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A couple of weeks ago I found out that my mom had given up a son in 1976 for adoption when she was still very young. Even though she wanted to keep the baby she had no support from the father of the baby and her parents wouldnt accept a child out of wedlock. I am 28 now, and itҒs been a huge shock, but in a sense I am so happy that she finally confided in me as for the first time in 28 years I can finally understand my mom. Dont get me wrong, sheҒs a fantastic mom and I love her to bits, but this has obviously been eating away at her for years and shes kept it bottled up for 35 years, for instance I could never understand why she wouldnҒt speak or have anything to do with my gran (her step-mom) for these past 15 years and I have always pushed her to make peace with my gran as I thought the fall out they had was quite trivial, but I realise now it had absolutely nothing to do with that, but this deeper issue.
I have had so many questions and its really been an emotional rollercoaster, but I am not upset with my mom although I wish she had told me years ago. In my lifetime I have seen adoption from almost every side of the coin, my best friend is adopted and IҒve supported her all these years, even when she found her birth mother, I also know the heartache that infertility causes as I face it daily and have myself at times thought of adoption, but the most heartbreaking has been to find out about my brother and my moms struggle, and no matter which way you look at it, itҒs really an emotional rollercoaster and its quite frankly scared me.
I have been thinking so much about my adopted brother and as odd as it sounds even though I donҒt know him I already do care for him. My mom really wants to make contact with him and our whole family is ready to accept him into our lives. We dont want to take away from the life that he had, or replace his family, just add a little more love. But to be honest I am terribly scared of him rejecting us and the affect this would have on my mom and our family, but willing to take the risk and will accept his wishes whichever way it turns out. I know for now it is best to focus on him and my mom reconnecting, and perhaps in time we too can form a relationship.
I have taken on the task of trying to find my brother on behalf of my mother, because I feel that she has been through enough already and I really want to do this for her as I have more resources at my disposal such as the internet etc. but I just didnҒt realise how tough it is, both from the actual search, and also emotionally. My only wish is that wherever my brother is that he is at peace, happy and loved.
I am not sure if I should even be searching for him, because I dont want to upset him or cause him any heartache. I know from my best friendҒs sister who was also adopted, that she has never expressed any interest in finding her birth family, so I dont even know if he wants to be found, am really worried about his reaction and wonder whether it shouldnҒt be his decision to find us? Arrg, it's all very confusing.
To be honest I dont even know why I am posting this, perhaps just to make sense of it all or ask for any words of advice or support from someone who has been through this. I am trying to be strong and supportive for my mom and my family, especially my little baby sister (17) who this has also been a shock to, and I just think that if I am feeling this way, I can only imagine what my mom and the rest of my family are going through, but at the moment I am trying to keep it together, but am definitely considering counseling. Perhaps if anyone can suggest any books or any advice on searching for adopteeҒs and reunions, or any adoption books so that I can perhaps try and understand and make sense of it all, especially what it must have been like for my brother growing up.
Thanks,
xxx
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If you post the state I can give you some starting places to begin your search but need the state as they are all different. You will also need at least the month of birth as well. It's not wrong to search - no one can force a relationship and they can say no if that is their choice. Many adoptees search and want to be found. Some never search because they are afraid of causing problems if they were a secret... Kind regards,Dickons
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Thanks so much Dickons, your reply has really alleviated some anxiety I have as to whether I must search, but I really do want to find him and will leave it entirely up to him whether he wants a relationship with us, or even if we can answer any questions he might have. I do realise that I cannot force a relationship, and me and my mom have spoken in depth about this and we will respect his wishes whatever the outcome.
Unfortunately I live in South Africa, but none of our local websites seem to have a forum. I have the date of his birth, the hospital/town and the name that he was registered under. I have posted on local Adoption Reconnect sites and have tried countless times to get through to the Department of Social Services to try and update my mom's contact details and went to see the Agency (Christian Social Services) which dealt with my mom's adoption, I actually do a lot of charity work with and am quite close with the ladies, but despite this the process is still very slow moving, especially with our Department of Social Services as I just cannot seem to get through to them either via email or telephone. I was thinking of perhaps getting a private investigator or someone more knowledgeable in this area to help me, as I don't know what more I can do from my side.
Thanks again for your reply.
Hello!
Im new on here, and it is such a wonderful website! I stumbled onto your thread and its amazing to me, how many different 'parties' are effected in 1 adoption. Im a 30 year old women who was adopted as a baby, Im the youngest sibling with two older brothers who were not adopted. Needless to say, there was years of baggage/issues there and is still a work in progress... always.
When I turned 21, with the assistance of my parents, I found my birth mother/family. It was a private adoption so the process of finding them took 1 week...VERY QUICK. I was at a stand still in my life, I was paralyzed to move forward with the responsibilities of life, yet was paralyzed at the thought of facing my fears and the unknown of meeting my birth family. But, I had nothing to loose emotionally I was rock bottom.
Well, never in a million years had I anticipated being where I am today.... Maintaining a relationship with my 3 half-siblings, my birth mother for the last 9 years and of course my 'real' family as well. Also, learning and stretching my brain around the idea of how I wasn't the only one effected in this whole thing. My birth mother and mother each had major emotional life challenges around this. At first I didn't believe that I was worthy of all that love. But finally now, I realize that I am.
As for the half siblings, the youngest half sibling is a female (21) the other 2 are males (24, 26). I never thought I could have or understand such a connection with people who are BLOOD related to me especially the female. There are certain connections with them that Ive never felt with my adoptive family. (and thats ok, because one is not better than the other, just different). This biological connection had been a foreign idea to me my whole life. Sometimes I feel guilty for connecting with my birth family THAT well, but then I have to remember that the capacity for love is UNLIMITED and it doesn't change the love for my real family.
Sorry for the lengthy entry, but, what im saying to you is that this could be the best decision you've ever made, to contact your birth brother. A few things to think about, taking caution and awareness of the wide range of possible reactions from your bro's side and preparing for any one of them. You have your position/perspective, but, each person in this scenario is going to have a different perspective. For instance: Two people who visit the grand canyon could see 2 different things depending on where they are standing. Your birth brother may be stable, happy and at peace. OR, He may have had a rough time and may not be ready for this. With either outcome, at least you know you've tried and did your part.
One more suggestion: Maybe approach this in the most passive/gradual way to begin with, like a letter??? As far as HOW to find him, your mom may have some information or contacts to start.
Thanks for reading. Best of luck!!
Frogystal
I think you should search for him, but have a neutral party contact him (this is what happened to me and it was best to not scare me off). Facebook or Myspace is great now because you can post a forum on an adoption site and look up the people who respond that you think may be your relative. This is how I was found. I posted on an adoption registry and then my birthmother found me and had a friend contact me on myspace. I can't say that things are wonderful with the reunion, but I had alot of questions answered as I am sure your brother will as well.