Am I selfish?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to be in your daughters life. Nothing. I think it is a travesty that she hasn't been told, but at this point, there is nothing that can be done to change that except go forward. (easier said than done, right?) Maybe, just maybe there is a reason why they cut off contact at this point. We never know what is going on in peoples lives, and then toss in the extra stressor and guilt that they have to deal with the adoption, and they shut down. I don't say this to take up for them, truly, but sometimes it's easier to place ourselves in other people's shoes. Maybe they're dealing with the terminal illness of a family member, or your daughter is being a normal rebellious teen, or one has lost their job. They're coping with that, then there's the stress of a looming reunion. Avoidance may be their coping mechanism. This may not be a permanent thing. There is always the chance they did tell her, and she has asked them to go silent while she deals with this. (doubtful) I do think that you can't put your other daughter's problems on them. That isn't fair. The situation did suck, and was wrong, but that isn't their issue to deal with. We are all responsible for our own actions and reactions. I would also suggest that giving the afamily that type of information may upset them even more, as well as your placed child. Keep venting, keep praying, and know there are people here who will be happy to help get your through this one day at a time.

I am not a person who has been adopted. I am a person who has adopted a younger child who is now in an open relationship with her first father. No, you aren't selfish for wanting a relationship or at least a chance for a relationship with your birthdaughter. But that is not the issue. Nobody is saying you can or can't because of it, and it doesn't sound as if the mother has said anything judgmental in that way at all. Just from this one note, it sounds as if the issue is the birth father. What is up with him? Is there a reason continued association with him would be undesirable from their point of view? To know who he is, may be one thing. If your birthdaughters' parents consider him dangerous, that is quite another. If there is a hard history there, they may feel she is just not ready to know it or be associated with it. I get the feeling from what you wrote that is the issue. I am horribly sorry that your daughter had her hopes up and then dashed. Similar things have happened to my children as they grew up and I was very angry with the adults involved. That shows poor judgment. At the same time, clearly there was a misunderstanding about the place of the birthfather in your life and I doubt they intended to hurt her. While I understand your hurt and resentment, your desire to blame, though, I also very much doubt that she started cutting solely because of this situation. It may have been a trigger, it may have represented something bigger in her life experience. I hope you have gotten at least her into therapy and perhaps your entire family since these things are almost always grounded in the family dynamic. I don't know what the parents have or haven't told the young lady (is she a teen now?), or why. Regardless of what they might have said to you in a heated (?) conversation, it is very possible that you don't, really, either. Personally, I think it is difficult to impossible to really know what happens inside others' homes and famlies without actually living with them. There are those on these forums who will rip into judging them based on your take, affirming your resentment and encouraging a judgmental dismissal of them. I don't think that serves you or your birthdaughter in any good way at all. In any case, right or wrong, though, if she is under age 18, contact is their call and it does you no good to steam over imagined evil intentions. I am not meaning that you should stuff feelings or ignore them, but to try, if possible, to work through them and re-frame the situation for your sanity so that you don't have to go there. When she is over 18, you can contact her. For her sake, I hope you would wait until she is through her HS graduation and has college or other plans settled. Having a daughter that age now, I'd have to say the better timing would be the summer after freshman year if she is going to school. I am not normally one to say wait on things that could/should lead to major life enrichment, but it is also a major disruption and, believe me, shifting gears into young adulthood is disruption enough. If her plans to do not include schooling, though, you could think about contacting her sooner. It sounds as if it has been a long, hard haul. I wish you and all involved the best in going forward.

Jdox, You can't do anything until she is an adult and also recognise her maturity level when she reaches 18 may not be at the level to be told by someone other than her parents that she is adopted. It is hard to place myself in her shoes as I have always known and with that knowledge would have been fine to contact - but if I had not known it might of not been pretty. My opinion is that you just wait for a bit and see what happens in the next year or so. No you are not selfish...perhaps just premature... Kind regards,Dickons

afamily doesnt know she started cutting, my main focus was HER and I didnt want to add to the stress by involving them. She has since stopped hurting herself, we are involved in an IFFY program for extensive home intervention. Amom lied to me, at first she said their psychiatrist said to tell her and then she said they talked with 3 of them and they all advised against it.

At some point our relationship with her father was difficult but that has changed, he has finally stepped up to the plate. They have no reason to fear him except that he may not be as tactful as I would be when she asks questions. I will not set out to destroy their relationship with her though I am very hurt still. I have talked with him about this and told him please dont add insult to injury because he doesnt like what they did. 2 yrs ago if a reunion had happened I would have been standoffish with involving him and would have waited.

I'm an adoptee and i don't think your selfish for wanting to know her. the Aparents are probably scared of what she will say when she finds out. I have know i was adopted my whole life. Adoption is supposed to be a happy thing but in reality it's full of anger and pain. Her not knowing untill she's older she might feel like she was lied to by everyone. The decsion should be left up to her. I've known since i was little and i would have it anyother way. I have been searching for my Bmom for about 2 years now, I tell my mom everything because i want her to know my Bmom too. I think i do that becasue she was always honest with me we would talk about my Bmom only the very little that she know but she would answer any question that i had. I put her throught hell growing up but now that i'm a mother myself I have a new found respect for her becasue she rised me as if i was her own. She never gave up on me no matter what I put in her way. Everyone is different, all you can do is just wait, write her letters to let her know how you feel save them and when she does find out she can read them for her self. I still struggle with being adoptedbut have my Amom to talk to about things helps make it easier. The more she knows the better she can understand situation. Knowledge is power, it sounds dumb but so true, best of luck with everything, I hope it works out.

like a concert, ballet or [url=http://www.calgaryescort.com]Calgary Asian Escort[/url] other aestheticevent after which the performers throw their clothes down and leave them in the wardrobes. Seminarsused to be held during the day, but now most of the events, specifically corporate[url=http://www.calgaryescort.com]Calgary Escort[/url] ones and other crowd pulling parties start atnight and continue [url=http://www.calgaryescort.com]Calgary Asian Escorts[/url] till early morning.People can choose any of these look accessories to elevate their looks. I don't distinguish withrespect to you, but with a view me, being a clone [url=http://www.calgaryescort.com]CalgaryEscorts[/url] harry is not a satisfactory way to be primordia