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Has anyone any advice on how to deal with the hurt and upset feelings that arise when a family member that you look up and have always looked up to significantly lets you down?
I was adopted into a family that already had a biological son and I've always looked up to him and loved him and thought I was the luckiest person in the world because I got to grow up with a cool big brother who I thought would always be there for me and protect me. We have always had a good relationship and many extended family and friends have often commented through the years to our parents that it was great we got on so well and looked out for each other.
Unfortunately due to a significant upset that was caused by my brother and his family which threatened to tear my family (parents, brother and I) apart, I no longer feel the same way about him. Even though things on the surface are patched up, some of the things he said to me and about me to others including inferences about how I'm 'different' and shouldn't expect to always be included in his life have left me feeling like I was an idiot to ever believe he thought of me as a proper sister in the first place.
Apologies have since been made and even though our parents fully recognize that the way my brother and his family has acted is completely out of order, they have made it very clear that I have to get over it and move on because they no longer want to deal with the situation. They have instead taking to giving me gifts on the promise that I will 'play my part' around my brother and his family at family events. In other words, hold my tongue and act like we are all still one big happy family.
I'm trying to move past the situation and just accept that our relationship and how I viewed our relationship won't ever be the same because I don't want this one fight to define our relationship for the rest of our lives but I can't seem to get there in my head. The closer I get to having to actually spend time with my brother and his family the more and more resentful and hurt I feel and the stress from it all is really affecting me.
Historically when other relationships in my life have broken down, I've been able to get over it by expressing my feelings and then rebuilding my life without that relationship in it. (By no means in an over dramatic we're through type of way - just a recognition that for whatever reason that person will no longer factor into my life the way they previously did). While I have expressed my feelings to my brother, and have realized that I definitely over idiolized and essentially had up unto this point placed him on a pedestal, I can't help but feel a huge sense of loss about it all.
Its also making me question a lot about my life in general. If I can't even rely on my brother who was one of three people I thought would never let me down and upset me this much, then how can I expect that others won't do the same?
Any advice or insights about all this would be greatly appreciated as we have a huge family event coming up soon which I have to attend and I'm worried if these feelings build between now and then I'll either have so many walls up that things will never be fixed or I'll explode at them all, neither of which I want to happen.
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I agree with the PP. This is an unfortunate part of life. Three are no guarantees with anybody that they will ultimately be there for us in the ways we may expect them to. Of course, some may be, and those people are a true blessing. But I think everyone goes through this at some point in their lives where they feel totally disillusioned with another person, something happens in the relationship, and it is not the same anymore. It hurts when it happens.
You said what was on your mind and you do have the option of looking past the situation. I have a tendency to cut people off, but I'm not sure that "all or nothing" approach is the best (if abuse is involved, then yes, that should not be tolerated). I am trying to work on being more tolerant of others. Lord knows, I'm not perfect myself, but I do know when hurtful comments are made, it's not easy to look past that.
Have you thought about exploring this in therapy? Maybe there is a way you can resolve this where, although you won't get back the idealized feelings you had about your brother (you wouldn't want to go back to that anyway), you will still be able to engage with him without feeling upset or resentful.
Did your brother apologize at all or let you know he felt bad about the things he said?
Yes, my dad did, and I over-idealized him, too, much to the unfair detriment of my mom. When deeply frightened and angry, people often reach for the sharpest arrow in the quiver. I've done it. Members of my family have done it. It sounds as if, whatever your brother did, he felt cornered, angry, frightened of the consequences, profoundly defensive. It sounds as if he reached for the sharpest arrow. I know you know he regrets it, it's that the arrow was even there to be grabbed that has shaken your faith in him. But maybe that was faith in someone who couldn't be real. Real people know where the sharpest arrows are. Even the nicest, best, most loyal person in the world isn't blind to it. Pushed hard enough, it will come out, even if it would never be their mindful intention. Dad traveled A LOT on business throughout my childhood. When he was home, every day was a play day. He was always cheery, always positive, always engaged. For the few hours a weekend that he was home. I grew up thinking my dad was the greatest guy in the world and wondering why my mom was such a shrew and a harpie (in my view). He was our go-to parent because there would always be a sympathetic hug and "don't you worry, it'll be OK." Mom, well, she'd shrug and say something like, "well, there's a lesson learned. Did you clean your room?" It seems funny and silly now, but that dynamic was unfair all around. It wasn't until years later that I began to see that Dad was not the greatest guy in all the world and that Mom wasn't an uncaring shrew. That, in fact, his absenteeism caused a lot of difficulties for our family. And that, when I really got to know him better, he had some darn unattractive traits. I really came to dislike him. The cure? More time spent with just him. Time listening to him, hearing his story, learning to accept him as a human being with failings. Time grieving and working through the loss of the fake SuperDad and coming around to cherishing the real Dad, flaws and all. Time to heal over the hurt and time to come to value the scar. Your parents are asking you to fake it till you make it. To spend some of that goodwill banked by your brother when you were growing up, give him some grace, the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it just lets resentment and suspicion fester. I'd encourage you to spend one-on-one time with your brother, get to know him as full-fledged person, not your superhero. There is a time and place when we need and benefit from superDads and superheroes. Then there is a time and place to learn to love and cherish the real person, even when they make mistakes that hurt us. To appreciate them even more deeply for the fact that, while they might fail us from time to time, they come back. Your brother may or may not have some thoughts or feelings regarding your place in the family and his life that shave into seeing differences. Such feelings exist among biosiblings, adoption just gives us a more obvious and painful hook to put them on. I hope you give yourself time and then give yourself time with your brother. I found that the idolized version of my Dad was not a totally empty shell, not by far. It just wasn't the perfect, seamless thing I thought it was. And that turned out to be more than OK.
My brother apologized for the original upset but not for the comments he made about me and since I don't want to stir things all over again I haven't confronted him about it.In all honesty I think the reason he has 'reached for the sharpest arrow' as Hadley put it, is because he knows what he did was wrong but is trying to somehow justify his actions by making out that it wouldn't have been as big an issue for anyone else, its only because I'm 'different' as he puts it that I was upset so much by his lack of respect for me.Either way I know its just going to take time for the relationship to be rebuilt. The hurt is just still fresh at the moment and thinking over things late and night when you can't sleep is never a good idea.Thanks everyone for your comments and support - I really appreciate the feedback from you all.A
CAAdoptee
Has anyone any advice on how to deal with the hurt and upset feelings that arise when a family member that you look up and have always looked up to significantly lets you down?
. . . Historically when other relationships in my life have broken down, I've been able to get over it by expressing my feelings and then rebuilding my life without that relationship in it. (By no means in an over dramatic we're through type of way - just a recognition that for whatever reason that person will no longer factor into my life the way they previously did).
CAAdoptee
Its also making me question a lot about my life in general. If I can't even rely on my brother who was one of three people I thought would never let me down and upset me this much, then how can I expect that others won't do the same?
CAAdoptee
Any advice or insights about all this would be greatly appreciated as we have a huge family event coming up soon which I have to attend and I'm worried if these feelings build between now and then I'll either have so many walls up that things will never be fixed or I'll explode at them all, neither of which I want to happen.
A
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