexico, for other posts I have made thru the years.)
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Today was another day, just spent thinking of you. Wondering, if I will ever see your face again in my lifetime or will I die without reuniting with you. This plagues me. And it has for 25 years. My health is not the best. I've undergone four operations on my spine and they just keep coming. I'm not getting better. I wish you could have met me years ago. When I was physically able to get around and be fun and energetic. I don't work anymore. It's physically impossible. Not that I'm looking for sympathy, because that's not it. I just regret it. I regret so many things.
My niece who was put up for adoption, well, her father died in October at 45. He never gave up looking for her. Now when my sister finally finds her it will be alone, without her daughters father. With only memories and photo's to give her. And I wonder, is that what is in store for me? That you will reunite with your sister after I am dead and gone? Only photo's for you to see your father and me? And it actually has been on my mind even before Joe died.
You have a huge family. And everyone thinks of you. With the death of every relative its clear on what you have missed. All the history and knowing. It's a huge eye opener. It only takes one time for you to reach out. You have all the cards. I can't find out anything. Because you were born in New Mexico and adopted in New York, I am not able to search for you like other people. The lawyers involved have dissolved their agencies and some passed on. I can't catch a break. All I can do is pray that you have my nosiness. I hope and pray I passed those genes on to you! Find me. Write me. Reach out. I'll take it from there. Just find it in your heart to reach out. You are loved. I don't want to take you away from your adoptive parents. That's not what I want. Isn't your heart big enough for two families? If you search your soul, I think the answer is yes. All my love to you sweet angel. Yesterday, today, and forever.
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Your little sister is getting married on Saturday. He's a good man, he is in the Navy. They knew each other for years from an online game we play. It's just so bittersweet. One of the things we would tell your Grandpa when he had the stroke was all the things he had to look forward to. We would tell him he needed to wake up so when Laur got married, he would be would be there for her. That he would put her future husband through the mill and make sure that he would never hurt her haha. And now, she is getting married, and your Grandpa isn't here.
I sometimes wonder if you are one of the people who reads my threads. I like to think that for some reason you are afraid to make contact. But that you see my words. I want to make sure I put them down, so if, by the time you find me, just in case, if it is too late and I am not living, you will at least have something that I left, just for you.
I know you can't die of a broken heart. And I would NEVER do what my father did. It's like someone dropped a bomb on our family and we are scattered and broken and bloody, crawling through hell trying to piece our lives back together again. Or maybe it's just me, your dad, and sister that feel like that. No, it's our entire family. My dad meant the world to me. No matter what, I could depend on him for anything. Any time of day, no matter what. But that's all in the past. It's odd, because I felt so safe knowing he was always there, and now, I can't explain it. But I don't feel that way anymore. I can't put it into words. I have this huge lump in my throat as I write this. I just want to burst out in tears. But that would piss your father off. And I have to keep it together for your sister.
If you are reading this, I'm begging you...begging, please, just reach out. I will do the rest. Don't be afraid. Don't let time run out. So all you will hear is memories of me, and pictures. I love you so much. I will die, loving you.