New and Need Advice and someone to talk to....

I hear your pain. Concentrate on healing at this point. Can you contact the agency (or whoever you placed through)? Have you had counseling? Grieving a child is hard work and often men and women handle grief differently. This is a hard time in the early days of placement. The adoptive parents have had a great change in their lives too (babies turn everyone's lives upside down!) Mostly we are hear to listen.

It is so hard, especially that first year when everything is so raw, and also all your hormones are readjusting and such. My grief was by far the most painful in that first year, and it felt like a death. I think it is crucial that you get counseling. It did help me a lot. Your bf is no doubt grieving too, but is probably afraid to show it. A lot of men feel they have to be "strong" and hold everything in. He might feel if he talks about his pain to you, he will be adding to yours. Do you have any close friends who would be supportive right now? What about family members? Are they understanding and able to be a source of support and comfort? It is also important for you to try as best as you can to take care of yourself and be patient and kind to yourself. This is not an easy thing to go through AT ALL, and you need to allow yourself the time to grieve, but also to be good to yourself. I can tell you what helped me get through the loss of my son. These things did not take away the pain, but helped me manage and work through the grief. Music was a huge thing for me. Just listening to certain songs over and over was something I did early on. I also wrote a lot. I kept a journal and wrote poems and letters to my son, and also wrote about my feelings. I got back to work as soon as I could. Having the routine of somewhere to go every day and something to distract me for awhile was necessary for me. At night I could cry and grieve, but during the day, I could focus my thoughts on something else. While you must get your sorrow out, I also feel you need to have some time to take a break from it, too, and any structured activity will do this. I realize you are not able to work right now, but are you able to get out at all, or are you homebound? Having injuries on top of everything else is really difficult. I hope you can heal from that soon and are cleared to work or at least able to get out a little bit each day. Exercise can help clear your mind and release tension and stress, but again, you will have to first heal from your injuries. Are you getting any physical therapy to help with this? Any form of creatve expression (artwork, playing music, singing, crafts, etc.) can help you express your feelings and also focus your mind on something healing. Anything you can do to treat yourself right now, even small things like a hot bath, a walk in the park, indulging in somthing nice for yourself, etc., even if it makes you happy for a minute or two, is beneficial. Getting out of the house with friends or anyone you feel close to or comfortable with is a good thing to do. You don't want to isolate yourself. Though you will need time alone to have a good cry and work through your grief, too much time alone is not good. Strive for a balance with this if you can. What kind of arrangement did you have with the adoptive parents? When is the last time you heard from them and when are you expecting to hear from them again? I am so sorry for your loss. Relinquishing a child is extremely painful, even if you felt it was the right thing to do. And I'm sorry your circumstances were so very difficult and you were faced with such a gut-wrenching decision . I have never been homeless and cannot imagine how hard that was for you to go through that while being pregnant. If you need to talk/vent/etc. we are here.

thanks for replying to my posts. ur advice is very appreiciated :)

not much but my moms moving in so ill probally have her to do stuff with and to talk to. me and my bf are supposed to have a visit the 26th of april but with the a-couple not returning my messages i fought that will happen. i will have to talk to the agency. thank you so much for your advice and for bein there :)

I'm sorry this hurts so much. I'm a birthmother whose adoption arrangement went from open to closed without my consent. The pain of surrender is as intense as the fear of further loss from a closed adoption. I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you what worked for me. I thought about Kelsey all the time, and was very depressed, shuffled off to other relatives. After surrender, there is a long grieving process... I was a pile of goo. Finally the possibility of reunion began to dawn on me. I decided I wanted to have a life I was proud of when Kelsey came back into my life. That got me out of bed every day. I knew the unhealthy relationships that were holding me back, and let them gradually fade out of my life. I worked hard at school, knowing every hour I spent studying was another notch up on the ladder. It was so important to me that she not be embarrassed by me. That was the positive reinforcement to work hard in school, hold a job, and do my best to pull myself out of dependence on others. Part of it was a sentence - I wanted to punish myself for being unable to care for her. I was ashamed that I couldn't keep her. I deserved to have no fun and work long hours. When I would get a bad grade (a B at that point), I would tell myself that with grades like that, I'd never have a life I could be proud enough to invite Kelsey back into. I don't think that was very healthy, but it worked. After a while, I was able to put both of those motivations aside. I had achieved for 2 years and decided from there on, my success would be because of what I want for me, not to impress Kelsey. She was about 5 then. Then my success flagged for a few years while I balanced that out. It took a long time for me to get motivated again. When she was around 10 I was able to find the gears that worked together, so to speak. I had taught myself how to succeed, stopped succeeding, then decided I preferred to succeed and started working harder again, for me. I hope that makes sense. Some days working hard meant getting dressed. That's all, and that was enough. If you push yourself to do one thing that you know is best for you, even if it makes you uncomfortable, you will break out of a negative cycle. A lot of people stay in unhappy lives because they're unwilling to make the changes they need to be healthy. It's not easy, but it's so worth it. People aren't born knowing how to stay happy - it takes a lot of work and sacrifice. But mostly what you're sacrificing is comfortable indulgent destructive behaviors. I hope you can find your strength again. It doesn't feel like it sometimes, but it takes incredible strength of character to make the decision you did. Stay strong, even when it's hard.

I really hope you got your visit.I also had the same arrangement with my bdaughter and once things were legal they basically phased me out alot.I was allowed to see her occasionally but she did not know who I was until a month ago. I know for me the last 12 years were very painful for me.Giving up a child is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.I applaud you for thinking of her best interest tho!! I would go and seek professional counseling, it helped me.Nothing will ever take that ache and pain away but it is very helpful to have someone to talk with!! Good Luck!!