Failed adoption after having baby home. How do you when to try again?

It is understandable that you would want to avoid the baby's mother, especially if you feel that she was playing with your emotions. Maybe keeping contact by sending notes to the baby's father every once in a while just letting him know you are thinking of the baby and hope they are all doing well will help.

That is what we plan on continuing to do, because it lets us know that he is okay. :-)

Every time I hear about this happening to someone, it reminds me of many, many other cases I know of, where someone has come very close, met the baby, or even had the baby home with them for a period of time and then had it all fall through. It is always heart wrenching to think about. We had lots of hopeful situations fall through, before we even had one child but, fortunately, the only one where I ever got to see the baby or have it with me for a while and had to give it back happened when I all ready had five children to go home to. I'd gone to Arizona to pick up the baby. She assured me that she still wanted to go through with the adoption, asked me to go down there immediately, and let me have the baby for 24 hours. Then, she said that she wanted to have two more hours with her before she signed away her rights, but took her and just disappeared. No one from the agency ever heard from her again. I think everyone this happens to needs to take time to grieve and try to keep from thinking about it 24/7. The amount of that time can vary tremendously. However, as hard as it is, you have to get back up and try again, or you are very unlikely to even find your baby. I found my sixth baby. I was correct about my feeling that I had one more baby, a biracial girl, that I needed to find. She was just 2,000 miles away from where I had originally thought she was. One thing you can do that might lessen the chances of another heartbreak is to try to look in states whose laws permit relinquishments soon after birth, but do not allow a period of time that a baby can be taken back after placement. Here in Utah, they can't sign for 24 hours, but then it is binding. In Arizona, it is 72 hours. In Florida, there is no minimum time (unless it has changed since 1995), and it is binding. I firmly believe in personal revelation, intuition, or whatever you want to call it. I think prayer, meditation, etc., is important in helping you to know when it is time to go back to looking for your baby, and where to look. I will tell you one thing I did, that helped get me where I needed to be to find my youngest child. I'm not suggesting that everyone should try it, but it is a possibility that people who aren't real experienced with adoption usually don't know about. After having called several adoption facilitators in California, and running into a few dead ends, I went back to the drawing board again. I felt impressed to write a letter telling about our family, and that we were looking for our youngest child. I didn't want to close any doors, but I said that we had just been through a disruption and preferred to find a situation with no legal risk. I told about the fact that we had a current home study, and gave the name and phone number of the social worker who did it for us, and also gave information about the attorney who would be representing us. I had previously learned, from our fifth adoption, that lots of private agencies networked with each other when they had a situation with a baby that they didn't have any official applicants that they could place with. I had also learned that some agencies would keep information about families that were interested in special needs infants, without charging them a fee. If they got a baby they couldn't place with their official applicants, they would look at those families. Then, if they made a match, the family would pay their fees, at that point. I sent the letters to only four agencies around the country. I mailed them on a Friday. The following Tuesday, I got a call from one of them. They had just received a fax from an agency in Florida that was frantically searching for a Haitian/Filipino baby girl who was going to be induced that week. The following Saturday, I picked up my little girl. After that, the Florida agency would call me if they had another baby they were having a hard time placing, and ask if I knew of anyone who might be interested. I was able to help get several other babies home with families here in my area, which was really exciting. The first one happened shortly after my youngest daughter came home. The agency called me about a little boy they were trying to get placed; a black baby boy who had been born at 28 weeks and was being discharged from the hospital. He was doing well, but it was too early to say for sure if he would have any long-term problems, which made him more difficult to place. The social worker was frantic to find a home for him. They only had a couple weeks to try to place him, after which he would have gone to state foster care. She knew that if he went to foster care, he would most likely stay there. She told me that they just wanted to find him a family and would be willing to greatly reduce their fees in order to do so. I called a couple I knew who had been wanting to adopt. They had just barely had twins placed with them, a few days before, but they knew of another couple who wanted to adopt. I called the other couple and, a few days later they went to Florida and brought back their beautiful son! In the cases I have seen it work for, the children have all been black or biracial, and/or had some kind of health concern. It's probably less likely that it would work if you are looking for a healthy white newborn. I wish there was more I could say to those of you who are grieving. It really is like a death, only you don't get the support from others that you would if it had actually been a death. Just know that there are others who understand and care. You won't ever forget the baby you are grieving for, now, and shouldn't try, but the pain will lessen, and you will find the baby who is really yours. Noelani

We have had to failed placements..Our first one was much of how your feeling. We got matched did overnite visits on the weekends for a month and half she moved with us and 2 weeks later FM wanted her back...It has been the hardest thing by far to go through but even though we knew FD had fallen in love with all of us as we did her..she loved her foster family very much too she had already been with them a yr. this month makes a yr this and there is not a day that goes by that we dont think about her and pray for her she will be our forever daughter:) FM wanted no contact with us:( Our second placement was alot different but we think about them often...:) We weren't sure if we would try again but 6 mths later we are back on the matching list..I got to say I'm sure we will be more guarded..the feelings are very much like grieving a death and it does take time you will know in your heart when your ready. I believe your forever baby is out there waiting for you as is ours:) Praying for you and your family

Noelani, I really appreciate your response. When we do adopt again, we are going to do things quite differently than we did the first time, trying to minimize the risk as much as possible. I did not realize that some states had such short relinquishment periods. My home state has a 10-day period where the mom can change her mind, and the state where our son was born had a 30-day period!Race is not important to us. The boy we lost was bi-racial. And certain special needs are fine too, as we feel prepared to handle some special care needs.Our plan is going to be similar to what you said, in that we have a lawyer that we worked with the first time who sometimes knows of babies (usually difficult to place babies) who have been born within a day or so and need to be placed very quickly or else they will be sent to the foster care system. Here in Georgia, once a baby goes to the system, the minimum time before they can be adopted is 2 years. So, we hope to be able to find our little one before he ever gets to the state system.Lifewithfaith,I know how it feels, and I am sorry that you have a lost a child in this way too. I completely agree that we will be much more guarded the next time around. I know that we both have forever babies waiting for us somewhere, born yet or not, and that we will find them when it is right.

Here in FL the bmother cannot sign before 48hours after delivery. But, it's irrevocable once signed. No revocation period.

I just wanted to respond. We are fortunate enough to have adopted 6 children through foster care and private adoption. With each child that left our home for various reasons, they took a part of us with them. Whether they remember us or not isnt the point, but we remember them. We pray for them, and know that in their time of need, we were there meeting it! They took a part of us with them, and while its sad, its also comforting. Remember that you havent forgotten your little man, you are just preparing yourself to help another one. Just as much as you need and want them, there are other babies who need and want you too. Its hard to take risks when things like our children are at stake, but I would do it a thousand times over for each of my children. If youre thinking about it, then I think you know deep down youre ready. :flowergift:

Kaybie, your first post brought tears to my eyes, but even moreso now that I see that the baby was a biracial boy. I have new biracial grandson. My black 17 YO son and his girlfriend had a baby in March. The other grandmother is real odd and has essentially done her best to keep the baby away from our family. My son can go to their house anytime he wants, but I had rarely seen the baby until the other day, when I finally got to spend about an hour with him. Then, yesterday, we got to have him again for a while and I finally got to bond with him. Not that that situation is like yours, but it just makes it feel like I could have been there watching that baby taken from you and it breaks my heart. Actually, I thought for a while that we might be looking for a family for an open adoption for my grandson. There would definitely have been benefits to having him adopted by two mature adults who had a tremendous desire to be parents, but, they chose to keep him, so I just do everything I can to help and support them. My 3-year-old granddaughter came out of a similar situation except that, thankfully, her parents were 18 and had recently graduated from high school. She is biracial, too, but only a quarter black. She spends a great deal of time with us, when both of her parents are working, and she is the light of our lives! I hope you will have some good news, very soon! KJmom, it is nice to "meet" another adoptive mother of six! I am in awe of your courage, adopting through foster care. It takes a great deal of love to be willing to risk having your heart broken repeatedly. Three of mine were legal risk for several months but there wasn't as much chance that we could lose them as if it had been a foster care placement. I also had one baby taken back after 24 hours, but I am sure that is nothing compared to what you have been through. I can attest to the importance of loving foster mothers, though. My daughter, Julia, was a prime example. She was born with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia, had surgery three times by two months old, and spent her first four months in the hospital. Her birth parents spent very little time with her. She was full-term but barely seven pounds at four months old, and couldn't even hold her head up. She would stiffen when touched, and turn away when spoken to. They fed her through a gastrostomy, which was hooked up to a machine, so no one even had to hold her to feed her. With all of the calories they pumped in, she would have gained lots of weight, had she gotten some love along with the food, but she gained very little. Then, thankfully, they decided to give her up. She was placed with a foster mother who was had mothered 30 babies. She was the first person who loved Julia and took great care of her. She still fed her through the gastrostomy, but also spoon fed her baby food. Most of it didn't have many calories but since she was getting loving attention along with it, she started growing. She still had a long way to go when we got her, at six months, but had improved a great deal. She wanted nothing to do with me, to start with, because she knew that I was the replacement for the foster mother she was grieving for. But, it is so much better for a baby to have an attachment that has to be broken than no attachment at all. It took about three weeks of conscious effort to get where she was really attached to me, and we have always been very close. With all of the trauma she had been through in her little life, I believe that, had she still not formed any attachment by six months, it would have been much more difficult to get her to bond with me. She is 20 now, and we are still very close. She is a beautiful, healthy, talented young lady, and I credit her foster mother in playing a big role in getting her past her difficult early life.Guess I have written enough!Noelani

Noelani2,Thank you so much for sharing your stories, your support and encouragement. It means a great deal, because like you said earlier, most people just really don't know how to respond to our situation, not realizing I think how deep it hurts even though he wasn't ours biologically.I wish you and your new grandson the best. I hope that you are able to spend much more time with him in the future and that the relationship between all of the sides of the family will be smoothed over very soon. I am sure that must be so very hard!

Sorry you are going through this. For what it is worth, please consider getting back on the horse sooner rather than later... We had a failed placement, a baby girl we named Zoe, home with us for the weekend. Our first daughter was about to turn 2, and lots of family met her Zoe in that weekend... We had a dr appt on a monday morning we were about to head out to for the baby when we got the call - the worst call ever. Turns out, her bmom was not entirely honest with the bdad situation, and he wanted the baby back... It was a miserable day -I cried for hours... BUT....we got back on the horse THE NEXT DAY, because you never know what is in store for you.... Our theory was that you could be missing out on the next call, and the next one, and the right baby and situation for you... SO back in the books we went, 24 hours later. We waited a few more months, much more guarded, and were matched again 6 months later, and baby girl#2 came home to us 2 months after that... You can't get the calls if you are not available, you see what I mean? Moving on was hard, and we think of Zoe a lot, and wonder how she is... But we know she is fine, and that she needed us for that short time.... and we are thrilled with our #2 (of course).Get back out there. Grieve. But get back out there!! Mega

We are foster adopt parents in Calfornia to a baby girl who is now 10 weeks old we have had her for about a month and a half. We just found out from the county that there may be an aunt in Texas that will take her. We don't know for sure yet but it is killing the thought of her being taken away. She is our baby girl.

CinB,I am so sorry this is happening. I cannot imagine the difficulty of having a baby that long and perhaps losing her, because she definitely is "your little girl". I will be praying for you all that this works out well for you so that you can keep her.

As an update for those who posted in this thread..... The baby boy is now 12 months old, and we got him back!!!! Almost unbelievably, we got him back. We received a call from the same adoption agency on July 6th that the birth parents were reconsidering adoption, even though it had been almost a year, and wanted to know if my husband and I were still interested. 30 painful days later (30 day waiting period in PA), he was ours. He wasn't placed until a few days later, but just tonight, we finally got back home to Georgia, and it still feels surreal. I know it is rare to get back again a child that you have had to give back, but I can say it does happen. Our heartache and tears of loss have become tears of joy.

Congratulations on your miracle!!!!!

Wow! That is amazing :) Congratulations on the newest family member.