attachment

In re-reading my OP, I guess I should clarify my question a bit. In reading this part of the forum, the behaviors of the RAD child are quite obvious and extreme. (By the way, I have a huge amount of respect for the parents on this board who are raising their RAD kids with the patience and commitment that is so evident. I applaud you!) Our 7 y/o son is not RAD and displays none of the extreme behaviors outlined here (tantrums, toileting issues, sexual acting out, etc.), but he seems to have some tendencies that make us wonder just how attached he is. For example, our middle son was hospitalized for 16 days recently and the 7 y/o went to my mom's to stay during that time (with occasional visits from us). At first we were concerned that he would think he was being dumped at a new home (again) but it didn't seem to bother him in the least. He just jumped in with both feet and assumed a routine there. He even cried when it was time to come home. Didn't appear to miss us at all. Also, one night when he was sitting on my lap for bedtime reading, he slowly but methodically started to grind his pointy little elbow into my forearm until I reacted in anger. Then he apologized and within minutes did exactly the same thing again. I scolded him and forced myself to finish the book and sent him to bed. Was this what he wanted? To be yelled at and sent away? Also, almost every toy that he comes into contact with gets destroyed. He places no real value on anything. He has an unquenchable desire for attention. If someone is asleep, he wakes them up, if they're working, he has to disturb them, if they're in the bathroom, he's knocking on the door, he can't play independently for more than 5 minutes without bothering someone and asking them to play with him. So this is where my question comes in: I know there are varying degrees of attachment disorder and I believe we're seeing some of these behaviors in him, but it does not appear to be severe. Do we respond with ordinary correction like in the average child and hope he catches on, or do we do the full blown attachment parenting? When a child is finally attached, what does it look like? How do we know that he sees us as loving parents who are part of his forever family and not just people to use and manipulate for his own personal gain, especially in his teenage years? I've heard others refer to their child as "anxiously attached". What does that look like? We seem to be in a gray area with our son. We're just not sure where he is attachment-wise. He's come very far since the early days (a little over a year ago) and has never been assessed by an attachment therapist but he has seen a counselor for a while and she didn't find any abnormalities with him. Any input would be appreciated.

It does sound like your little guy is hurting. How long has he been with you? I'm not sure there's a checklist of attachment. I think it appears differently in different kids. It wouldn't hurt to get a professional opinion. DD had a therapist 8 monnths after moving in. I was so worried that my actions/parenting decisions were having a negative impact (first child for us). The therapist was able to reassure us and could see attachment. We're now 1.5 years into her moving in and the attachment is obvious. She needs DH to carry her, she needs me to put her to bed. She is disappointed if one of us can't make her gymnastics class. When she's hurt, she runs to me - even when grammie (her prior guardian) is there. She wants me to wake her up before I leave for work so she can get a hug & a kiss. It seems like attachment is like pornography (Meese quote?): you know it when you see it. From what you describe, I'm not reading attachment disorder so much as a kid with some unresolved PTSD and/or anger issues good luck

Thanks, wcurry, for your comments. I tend to agree with you that it doesn't seem to be so much an attachment problem as maybe some unresolved issues. His history is somewhat vague so we're not even sure which direction to take to attempt to identify the source of his odd behaviors. There was some question of physical abuse in the foster home and he was placed in an emergency shelter before we got to meet the foster family so I feel like I really missed out on that part of his history. Other people who see us, like at church, are so thrilled with how easily he seems to have attached, but in our minds his affection in public and sometimes at home is kind of "over the top" to the point of feeling fake. You know, like it was an unnaturally quick attachment. I'm so happy for you that you've enjoyed such progress with your daughter. I hope to be able to share that at some point in the near future! By the way, he's been with us for 1 yr and 4 mos.

I hope the link works. Below is an attachment checklist. I used this to help diagnose our 7 year old RAD fd. What an rollercoaster it has been. Does your child lie, steal, seem manipulative?[url]http://reactiveattachmentdisordertreatment.com/childattachchecklist.pdf[/url]hope this works

Some of those symptoms (destroying things, very clingy, constant need for attention) definitely fall in the attachment disorder category. Does he have any other symptoms - lie, steal, hoard food, manipulate, excessive need for control??? My fd started out a very sweet little girl and it has gotten progressively worse. Especially at school!!! What is your childs history (trauma, neglect??)

We've seen some lying and definitely manipulation-we use firm boundaries for that. No so much stealing as just getting into his brother's stuff. Selective hearing is another thing that makes me crazy--I'm calling his name at the park or wherever, loud enough to wake the dead, and everyone hears me except him. His history is severe neglect in the first 3 years and then suspected (but unproven) physical abuse in the foster home. Thanks for that checklist link. I'll check that out!

My fd had the severe neglect first 3 years of her life too. Did you say he is getting evaluated? My fd just had a complete psychological eval. and she has mild RAD. yikes!! this could be a long road.

Our adoptive daughter exhibits all of the same symptoms your son does and we are too are trying to figure out if it's RAD or something else or a mild version of it. She is 3 years and 2 months and will begin therapy soon and I am praying for a diagnosis. I am a little skeptical but I am hoping. Maybe you can get him evaluated. I started at a local headstart and explained a lot of what we were experiencing and they watched her for a little while and referred me to a psychologis/social worker who specializes in behavorial therapy and trauma for kids. They also suggested she do a 12 week trauma class that is pretty intensive therapy when she turns 4 so we also plan to put her in that when the time comes. Good luck! ~Rachel Adoptive mom to A (age 3) Foster mom to J (age 3)

Good luck to you as well. We've been reading "When Love is not Enough" by Nancy Thomas and "The Connected Child" by Karyn Purvis and have been utilizing the methods they teach. (Our child is not in therapy at this time. We've hit some dead ends with insurance, etc. Long story.) The first thing we learned is that all of these behaviors originate from fear and when you can get the child to a place where they feel safe, then you can make progress with trust issues. We were doing one thing right and one thing wrong. The thing we were doing right was that we set up strong boundaries and had structure in our home that he really needed. The thing we were doing wrong was we were using discipline methods that were undoing any progress we made in making him feel safe (time outs, scolding, occasional spankings, angry looks, etc.). We are learning that methods of discipline used for a typical "normal" kid with secure attachments from birth are counter-productive to our AD kids. So it was like we would gain his trust and then push him away when he acted out by sending him to his room or whatever. He can be pretty obnoxious so he got sent away from us quite a bit, but we didn't realize that we were actually doing more harm and he wasn't learning anything from it except that (he thought) we didn't want him any more than the "other moms" did. We're learning...and learning...and learning. And we are seeing progress!