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I know I haven't posted in a while, but I wanted to ask your opinions on this before proceeding. And I wanted to ask early in the game- as I want to have a very organized idea of the ethics surrounding this decision.
A few weeks ago, I opened my adoption file. My adoption was handled by a private lawyer in NYC. I opened this file for a few reasons - curiosity about the information within it (even though I am long reunited) and I was curious if they would actually allow me. Even though I am well over 18, my adoptive parents had to write a letter to the lawyer, giving their permission. Apparently it is *their* file- and I needed permission to view it.
Long story short, I have a full sibling who was placed for adoption 3 years after I was. He's my full brother. I know that he was adopted using the same lawyer (it was a total coincidence). The nice woman who facilitates reunions at the lawyers office gave me some not-so-subtle hints- telling me that I DID have another sibling whose file was attached to mine, and that if he and his parents are open to contact, then they would be happy to facilitate a relationship. She told me that they are "in the business of keeping siblings in contact". I will be speaking with this woman in more detail on monday.
Here's the snag. My birthfather has zero rights to this file. I, for some reason, am allowed to view not only my own file, but have contact with my brother if he so desires. I have a good relationship with my birthfather, and we've had this relationship for many years. Am I obligated to share this information with him? I would love to, of course. But I am worried about jumping the gun, disrespecting my brothers privacy, and breaking the rules of the lawfirm.
I know that I will tell him. But the question is when and how?
Of course, there is no gaurantee that my brother OR his parents will want anything to do with me. Something in my gut tells me they wont. But I feel a tad guilty knowing that I am potentially privy to the information my birthfather has waited over 20 years to know. He is a good man, and I know he aches to know about his only son.
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I would suggest that you not say anything until you have actual information, rather than the potential for information. Even better, wait until your brother decides whether to have contact with you. If he does want to, you can ask him if he is interested in meeting your (and his) bfather. Then you can bring a joyous fait accompli to your bfather. If your brother does not want contact, you can probably feel free to tell your bfather the situation and that you can't put them in touch with each other, but you know he (your brother) is alive.
I guess what I'm saying is to at least give your brother a chance to have a say in what you tell your bfather, since it concerns their relationship with each other more than it does your relationship with either of them.
I guess you actually spoke to the person at the lawyer's office yesterday, so I hope that went well. Good luck!
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I dont know how old your original message is, but I would agree with the reply given above.
You not telling you birth father about the file is not deceit. It is wise.
I would back off, and try to manage my emotions to it all.
See what your brother is like, and depending on how close your relationship is with your lawyer, maybe even consult him / her regarding the situation.
Good luck!